Lance Armstrong: "That syringe sticking out of my thigh is a fashion statement"
Austin, Texas: During what was expected to be a typical post-retirement press conference for the athlete, in which he would announce plans to compete in an ever more mediocre sporting event and blather about cancer, Lance Armstrong's day took a turn...Read full story
NBA Suspends Kim Kardashian From All Contact With Players: David Stern Calls Her "Serial Screen Scratcher"
NEW YORK - NBA Commissioner David Stern today suspended Kim Kardashian from future contact with any NBA basketball player currently under contract with one of the teams making up the league. Calling Kardashian a "serial screen scratcher" who pre...Read full story
Christie Brinkley Owes The Taxman
The IRS has issued a lien against mega super model Christie Brinkley for the more than half a million dollars it claims she owes in back taxes. Records indicate that the 57-year-old polymerized beauty has $531,000 in debts to the goverment. She is...Read full story
Islamaphonia: the New Islamic Smart Phone
A new kind of smart phone has been launched today in India to corner a valuable religious market which will no doubt attract hundreds of millions of users. It is called the Islamaphonia and is going to be the world's first smart phone for Islam. I...Read full story
Pedestrian dies after being hit by seven cars
Cheers turned to tears after a series of 'accidents' on the A58 near Halifax - all involving the same pedestrian. Brad Lee Bruzed was well-known in the area as a prolific jay-walker. According to friends and relatives he was attempting to beat th...Read full story
Young People Apparently Want Jobs
Young people are being criticised by senior political figures for their evident desire to spend the majority of their waking hours following orders and carrying out unenviable tasks. "The lack of imagination is staggering," said Boris Johnson, May...Read full story
Euro Rescue: Merkel and Sarkozy to marry
Germany and France have struck a grand bargain that they hope will save the euro, burying their differences over a rigorous new regime to drive down eurozone debt and restore market confidence in the battered single currency. At talks in Paris viewed...Read full story
Joey Barton, Robbie Savage and John Terry pay tribute to Socrates
The football world was left dazed and confused this week after the untimely death of the legendary philosopher Socrates. Born in 469 BC, Socrates was named after the charismatic footballer Socrates who captained Brazil in the 1982 and 1986 World...Read full story
US Scientists discover God living in a massive black-hole!
Scientists at the University of Berkeley, California, have made an amazing discovery; God lives in a black-hole in a galaxy far away called NGC4889. The other God better known as A+++h (name changed for political reasons) also lives in a massive b...Read full story
Modelling agency accused of discrimination
Susan Dowdy is suing her local modelling agency, Hott Models, for discrimination. The 50 year-old spinster from West Lothian, Scotland, applied for a job at Hott and was shocked to be turned down because she 'didn't have the right look'. 'It's o...Read full story
Brit supermarkets caught stealing in run up to Christmas!
Several Brit supermarkets have been caught nicking from their punters by offering them "spoof" deals which are not quite what they seem. Many leading supermarket have been offering 1/2 price deals on many products leading up to the festive period...Read full story
India lads mag outs Veena Malik 'as Bollywood Anna Chapman'
Pakistan - "I won't be taking this slur lying down," ebony-eyed Pakistani actress, model and sometime comedienne Veena Malik vowed today. But her country's equivalent of 'MI5' is said to be livid at the publication of its ISI acronym tattooed on t...Read full story
Dallas Cowboys Fans Shocked As Coach Jason Garrett Ices His Own Kicker Costing The Team The Game
GLENDALE, Arizona - Dallas Cowboys Coach Jason Garrett said he called time out to make sure that his field goal kicking unit had settled in - well if they had been any more settled in they would have looked like hefty John Goodman sprawled out on the...Read full story
Jeremy Clarkson sees "red" in Japanese luxury car pile-up!
A sea of red, in fact the Red Sea, was seen as several luxury cars piled into one another on a road leading to Hiroshima, (nothing to do with the bomb) Japan. A convoy of red Ferraris + several luxury Mercedes, etc, led by Jeremy Clarkson was stre...Read full story
Enough natural gas under Kew Gardens to power 1,000 power stations
London - "It's a weird pong, like," head groundsman Alfie Gribbles said today describing Kew's pungent whiff, "a bit like sunshine on freshly deposited horse manure. "Never realised it's worth squillions if only we could get the fracking licence."...Read full story
Chinese Giant Panda Shock
The Pandas, exported from China to Scotland on a trial marriage, have shocked their zoo keepers by saying they do want any 'hanky panky' because everyone is watching them. Zoo keeper Angus McTavish feared the experiment in getting the Pandas to ma...Read full story
West Ham: An Apology!
The bitter blow on Saturday which led to a West Ham defeat, when they could have led the Championship was my fault. At least, partially. News of the bombshell about Beckham and Tevez joining West Ham next season, if we got into the Premier League, was hacked by an unknown Spurs fan. Fearing a debacle next season when Scott Parker might also re-join the Hammers this individual then informed the...Read full story
British Royals Cheer the Newly Arrived Pandas, Thank goodness for New Blood
For those of us who are tired of the inbred blue-blood look that kind of reminds those of us on the other side of the pond of a Deliverance movie with robes and crowns, which kind of might be the same as a New Orleans French Quarter party, we all wel...Read full story
Want to do your hair? There's an app for that
There is now one less thing that a woman has to carry in her handbag with the latest applelet from MyWay Apps: iReflect. Using the front facing camera of the iPhone or iPad, it turns the device into a fully functioning mirror. "One of the trick...Read full story
Tiger Woods Wins First Golf Tournament In Two Years - Celebrates With A White Blonde
THOUSAND OAKS, California - After two years of losing every golf tournament he entered Eldrick Tont Woods AKA Tiger Woods has finally felt how it feels to be a winner again instead of the loser he had become. The man whose his ex-wife Elin Nordegr...Read full story
Christina Aguilera Reveals The Reason Why She Has Gained So Much Weight
WEST HOLLYWOOD - The girl who revived the careers of genies with her song "Genie In A Bottle" Christina Aguilera recently stated that yes she has in fact packed on quite a bit of weight. Aguilera talked with Fajita San Guacamole of Hollywood Inn...Read full story
The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 5
Meisterfibber took a large breath, puffed out his chest, enhanced his 'air of dignity' and began giving the terms, one at a time. "The first term is for you to stop killing off the King's guard". Burpsfire needed a moment to think about this. After some time he came up with the following response: "But, I've already killed off every one of the King's guard", the dragon said with a puzzled...Read full story
The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 4
Meisterfibber went back home and told his mom about his upcoming quest. She was not pleased to hear about it, but thought that getting her adopted son away from Murray's Tavern for a few days would not be such a bad idea. She packed him a backpack full of food and took a fresh clean pair of briefs and put them into a leather case. She told him, that, if he was to make a good impression with the...Read full story
Socrates dies at the age of 57
Socrates, the footballer and philosopher, has died at the tender age of 57. He had the honour of playing for his native Brazil country 60 times, as well as being one of the founders of Western philosophy in his native Greece. Born in Athens in 469...Read full story
DC Subway Metro Riders Perturbed when Metro has a Perfect Operational Day
On a record setting day where the DC Metro Subway system ran just perfectly, thousands of DC Subway riders are in an uproar over its incredulously precise promptness and lack of any equipment malfunctions. On a December Sunday the subway actually ha...Read full story
Porcelain Thief Dead
Porcelain Thief, Rudolfo Garanzo, is found dead next to a pile of shattered porcelain. It is a dark 5:30PM as I stand with police and porcelain owner on the corner of Schiller and Broadway. It appears the porcelain was booby-trapped; however, the owner of the porcelain claims to know nothing. I speak with porcelain owner/possible murderer, Antonio Endanto. "Yes, of course I've heard of...Read full story
Local Man Can't Hear a Word His Wife is Saying in Other Room
Local man, Mike Beesaw, can not hear a word his wife is saying in the other room. Mike and Laurie Beesaw have been married for just under one year and so far, things have been going just fine. At night, Mike likes to sit in the living room of his...Read full story
Irish embassy in uproar over X-Factor finalists
The Irish Ambassador to the UK has sought urgent talks with Prime Minister David Cameron over the final group in this year's X-Factor, a popular television talent show famed for premium rate telephone voting and pointless competitions, clueless judge...Read full story