"Eyes Free" Cell Phone Technology Progress Stalls

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 6 November 2009

image for "Eyes Free" Cell Phone Technology Progress Stalls
Chetry's first 'eyes free' phone in the early 90's was a marketing disaster.

SAN JOSE, CA - Clinton Chetry, a 44-year-old research assistant at Cellcorp, Inc. of San Jose, California, says he has developed technology that should allow its users to safely operate cellphones and other hand held devices while walking or driving - without even looking up!

The device, which he calls EyesFree, relies on tiny dual cameras to predict impending collisions and warn its user.

His prototype uses information collected from a stereoscopic camera system implanted in the handheld device to determine whether approaching objects have become too close.

If they have, the device quickly flashes a warning onscreen, displaying a view of what the camera is seeing and allowing the user to react without even looking up.

"What I am in interested in is how we can combine the physical world and the digital world," said Mr. Chetry.

"It almost seems too good to be true," he said, "but we are approaching a time when we will be able to live nearly our entire lives while looking at some sort of a screen, monitor or display."

He acknowledged that the technology will take some time to hit the market; he has approached his superiors at Cellcorp, Inc. on numerous occasions about investing in the development of his product, but they always seem to be far too busy staring at devices held in the palms of their hands to even notice he is there.

Chetry said this is a clear indication his technology is badly needed, though it calls into question when a marketable device like EyesFree might actually be made available.

He indicated that now his only hope to bring his plans to fruition may rely on somehow obtaining Maria Shriver's cell phone number.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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