Fernando Caceres Attackers To Be Turned Into Corned Beef

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 6 November 2009

image for Fernando Caceres Attackers To Be Turned Into Corned Beef
Ah, yes, Ernesto - he also became corned beef

News is just emerging from Argentina that police hunting the vicious attackers of fomer Argentina footballing hero Fernando Caceres, have said that the culprits, when captured, will be turned into prime South American corned beef.

Snr. Caceres, 40, played as a centre-back for Argentina in the 1994 World Cup in the US, to where almost 61% of Argentine corned beef is exported every year.

He was shot in the head as he tried to resist the attempts made by an underaged criminal gang to steal his car, and has been in hospital in a coma for more than three days. Doctors say his chances of making a recovery are only 50/50.

Uruguay also produces a lot of corned beef, and it is from there that the world-renowned Fray Bentos brand is derived.

Corned beef is consumed in large amounts by the people of both Argentina and Uruguay, which is why they look a bit 'earthy' and rough-and-ready, and their faces can seem a little weathered, but don't let this put you off; corned beef can make a tasty meal, and any time you are at a loose end as to what to have for your tea, please consider having some corned beef.

A rather lovely way to eat corned beef, is to make a Corned Beef Hash. The ingredients you will need are as follows:

350g/12oz diced Corned Beef
50g/2oz Butter
1 tbsp Oil
275g/10oz sliced Boiled Potatoes
2 medium chopped Onions
Salt and Pepper


This is how to make it:
Heat 25g/1oz of the butter and oil in a large frying pan and gently fry the sliced potatoes, turning occasionally for 5 minutes or until brown - do not mash. Remove with a slotted spoon and keep warm.

Add the remaining butter to the pan and fry the onions for 5 minutes until soft and golden. Add the corned beef and reserved potatoes, salt and pepper and heat thoroughly, turning all the time.

To serve your Corned Beef Hash - pile it in a pyramid onto a hot serving dish and top with fried eggs, if using.

Serve very hot, but not too hot - you'll burn your lips and throat.

The above will serve around four people - perfect if you are a family of four.

What are all those horrible white bits in corned beef though?


* Update * Readers will be pleased to hear that Snr. Caceres was kept in a drug-induced coma for eight weeks, whilst recovering in hospital. He was allowed to go home on 29 December 2009. He is now 49.

- Woods, 18 November 2018

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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