Wayne Rooney in Four Word Outburst
Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney stunned millions of television viewers by revealing he now has a vocabulary of four words. After completing his hat-trick in the 4-2 win over West Ham United at Upton Park, Rooney shouted the words 'Fucking w...
Read full storyCommentary: Please Don't Save the Whales. Seriously
BY SQUEAKY THE WHALE Look, thanks. Firstly, just thank you. You really have gotten into gear to save my species, you humans. Stopping the Japanese fishermen, stopping people from skinning us. Thanks. But, really... you're still killing us, unwittingly. It's great, letting us back into the wild. My cousin, Larry, was in the Aqautic London Zoo. Airlifted to Alaska. Great place. One problem.
Read full storyCar Crash on Motorway Reminds Nation of Death of Diana
BIRMINGHAM - Known for the fact that nearly every motorway in the country passes through it, a multi-vehicle pile-up reminds us of the fragility of human life, especially that of Princess Diana. The collision occurred at 2.45pm between Junction 6...
Read full storySnooki Advises Toni Morrison to Get a Pouf
Don't count Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, "The Jersey Shore" star, among those who were shocked to learn that she was paid $32,000 for her talk at Rutgers University, while famous author Toni Morrison is being paid only $30,000 to give the Rutgers commenc...
Read full storyMoD UFO Workers sacked
As part of government cuts, the department in the Ministry of Defence that deals with all of the crap sent in by the public about their UFO sightings has been closed. The department has been operating since 1950. The need was identified when membe...
Read full storyMentally Challenged Victims of IQ Scam May Get Their Money Back
ATLANTA, GA - People with below average intelligence, whether it be from heredity, birth defect, or brain injury, are now targets of yet another scam in which the perpetrators claim to be able to raise the IQ of an affected person by as much as 50 po...
Read full storyLiz Taylor's Ghost "On the beat"
Liz Taylor's ghost has been seen several times walking the streets of downtown Manhattan dressed only in a shortie see-through cotton shift after having finally found her true vocation. The local girls were quite upset to see her strutting her stuff on their beat and were very relieved when she failed to scare off any of the randy punters. "She is somewhat past her sell by date," one scantil...
Read full storyCube shaped sumo wrestler rescued
Tokyo - A terminally fat Sumo Wrestler was in the hospital yesterday according to neighbors who found him fused to the wallpaper of his bedroom. His girlfriend had been feeding the man uncooked rice flavored with aspartame. Such rice has more...
Read full storyWillie Hague blunders again in Middle East
Arab league members were truly amazed and dismayed when William Hague attended a charity masquerade ball last night dressed as a crusader knight. Ably supported by the lovely Ffion he staggered in red faced under the weight of the costume and spe...
Read full story"Blue's" Simon Web In "You Tube" 'Nudey Rudey' Video Sensation With 'TOWIE' Girl Chloe Simons
'The Only Way Is Essex' star Chloe was caught 'inflagrante delicto' on top of her friend's boyfriend boy band Blue's, Simon Webb. The plastic fantastic playboy model was found splayed over Layla's boyfriend only wearing a short white dress, stilet...
Read full story'Skinnymalinx" Victoria's Secret Model Is Gradually Vanishing
A skeletal thin lingerie model is gradually fading away. She is gradually growing thinner and thinner. The South African beauty is worried by her gradual loss of weight. She said, "I bought some special 'vanishing cream' and rubbed it on my butt...
Read full storyElizabeth Taylor's jewelry appraised only to discover - all pieces are fake
After close examination of the late Elizabeth Taylor's jewelry a spokesman for her estate made this announcement, "I am embarrassed to tell you that we have had Ms. Taylor's jewelry appraised and were shocked to be told that every piece is 'fake'. Apparently, Ms. Taylor had to pawn her collection piece by piece over the past 5 or 6 years, in order to pay medical bills, staff wages etc. It...
Read full storyGovernor Chris Christie: "Rude, crude, and unattractive rocks!"
Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey held a press conference and town hall meeting yesterday to explain his position on running for president. He started his remarks by saying, "Rude, crude, & Unattractive rocks! You got a problem with that?!" The attendees yelled in unison, "NO!" Christie continued: "You want a beauty queen or a snob, go look someplace else. You ever look in a mirror?...
Read full storyGoodwillie Embarrassed By Rooney Comparison
Dundee United striker has admitted he was "embarrassed" by his manager comparing him with Man Utd's Wayne Rooney. Tangerines boss Peter Houston compared his prized possession to the England striker after his spectacular overhead goal against Mothe...
Read full storyCaley Thistle v Celtic Game Postponed
Today's Scottish Premier League fixture between Inverness Caley Thistle and Celtic has been postponed after an incident in a local hotel involving the Parkhead club. Highland and Islands Police officers were called to the luxury Rocpool Reserve Ho...
Read full storyWilletts Attacked Over Feminism Remark
The Universities Minster David Willetts is under fire from opposition MP's and women's groups after claiming that feminism had been the main obstacle to social mobility. But Willetts has hit back, alleging that his comments were taken out of conte...
Read full story"Friday" kills 18 in Massive Pileup
Today a Kansas city Turnpike was the seen of a horrific disaster, as a seen out of Apocalypse Now or some other god awful war scene epic. Highway 635 was held up after a 3pm pile up of massive SUV's and one Toyota Scion. As the survivors were questio...
Read full storyCharity Fund For Deprived Pupils
The Crodyon Trust educational charity is to take over the running of a fund aimed at helping disadvantaged children. £125 million will be available to the Trust over the next 10 years, mainly in the form of government grants. The fund will be m...
Read full storyObama to Order 80,000 US Troops on Mediterranean Sea Vacation
WASHINGTON, DC - Sometime in March, thousands of USMC troops from Camp Lejeune, North Carolina received orders from Obama to deploy to the Mediterranean, while Congress remained unaware of the President's use of American soldiers. President Obama:...
Read full storyA New World Religion On the Map
Northern Ireland's Presbyterian minister Ian Paisley has opened talks with Colonel Gaddafi in an attempt to broker a peace in the Middle East. No stranger to incipient civil war situations Dr. Paisley said: "I can see a way forward out of this re...
Read full storyAll The Behind-The-Scenes American Idol Gossip About Guest Singer Fantasia "Full-Figured" Barrino Surprisingly Singing A Song All About Food
HOLLYWOOD - Fantasia Barrino, the winner of American Idol season number three, in 2004, returned to the AI stage and performed her newest song. The song which was written by Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres, two former AI judges who were both fi...
Read full storySouthwest's "Breached Hull In Aircraft Discount Program" Put On Hold
Southwest Airlines --the air travelers's absolute last resort-- whose Scratch-and-Dent / Breached Hull Aircraft Discount Program drew tens of new customers to the company, has been told to discontinue the program after a flight made an emergency lan...
Read full storyD.A. In Paris Hilton Cocaine Possession Case Busted for (Wait For It...) Cocaine Possession.
The Los Angeles County D.A. who prosecuted the cocaine possession cases of Paris Hilton and Bruno Mars with all the fervor that Charlie Sheen chases whiskey-flavored hooker vaginas has been busted... for cocaine possession. David Schubert was pull...
Read full storyStupid Government Still Not Listening to Protesters
LONDON - The douchebag government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has yet again turned a blind eye towards its loserific actions against peaceful protesters. UK Uncut, a peaceful protest movement - as guaranteed by trad...
Read full storyPrince William to Inherit Kingdom of Mongo as Well!
It was revealed recently by family barristers that Prince William stands to inherit the planet Mongo from the estate of Charles Middleton (AKA Emperor Ming the Merciless) great grandfather of his bride to be Kate Middleton. A stipulation in his w...
Read full storyTop Seven Great...: Song Titles and Albums
Music is one of the most widely known art forms, with many genres, pop, rock, jazz, blues, (c)rap, and others. Oh, and Ben Folds. Here are some great song titles and albums from the modern era. 1) "The Undertaker's Thirst for Revenge is Unquenchable (The Final Battle)" - Chiodos [S] 2) "One Angry Dwarf and Two Hundred Solemn Faces" - Ben Folds [s] 3) "You Are Fired (Take This Job, Ah,...
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