HOLLYWOOD, CA - Comedians across America have declared a strike. They demand that the news stations resume their duties instead of abdicating their responsibilities to them.
Jon Oliver angrily explained, "My job is to make people laugh. If I decide to do something that my audience does not enjoy, they demand a refund. And yet, stations have decided to let idiots lie through their teeth and foam at the mouth instead of researching a story, and they get paid profusely. My show should have a laugh track, not a news ticker! I should say, '$20, same as in town!' instead of 'And now, here's Maureen with the weather!' I should not have to say, 'Knock knock! Who's there? Mass. Mass who? Mass shooting in Nevada, news at 11.' This is not my job, and I am not going to do it any more!"
Weird Al Yankovich let out a sigh. "I've tried to do the best I can for the fans," he sighed. "One morning, I stepped out of the shower, and Sean Hannity is asking me how me having a blue towel will help Republicans maintain the house! Chuck Todd interrupts my concert because he wants me to make a comment on the David Brooks article that he read on television. Chris Matthews popped out of my cereal and asked me to talk about voter suppression for an hour. Hey, fans! May I please stop being a news source?"
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS PRESSURE!" Lewis Black shouted. "I made a joke about comedians singing love songs, confusing the audience. My audience laughed, but CNN saw a business model. As tragic as it is that hurricanes are attacking, it's even more tragic that CNN, a news channel, IS NOT REPORTING NEWS!"
CNN responded with a press conference that was a red spiral made of crayon.
Tucker Carlson of Fox News responded, "Democrats are responsible for bees having pointy butts! The Democrats will sit on us and sting us if they win the election! Purple yak rikshaw finger mist waitlist fooby! Kanye onions. FOOBURSH!"