Commentary: Please Don't Save the Whales. Seriously

Written by Inhopeless

Saturday, 2 April 2011


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Look, thanks. Firstly, just thank you. You really have gotten into gear to save my species, you humans. Stopping the Japanese fishermen, stopping people from skinning us. Thanks.

But, really... you're still killing us, unwittingly. It's great, letting us back into the wild.

My cousin, Larry, was in the Aqautic London Zoo. Airlifted to Alaska. Great place. One problem. Thanks to your powerplants, and your demand for ENERGY, ENERGY, your cities and towns have been causing thermal pollution into our waters.

You see, heat causes the oxygen levels of water to decrease, as the water molecules push them out. It's basic GCSE Chemistry. That means, my food dies quicker. I have lungs. My lunch have gills. If my lunch dies, I will rot away. That's also bad for you, because less CO2 gets absorbs.

Also, that climate change/global warming thing ain't gonna solve itself, you know? boosting water temperature by 1 deg. C not only kills my food, but it will raise water levels by 1m. That's not much, but London's sewers are a few metres above sea level. Yeah.

Look, just stop wasting your effort. Just let us go extinct in peace.

I mean, my friend, Sarah, - just this morning - she swallowed some of that rubbish you let into the ocean. 200,000 litres of oil, some plastic coolant pipes, and a Honda. What the fuck, man? Who the hell lets a '95 Civic drift into the Atlantic?

Also, okay, also... your SONAR. It's great that your giant nuclear-powered vessels can work out far from the ocean floor you are, but it messes with my head. My mother was looking for her mate, and you just blast some high-frequency sound waves at her. Seriously, not cool.

On that note... what the fuck?! How big do your cruise ships need to be? You killed my mate because the captain of the King George forgot which way fucking North was.

Look, when we die out, you can look at the kilometres-long reels of tape you have of our majestic glory.

You'll understand, right? I mean, in about 40 years, you'll be wanting to be extinct too.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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