FORT WORTH, TX - Doug Parker, the CEO of American Airlines, unveiled a new fleet of airplanes that have no engines and no floor.
"A company's number one priority is customer satisfaction. We have been keeping up with recent trends, and we have discovered that our customers no longer desire for anything to make sense. To cater to their needs, we have shelved our old fleet to meet customer demands," Parker explained.
"The 7650 will be the first test," Parker explained. "It is scheduled to fly from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. Estimated time in the air is 93 hours."
Parker continued, "This may not sound logical. However, we have concluded that we can be legally murdered if we attempt to disagree with a member of the Republican party. Our lawyers investigated this issue and came to the conclusion that policemen will shoot us if we press the issue, because disagreeing with a police officer is now a justifiable excuse for excessive force."
Parker sighed, then explained, "Sadly, due to changes, we have had to raise our prices. One seat on the 7650 will cost $2015. This might sound questionable, due to the low level of technology to our new fleet. But due to current events, we need to provide our customers with bulletproof vests and bodyguards, because we employ liberals."
Parker concluded, "This sounds utterly bizarre, but since the customer-"
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell hit Parker over the head with a baseball bat. "If you do not throw your liberal employees in a wood chipper, I will eat your face! And don't even dream of voting for a Democrat if you want to see your family again!"