Louis Walsh solves the Irish Question
Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness have shocked the world of UK politics today by calling on the breakaway factions of the Provisional IRA to lay down their weapons and support partition from Southern Ireland. In a shock move, the former rabid repu...
Read full storyBordello Falls Saga Still Very Much Alive And Kicking
X-Factor rehearsals were today dramatically interrupted when Geordie warbler and chart topper Cheryl Cole announced that the Western Serial collaboration, 'Bordello Falls' had not, as suspected, faded away and died, but on the contrary was very much...
Read full storyOrgasms in my sleep: Maria Sharapova
Blushing Meadows - (Hawkeye): "About five in the morning," Maria Sharapova confided today, "I get this throbbing. Like I'd just gone grand slam with Rafa on that vibrating pommel horse of his. Whoa!" Interviewed this weekend by LA FagHagSlagMag'...
Read full storyParents to be given compulsory sex lessons
In a reversal of government policy, sex education lessons are to be given to parents. Education Minister Ed Balls proposed the idea after realising that, as a parent, he simply wasn't getting any. Balls, who is married to Cabinet colleague Yvet...
Read full story"Eyes Free" Cell Phone Technology Progress Stalls
SAN JOSE, CA - Clinton Chetry, a 44-year-old research assistant at Cellcorp, Inc. of San Jose, California, says he has developed technology that should allow its users to safely operate cellphones and other hand held devices while walking or driving...
Read full storyGordon Brown warns Afghan President, "don't be corrupt." He answered, "what's corrupt?"
Upright, honest, stiff, straight (apart from his expenses) Gordon Brown has warned President Karzai, not to be corrupt! Karzai in perfect English replied, "what is that, corrupt?" Now Gordon was speaking from a Britsh point of view, stiff, uppe...
Read full storyObama to address unemployment with job tax
WASHINGTON DC - According to my source, Heinze Kissinger, the Obama administration is set to announce a new solution to the dearth of jobs in America. Due to the shortage of jobs here, all jobs will no longer pay any money. Instead, all workers w...
Read full storyCheryl Cole's Secret Sex Life
Hot on the heels of personal revelations pertaining to the sex life of Aussie actress Nicole Kidman, I decided that I'd better run a follow up story pretty quickly to capitalise on the abject failure of the last one. So I asked X-Factor judge, Gir...
Read full storyHousehold Sand Bills Set To Rise 200%
Consumers reacted angrily today to a proposed 200% increase in Sand Bills. The increase has been sparked by the recession and global warming. A spokesperson for The Central Sand Board told us: "It's regrettable, but our sand is getting more expens...
Read full storyHitler's house up for sale and Obama beats off all competitors?!
Adolf Hitler's birth house is now up for sale and there have been offers for the property from the most unusual sources. Obviously BNP leader Nick Griffin put in an offer, he wants to be able to feel the vibes of his hero, worship the master, set...
Read full storyThe New $1.15 Billion Dallas Cowboy Stadium To Be Torn Down Due To A Flaw In The Urinals
DALLAS - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones reported that he has just been informed by the president of the construction company that built his new state-of-the-art $1.15 billion stadium that it will probably have to be torn down. Ian Poundsworth, C...
Read full storyMajor 'Abu' Nidal Malik Hasan: Pentagon probes shooter shrink
Texas - (Kabulshit): Fort Hood military psychiatrist Major 'Abu' Nidal Malik Hasan had a long hystery. US military forensics described this as a huge admiration of Palestinian Fatter-Revolutionary Council terrist and 'father of the struggle' Sabri...
Read full storyTop 12 New Bioengineering Project Nears Completion
Top Twelve New Bioengineering Project That Are Almost Ready! 12. Octopus that can change race car tires two at a time! 11. Popcorn kernels that can not only pop but poop out caramel covering. 10. Carrot that can do a really authentic sounding Elvis imitation. 9. Poker Playing Prairie Dogs that can also play the tuba, washboard and accordion! 8. A skunk that when flattened on the hig...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Baby Speaks His First Words
It's every parent's ultimate defining moment, and it was no different for Manchester United and England football star Wayne Rooney and his wife Coleen this week, when their new baby spoke his first word - "Erm". The bouncing baby boy, who the Roon...
Read full storyKilimanjaro To Vanish In Next 20 Years
The snows capping Kilimanjaro, Africa's tallest peak, are shrinking far more rapidly than ever before, and could vanish altogether in the next 20 years, says a US study. There was worse news, however, when it was also claimed that Kilimanjaro, its...
Read full storyKFC To Undergo Name Change
KFC, the well-loved fast food outlet that serves fried chicken amongst other unappetising shite, is to undergo a major change as it rebrands itself as what will be known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. The change comes as a direct response to customers...
Read full storyMTV Europe Music Awards - No One Took Anyone's Microphone Away
BERLIN - The MTV Europe Music Awards were held in Berlin, Germany at The Stalag 93 Commemorative Auditorium, in honor of the 20th year anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. The host of the event was Russell Brand's girlfriend, Katy "I Kissed...
Read full storyBig Pile Of Shit Falls On New York Street!
James and Charlotte Hampton were among native New Yorkers and tourists visiting the city who narrowly missed being crushed by a three by four foot block of iced shit that hit and smashed a street near Washington Square yesterday. The Hamptons were...
Read full storyFernando Caceres Attackers To Be Turned Into Corned Beef
News is just emerging from Argentina that police hunting the vicious attackers of fomer Argentina footballing hero Fernando Caceres, have said that the culprits, when captured, will be turned into prime South American corned beef. Snr. Caceres, 40...
Read full storyIndian Organization Files Lawsuit To Stop The Use Of The Phrase "Red State"
BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma - The Oklahoma based Coalition Helping Indians Enjoy Fairness (CHIEF) has filed a national lawsuit against the Democratic Party asking that they stop using the phrase Red State when referring to states that lean toward the Demo...
Read full storyCrusty Boogers Put to Good Office Use
Featured in a computer technology industry magazine called the Pocket Protector Quarterly, an article by a New Jersey JAVA programmer has caused controversy in offices across the U.S. Bob Forgreen, the author of the article, asserts that there are...
Read full storyChina hits US with pipes!
According US Commerce Department spokesperson Bikey Schwinn China has been hitting people with pipes here in the United States. The small crack pipes make amazingly good weapons when wielded by Kung Fu artists from China. In retaliation, the US w...
Read full storyAuthorities set to vote on new football rules
Footballs Governing bodies are considering plans to make drastic alterations to footballing rules, in an attempt to make it as exciting, modern and profitable as it has ever been. Ideas that have been mooted include having substitute referees, tha...
Read full storyGlazer family deny Stamford Bridge renaming rumours
Solicitors in Carson City, Wyoming, acting on behalf of Malcolm Glazer, American owner of Manchester United FC today issued a strongly worded rebuttal about rumours circulating on the internet. The Glazer family would like to make it known that th...
Read full storyWenger: "I was right to sell all my best players"
Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger has refuted suggestions that his teams failure to capture a trophy in almost five years is a direct result of the sale of all of his best players. "I do not think this was a wrong move. Not winning a trophy in this lo...
Read full storyWenger: "We Are The Best Team in The World"
Arsenal Coach Arsene Wenger was full of praise for his players and club, ahead of his teams weekend fixture at Wolves. "Just because I say Van Persie is the best striker in the premiership at the moment, does not mean all our other players aren't...
Read full storyReport Claims American English is Misused
Boston MA: Each year various news organizations determine words or phrases that are overused and become annoyingly trite. A new report published by a leading New England University considers good English words that are often used badly. Some examples are: 1. The fight ended when the ruffian was kicked in the gentiles. 2. She went to the Gynecologist to have her Virginia examined. 3. T...
Read full storyAnn Coulter Finally Has Wiring Removed From Broken Jaw, Starts Spewing Anti-Liberal Tirade Like A Volcano.
Ann Coulter, motor mouth darling of the conservative media, who had broken her jaw earlier this year has finally had the surgical metal support holding it removed. As soon as the last screw was removed she suddenly went ballistic spewing an anti-...
Read full storyScientists develop a 'smell map' for the human body
DENVER, Co -Scientists have developed a map of the smell emanating from different regions of the human body, according to my source, Dr. Sten Chisbad, of Boulder. Some of the smells help keep us healthy by playing a key role in social functions, s...
Read full storyHorse genome fully sequenced by mad scientist
DENVER, Colo - A scientist is mad because horse genes match his so closely, he suspects a horse is his father. According to my source, Dr. Mare, the genes of a wild Arabian have been completely decoded by the mad scientist, a Dr. Whinny. The work...
Read full storyJust a thought I had
Stowe, Vermont. You know I've been coming to this town each April now for 43 years to enjoy the brisk mountain air, the quaintly 19th century feel of the houses, the warm and inviting smiles of the residents, the lure of the local cuisine and the overall inner peace it offers visitors like me. One cannot resist the urge to comeback to this splendid little settlement. However, I have, in my 44t...
Read full storyIslamic Critics Blast Susan Boyle on eve of Egypt Show
Cairo, Egypt - As Egypt gears for sulty songstress Susan Boyle's first performance in North Africa, Islamic conservatives are branding her show an "insolent sex party" that threatens the Muslim nation's "social peace and stability." On giant post...
Read full storyFormer Member Of Successful Rock Group Arrested
Police in Nashville, Tennessee say they have arrested a former member of the Rock group, The Monkey Puzzles, who earned their way back in the 1970's by copying the earlier band, The Monkees. Having fallen on hard times of late, Phillip Morse who o...
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