Catsup Heir Heinz Ward Arrested for Steeling
Hines Ward, daughter of Catsup inventor Governor Henry John Heinz III and Maria Teresa Thierstein Simões-Ferreira Heinz, Esq. was briefly arrested and held at gunpoint last week in a mix-up over a car reported stolen. See, the joke is... ... Hine...
Read full storyGreen Nut Jobs Picket Mt. Merapi Volcano
Approximately 8000 Green picketers have surrounded the summit of Mt. Merapi, cursing and spitting into the fiery dome of this volcano which is located in central Java and which has been erupting for 10,000 years. Merapi is one of the most active volc...
Read full storySteven Tyler's Penis to Replace J.Lo on American Idol
The hat is off the jimmy: Aerosmith's singer Steven Tyler's penis will become the second judge on American Idol next season, once Latina meatbag Jennifer Lopez is unceremoniously fired at the end of this season. "My soldier is makin' a move," said...
Read full storyLife Sentences: More About Barbers
Odd business, barbers, and what they do. What is that they do, eh? Barbery? Barbering? Barbing? See now? I told you it was an odd business. The barbers themselves, as well, eh? Queer kettle of fish altogether. Take this barber I once had. He shall remain nameless, mainly because I can't remember his name. Whatever his name was, he was a queer fish, even without taking the kettle into ac...
Read full storyLife Sentences: Barbers
Had my hair cut today. I went to one of these salons they have nowadays. Twenty pounds for what we used to call a short back and sides. It wasn't, though. Short back and sides, I mean. The young chap didn't know what that was. It was all I could do to get him to understand the concept of a "trim". I think he thought I was talking about pubic hair. And when I say "chap", well, I won't over...
Read full storyAncelotti's eyebrow on the move again
After Chelsea's defeat by Manchester United, Carlo Ancelotti's left eyebrow is looking for another move upwards. Already one of the best movers in the Premier League, Ancelotti's left eyebrow is looking even more unsettled, especially in post-mat...
Read full storyPeter North Stars Hockey Team Blows Huge, Gelatinous, Ropelike Petition for Entry onto NHL's Stomach
The NHL has a potential scandal on their hands, now that the Peter North Stars, a Florida-based hockey team owned by XXX penis-for-hire Peter North, had made their burning, lustful desire to become an NHL franchise official. Dear Gay Professional Ath...
Read full storyBill and Hillary Clinton Have Crushes On Pippa Middleton
Washington, D.C - The emotional after-effects of the Prince William-Kate Middleton royal wedding are still being felt, especially in the Bill and Hill household. Kate's erotically hot sister, Pippa, has burned a permanent image in the minds o...
Read full storySecret Service Arrests Parrot For Squawking "F..K Barack!...F..K Barack!"
Washington DC - A spokesperson for the Secret Service confirmed reports that agents recently busted down the door of an office across the street from the White House which housed a parrot allegedly trained by its conservative owner to incessantly squ...
Read full storyMusic of Steel Panther Believed to Have Link to Cure for Cancer and ED
Researchers at the Pettrucci Center for Musical Research have released preliminary results of a study between the music of Heavy Metal Icons Steel Panther, and the spread and onset of remission of many forms of cancer. "We had reason to believe t...
Read full storyFat Cat Banker Evan Meets Fate
A banker whose manner was blunt Squandered investor's funds on a punt. The whole lot was lost At incredible cost To the nations that all bore the brunt. Just one man, whose shoulders were broad, Was sacked, for reporting the fraud. The judge in his case Said "I don't like your face" So he lost 'cause the system is flawed. That outcome ignited his zeal; Off he went to the Court of A...
Read full storyChannel 4's Countdown In A Tizz Over Rising Hemlines
TV watchdogs are today putting their foot down with a heavy hand and bringing to book Channel 4's daily word quiz, Countdown. It seems that the bird who puts the letters and numbers on the board, Rachel Riley, is causing coronaries throughout the lan...
Read full storyWill Lansley Survive?
Doctors and Nurses are worried that Andrew Lansley may survive. The architect of the dismantaling of the NHS has won strong Tory backing for the move towards rewarding private companies with the profits of dealing with low cost health care. He tol...
Read full storyNew Anti-Smoking measures announced from Brussels
A recent change in European law regarding the circumstances by which a person can be committed to a mental institution by the state has meant that in future anyone found guilty of smoking a cigarette in a designated public 'no smoking' area could in...
Read full storyRonaldo fails the "AXE" test!
Real Madrid and Man United's ex super-star was observed at a tennis match in Madrid with his scorching, red-hot Russian girlfriend and she obviously turned him on so much he failed the "AXE" test. Photos of Ronaldo looking like he'd just finished...
Read full storyLiverpool Fans In Michael Jackson Statue Panic
It's being reported that hundreds of Liverpool fans are afraid to go near Fulham's Craven Cottage ground ahead of tonight's Premier League match because they're afraid of Mohamed Al Fayed's tribute Michael Jackson statue. According to eye witnesse...
Read full storyShocking Inside Look at Bin Laden Take Down: Obama So Paralyzed with Fear and Indecision Panetta Made the Decision in Palace Coup!
Power brokers inside the White House, said to be so fed up with Obama's procrastinating and reliance on Chicago Slum Lord Valerie Jarrett, who based her advice only in terms of a re election campaign, bi passed the President and set the wheels in motion for the final take down of Bin Laden! The coup, for that is exactly what it was, was spear headed by a frustrated Hillary Clinton who backed C...
Read full storyKing Kenny Wants His Perch Back
According to sources, 'King' Kenny Dalglish is privately furious that Manchester United are all set to overhaul Liverpool's tally of 18 League Titles, and has sent an angry text to Sir Alex Ferguson demanding his perch back. Old Trafford insiders...
Read full storyThe Los Angeles Lakers Are Swept By The Dallas Mavericks - Cheap Shot Artists Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum Are Quickly Traded To The Cleveland Cavaliers
DALLAS - The once proud Los Angeles Lakers are no more. Their coach Phil Jackson has retired and will head up to Montana where rumor has it he will spend his time counting sheep, branding sheep, and hitting sheep, since he won't have Pau Gasol around...
Read full storyPaul McCartney Engaged To Marry Girlfriend - Yoko Approves
London - Paul McCartney has announced his engagement to marry longtime girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. While the two have been dating for four years, they'd been nervously waiting final permission from Yoko Ono aka "Dragon Lady" to go forward...
Read full storyQPR face massive penis reduction
QPR fans are bracing themselves for a massive penis reduction from the Football Association. FA spokesperson Arthur Slaphead-Mason is calling for a 10"reduction and claims "Those big time Charlies have been larging it up for years". QPR fans have...
Read full storyMax Mosley defends lurid BDSM slurs against 'Churchill: The Hollywood Years' actor
London - He's still pretty much sore-assed at the Sunday Smearer lawsuit that saw him win 'paltry' £60,000 damages for hurts suffered by the paper's perverted Nazi sex allegations. But S&M aficionado Max Mosley spoke today in defence of David...
Read full storyBin Laden Unhappy With Virgins, Seeks Groupie Trade with Elvis
As reported earlier today in Afterlife Magazine, a staff medium successfully channeled the posthumous thoughts of Osama Bin Laden in a recent conversation with Elvis, where Bin Laden appears to be disappointed with his newly acquired bevy of virgins.
Read full storyGOP Advertises on Craigslist for 2012 Candidates. Most Responders Prostitutes!
The wire services are reporting today that, since last weekend's debate in SC, the GOP has been running ads for potential 2012 presidential candidates on Craigslidy. According to sources inside the RNC speaking on condition of anonymity, there have b...
Read full storyJedward singing duo absolutely fuming
Their singing abilities aside, Irish pop duo Jedward are fuming about how the entire lead-up to their Eurovision Song Contest entry has turned into a complete farce for them. Returning from a specialist clinic in Glasgow where they were having the...
Read full storyCelebrity Apprentice: The Three Black Women Are Out! - NeNe Leakes Quits, And Donald Trump Fires La Toya Jackson and Star Jones
NEW YORK CITY - In a move that some television media critics are calling highly "interesting," the three Black women who were left on Celebrity Apprentice are all now gone. And many are wondering if that is simply just one heck of a coincidence or...
Read full storyClegg Fights Back With NHS Pledge
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has promised to come out fighting after his party's disastrous showing in the local and national elections last week. Clegg has vowed to fight the Conservatives' proposed plans to revamp the National Health Service and ha...
Read full storyGordon Brown's Anus Horribilis
Gordon Brown has spoken publicly for the first time about his worst ever year - 2010 to 2011 - and the triple whammy of disasters he suffered. First of all, on May 6th, 2010 the Labour party under his leadership were bounced out of government by t...
Read full storyAlex Salmond Dedicates SNP Triumph
Victorious SNP leader Alex Salmond has dedicated his party's stunning victory in last week's Holyrood elections to the Liberal Democrats' current boss Nick Clegg and Labour's former leader Gordon Brown. A delighted Salmond was quick to attribute p...
Read full storyCoalition Celebrate First Birthday
The Coalition Government has celebrated its first birthday at the five star Montcalm Hotel in London. The first UK Coalition Government for 60 years has had its fair share of ups and downs and there were major doubts expressed by sources on both s...
Read full storyThe Word Out Of Hollywood Is That Pippa Middleton Is Dating The World's Number One Porn Star Ron Jeremy
LOS ANGELES - Just Saying and Say What two of the biggest selling supermarket tabloids are reporting that Pippa Middleton, the sister of Kate Middleton, aka The Duchess of Cambridge is dating the infamous Ron Jeremy. Jeremy, the world's leading ma...
Read full storyKim Kardashian and Ray J in 'Fill my Retarded Meathole, C-List Rap Artist': "Two Penises Up" Says Roger Ebert.
Kim Kardashian and Ray J in 'Fill my Retarded Meathole, C-List Rap Artist': "Two Penises Up" Says Roger Ebert. (Not his, of course, but...) While Kim Kardashian's sex tape (with whom we assume is her gardener) is getting rave reviews from horndo...
Read full storyElderly Woman Wins Entire U.S. Treasury
In a sweepstakes mix-up that makes the Toyota recall seem like a stroll in the park, Marge Holdstrom,86,of Foxborough,Tennessee, has won the entire contents of the United States Treasury. Treasury officials were stunned to learn that Mrs. Holdstr...
Read full storyMan Fails to Reconnect With Mother Again
(Portland, Ohio) - After failing last year, Stephen Young was not willing to be rejected by his mother again this year on Mother's day. Stephen, 32, spent the last 364 days contemplating on what he did wrong and on what he needs to do this year i...
Read full storyPolitical Problems Plague Pakistan
Islamabad PK: Pakistan's president and parliament have resigned under pressure to step down in the wake of three political scandals that boiled over this week, shaking up the government and traumatizing the nation. Al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama...
Read full storyObama Amazed That SEALS Actually Barked At Him: BARRACCK!
President Obama went to Fort Campbell on Friday to welcome back and congratulate SEAL Team Six, the elite Special OPS group that successfully took down Osama bin Laden this past Sunday. There he met privately with these iconic warriors, as no on...
Read full storyReshuffled Week Puts End To Tuesday Blues
The Home Office has announced plans to reshuffle the week in a bid to do away with the 'Tuesday Blues.' Sources close to Prime Minister David Cameron say the plans are a pet project, part of his design to creat the 'Big Society' with a happier pop...
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