Washington Post to be sold to Alfred E. Neuman
Mad Magazine mascot Alfred E. Neuman has agreed to buy The Washington Post for $237, Katharine Weymouth, the newspaper's publisher announced today. The WaPo sale comes as a shock to the newspaper industry and few real people knew it was even for s...
Read full storyGay-friendly women
Who's sexier? Sophia Loren or Heidi Klum? Jane Mansfield or Gisele Bundchen? Marilyn Monroe or Adriana Lima? The idea of what makes a woman sexy has changed since the 1950's. Whereas having large, round breasts, wide hips, and an ample derriere was once considered the epitome of feminine beauty, by contemporary standards these attributes would cause a woman to be labeled "fat" and "unattractiv...
Read full storyRolf Harris digeridoo's in a right old state
London - The 83 year-old Oz entertainer's cult status is on the rocks as Brit vice cops probe what he's been up to and stuff in the ongoing Operation YewDirtyOldManTree investigation. Harris, 69, was rearrested this morning answering bail after de...
Read full storyBloopers
Although not as expensive to produce and not usually considered as "good" as motion pictures, television (TV) shows are still, by everyone's standards except, perhaps, those of Bill Gates, costly and, therefore, even their goofs, flubs, fuckups, boners, and bloopers, as mistakes by cast and crew are called (except when they're called outtakes or, in England, "a comedy of errors"), are often preser...
Read full storyErotic art
Erotic art is an excuse, in the form of sketches, paintings, sculptures, and other media, to show naked people, many of whom are depicted as engaging in "erotic" (a codeword for sexual) activities. Although some people try to distinguish between erotic art and pornography, no argument for such a distinction has ever been generally accepted, and most people agree that one person's erotic art is ano...
Read full storyRupert Giles
Rupert Giles studied at Oxford University, but dropped out before earning a history degree to become a voyeur, or "watcher," as his father and grandmother Edna had been before him. Rather than taking his wayward son to task for wasting what could have been a superb education at one of the world's leading universities, Giles' father approved of his decision, affirming it as a fulfillment of his "de...
Read full storySenator's office calls for "bully services aid" and therapy
Reported by an assistant (requesting anonymity) for Senator Charles Schumer, his office is currently seeking "bully services aid" and therapy following Russia's actions with Mr. Snowden. Speaking on Face the Nation yesterday, Mr. Schumer proclaime...
Read full storyBionic Woman
The Bionic Woman was created out of spare, mostly human, somewhat female body parts as a companion for Colonel Steve Austin, a lonely former astronaut-become-cyborg, after she dove headfirst into a cow patty from a height of 12,000 feet in an attempt to decorate a clover patch with her remains. Before her tragic accident, she had been a tennis player known for her wicked backhand. Rebuilt by Dr...
Read full storyDixie
"I wish I was in Dixie." - Epitaph on Nicole Brown Simpson's headstone Dixie or Dixieland (not to be mistaken for Disneyland) is an imaginary country celebrated in a number of popular songs and, as such, takes its place not so much among the nations of the earth as it does among other nations of the mind, in a mental atlas alongside Narnia, Middle Earth, Oz, La La Land, Never Never Land, and...
Read full storyComic Books: Literacy for the Illiterate
A comic book is a magazine, rarely a book, printed on cheap newsprint or toilet tissue, which is rarely funny, or "comic," so it should be renamed, but those in the industry are lazy, preferring to draw poorly executed pictures that illustrate barely literate narratives (stories) in bold and fancy fonts. Due to the imbecilic level of their "reader's" intelligence and literacy, these magazines a...
Read full storyGuantanamo Guards Taunt Prisoners with Music from Annie
CUBA - Prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp are entering day 4 of a hunger strike protesting what they refer to as musical torture in violation of Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions. The prisoners have announced that they will not eat...
Read full storyMotown Returns To Detroit - Whole City Returns To Life!
The return of the famous soul music legend Motown Records to its birthplace Detroit has had an ebullient effect on the bankrupt city. From the very first announcement of its coming back, people were running out their doors to tell their neighbors abo...
Read full storyDemocrats to introduce bill banning all vehicles in America!
Washington DC - After a man used his car to kill and maim several innocent people in Venice Beach, CA the other morning, a leading Democrat in Congress is set to introduce a bill banning all vehicles in America. The Congressperson stated, "Ameri...
Read full storyHolby City In Organ Donor Row
Telly chiefs have become embroiled in a bitter row over the portrayal of organ donation in a recent episode of flagship drama Holby City. Three complaints were made in a scathing attack on the "recklessness" over the way the difficult subject was...
Read full storyDallas Cowboys Beat The Miami Dolphins 24-20 Without Tony Romo
CANTON, Ohio - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that it's good to see his team win with Tony Romo on the sidelines for the entire game. The Cowboys beat the Miami Dolphins 24-20 before a crowd of 22,001 at Fawcett Stadium. Jones told Cowbo...
Read full storyNina Dobrev Talks About Season 5 On The Vampire Diaries
HOLLYWOOD - Nina Dobrev wanted to make it clear that the rumor that season five of The Vampire Diaries will see the town of Mystic Falls, Virginia completely wiped out by a category 7 tornado is positively false. She said that she believes that th...
Read full storyParis Hilton Wants Paris Jackson To Change Her Name
HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton has lashed out at Michael Jackson's daughter 15-year-old Paris Jackson and told her to change her name. Hilton is apparently upset that the entertainment media could conceivably confuse the two and Hilton says that she wil...
Read full storyDetroit Lions Cheerleaders To Sell Their Bras and Panties on eBay And Donate The Money To The City of Detroit
DETROIT - The Detroit Lions cheerleaders held an emergency meeting at The Carburetor Coliseum and decided to collectively do something to help the city of Detroit which has filed for bankruptcy. Lions head cheerleader Brooke Springbutter, 24, info...
Read full storyThe Ellen DeGeneres - Kris Jenner Feud Heats Up
HOLLYWOOD - The latest feud to take place in Tinsel Town is between talk show host Ellen DeGeneres and reality show star Kris Jenner AKA Mama Kardashian. It appears that 57-year-old Kris stated that she does not like Ellen's talk show because it i...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus To Give Her 6-Foot-Tall Bong To Willie Nelson
HOLLYWOOD - Vowing to try and follow the path of the straight and narrow, Miley Cyrus has has said that she will be parting with one of her most prized possessions; no not her pet flamingo Peggy, her 6-foot-tall bong. Miley purchased the astoundin...
Read full storyRajon Rondo Could Be Leaving The Boston Celtics To Become A Detroit Piston
DETROIT - The talk started off as a 'maybe' but it has since intensified to a 'probably' as the Detroit Pistons have expressed an interest in acquiring Boston Celtics guard Rajon Rondo. The Pistons are of course well aware that Rondo is still recu...
Read full storyIdaho Passes The Nation's First Road Kill Bill
BOISE, Idaho - Idaho has become the first state in the union to pass a new road kill bill. According to state Senator Brogan F. Candlefish [D-Pocatello], the bill registered as Idaho Road Kill Bill 001 states that anyone who runs over any type of...
Read full storyA Despondent Ricky Gervais May Return To England
LOS ANGELES - Ricky Gervais says that if he had it to do all over again he would not have insulted so many Hollywood celebrities when he hosted The Golden Globe Awards Show. The Mad Englishman, as fellow Brit Piers Morgan calls him, stated that he...
Read full storyAbsolutely No One: "The 2013 NFL Season Will Be The Best Ever."
Shitty local-TV coverage of NFL teams' pre-season workouts, and the Dolphins-Cowboys Hall Of Fame Game from Ohio, or Kentucky or something, proves that this will be the best season ever, said absolutely no NFL fan anywhere. "It's OK that the runn...
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