Lack Of News Shocks Newspaper Bosses
Newspaper bosses were left shocked today when absolutely no news occurred anywhere in the world. It is believed to be the least newsworthy day since the 12th of April 2811 BC, which saw just a single news report - a Stonehenge builder accidentally dr...
Read full storyNorth Pole Opens Luxury Casino
Nicknamed the Crystal Igloo, the 50,000 square foot facility with adjoining luxury hotel has opened its doors just in time for the holidays. Planned as an extreme getaway destination for wealthy jetsetters, the casino will also appeal to employees o...
Read full storyTaylor Swift and Taylor Lautner's Christmas TV Special "The Damn Grinch Who Stole Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" Named The Season's Best
HOLLYWOOD - Every Christmas season all of the networks schedule dozens and dozens of holiday themed shows, old time Christmas movies, and oodles of seasonal cartoons geared to holly jolly olde St. Nick and the other cast of Christmasy folks. This...
Read full storyBritish economy grows by 0.00001%
In a rare piece of good news on the economy, it was revealed that the UK's GDP increased by a total of £20 this month. The £20 was introduced into the economy by Mr Basil Pennypincher when he bought an old-fashioned football rattle, cash in hand.
Read full storyScientist in LHC horror
A scientist who was accidentally sucked into the Large Hadron Collider and fired 17 miles along its length at speeds reaching 186,000 miles per second was today said to be 'comfortable' after being rushed to Geneva central hospital following his orde...
Read full storyThe British hand over the Isle of Wight to Argentina
The Isle of Wight is to be handed over to Argentina in the New Year. Britain and South American countries including Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay and Uruguay, came to the decision at a secret summit in the Uruguayan capital, Montevideo last night. T...
Read full storyPublic Libraries: return books on time or be shot
Police officers can now lawfully shoot those who mock the library fine system. "In some cases during the summer several thousand library books were not taken back on time throughout England. This is totally unacceptable, anti-social behavior which w...
Read full storyLetters to Santa
Dear Santa, I would like a manufacturing sector for Christmas. We seem to have lost our old one. Thank you, David (Cameron) Herr Claus, I am not sure what to ask for this year - something to stop those South Europeans from badgering us for more money would be useful. Perhaps a Swiss bank account, or a big stick. Auf Weidersehen, Angela Monsieur Noel, For Christm...
Read full storyOrders for bulldozers hit 100 year high
Detroit - As home foreclosures escalate the need to bulldoze vacant property is expected to soar. That is why orders for bulldozers have hit a 100 year high, according to bulldozer salesman Ravegay Iggerday, of Detroit. We have Mr. Iggerday on the...
Read full story"Blackburn Rovers Fans Are All Stupid B*st*rds" Claims Burnley Fan
Fanatical Burnley FC supporter, Tommy Dobson sparked outrage today when he he described fans of fierce local rivals, Blackburn Rovers, as: "Stupid bastards." The remark was sparked by Sky TV coverage of the Blackburn Rovers v Bolton Wanderers rele...
Read full storySteve Jobs Still Running Apple -- From Hell
Cupertino, California -- Almost three months after his death, Steve Jobs continues to head Apple Inc., controlling the company from his special place in Hell through a combination of Wi-Fi, G4 and supernatural workarounds. "I made a pact with the...
Read full storyNASA Finds Earth Sized Planets in Newt Gingrich's Head
Following earlier press releases about the identification of additional Earth sized planets in our galaxy, NASA has followed up with an additional study identifying similar sized planets orbiting within the confines of Newt Gingrich's skull. "We w...
Read full storyKobe Bryant Says That His Divorce Will Not Affect His Basketball Play Except Maybe For His Free Throw Shooting
LOS ANGELES - The star of the Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant had just finished dribbling and shooting a basketball for three hours straight during a team practice at The Staples Center when he sat down with Sports Territory Magazine's Tango Brisket.
Read full storyBon Jovi Alive but Generalissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead
Still fighting Internet rumors and that the 80's rock legend had indeed passed away, Bon Jovi appeared in front of the press this morning holding up a sign that read simply, "I am not dead". Hoping the quick photo op would quell additional rumors...
Read full storyThe Kardashian Christmas Carol
Sung to the tune of "God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen" God rest Merry Kardashians On Christmas we must say, You sound like four old cackling hens In constant disarray. Reality TV was great, Till you became cliché. Butt implants, Botox and breasts deployed. We jumped for joy. Oh, butt implants, Botox and breasts deployed. Momma Kris is family pimp "Their pictures for a price" The...
Read full storyThe Erotically Sexy Jennifer Lopez Named "Cougar of The Year"
BROOKLYN - Jennifer Lopez and her brand new boyfriend Caspar Smart were standing in line at a Mr. Swifty Supermarket when she glanced at the magazine rack section and spotted herself on one of the covers. The publication was TV ClickerWorld and th...
Read full storyDorking Video Game 'Unrealistic' say residents
The latest 3D Shoot-em-up setting in the sleepy suburb of Dorking has sparked outrage among residents of the sleepy suburb of Dorking. "The game is good and all," said resident youth, Jay Stick. "It's just not Dorking, you know." According to r...
Read full storyHiggs Boson found on Navy Frigate
Crew members aboard the Frigate HMS Rigging have returned to Southampton after six months patrolling the seas around Afghanistan to much confusion. "We've pulled into port this week," said quartermaster Lou Tennant, "and we're told the entire worl...
Read full storyLeveson Inquiry To Investigate Tabloid Riot Plans
Lord Leveson's Inquiry into media standards is to expand its investigations into tabloid newspapers' plans to foment riots on British streets. The news follows yesterday's publication of the official review of police tactics during the summer dist...
Read full storyFamily Christmas Is Tough Call When Mum Visits
Many mums don't enjoy visiting their grown-up children's homes for Christmas because they believe they could do a better job. Fourteen per cent say they get bored and a similar number feel annoyed at not being allowed to help in the kitchen. Th...
Read full story'Yule be sorry' hackers told as Winter Solstice big guns put on dazzling display
London - Squirming worm-like red top hackers are on Winter Solstice high alert despite Tuesday's stellar TV performance by Piers Morgan. Tomorrow's 5.30am solar ingress into Capricorn seize (sic) some stunning astrological aspects vying to flush o...
Read full storyHomeless baby boomers overdue for death
Newly-homeless baby-boomers are dying minutes after leaving their former homes. As reported in the press here, it is expected that younger people will live shorter lives (up to thirty years less) if they are homeless. Our source, Dr. Offincaye, r...
Read full storyWilliam Hague's Ode to Christmas
I've much to be glad for, like my personal assistants Julian and Lucien, Ffion the Mrs, and Wilberforce, my cosmetic beautician, My overseas investments in Germany, Saudi Arabia and the Aleutian, And the fact that I'm a billionaire politician! Now Christmas approaches, time to share and give to the poor, That's what they say, but I think that idea is a bore, The proletariat masses, drunken...
Read full storyKim Jong-un North Korea's new God
On Saturday Dec. 17, 2011 the leader of North Korea Kim Jong-il passed away and left the country in the hands of his third and youngest son Kim Jong-un, 27 or 28. The question arises, 'What is Kim Jong-un's religion?' That is an extremely good questi...
Read full storyThe Reason The American Advertising Alliance Pulled Taylor Swift's CoverGal Makeup Ad
CLEVELAND - Country music singing sensation Taylor Swift had just finished performing at The WWW Dot Coliseum in Cleveland when she was quickly whisked away to her backstage dressing room by an assistant. Apparently Taylor had gotten a call from a...
Read full storyApple fights legal battle with vaccum cleaner
Computer giant Apple are to go ahead with a patent lawsuit, against German manufacturer of domestic appliances Miele. According to Apple, Miele have violated two to three of Apple's patent designs, with the new Miele Dustkart-3000Z. A spokespe...
Read full storyHarriet Harman Identifies Top Most Socially Destructive Melodies Systematically Imposed on Society by Late Year Faith-Focused Event: 2011 Edition
Despite having considerably less to do than ever before, Harriet Harman has rather breathlessly published her now annual Early Winter Warning to Britons, reminding them that what seems like a melodic tribute to the slyly called 'Festive Season', is i...
Read full storyPiers Morgan hints on other wordly source
Piers Morgan, former British Journalist, television host and Britain's Got Talent judge, has said at the Leveson Inquiry via video link that he believed no hacking took place while he was editor of the Mirror, but he didn't rule out using other alter...
Read full storyNAAGP Protest no Green Kids Playing the Grinch in South Dakota School
The National Association for the Advancement of Green People (NAAGP) has started protesting outside a Minot, North Dakota elementary school over the fact the school's Christmas play Grinch has never been played by a green kid. The elementary schoo...
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