Secretive Millionaire Battered And Robbed In Rochdale
An emergency production meeting of Channel 44's staffers occurred last night as it became apparent that a 'Secretive Millionaire' had been battered senseless and robbed in Rochdale, Greater Manchester. Wilfully Palmtree, who runs a theatrical agen...
Read full storyGreat Railway Trips of the World: London King's Cross to Luton
On tonight's television on BBC4, viewers can see again the award-winning 'Great Train Journeys of the World: King's Cross to Luton'. Presenter Martin Chuzzletwit takes the epic journey, and drama begins before the train even leaves London. 'I was just opening my Thermos flask of cold tea', he said, 'when the ticket collector came round before we had even got going. 'Tickets please', he said, in...
Read full storySpam makes a comeback in parrot and cheese emporium
Spam, a strange mixture of pork and ham and chemicals, was today back on sale in Montgomery and Python's, London's famous parrot and cheese shop in Shaftesbury Avenue. 'This spam was thought to be deceased, to be pushing up daisies, and to be ex-s...
Read full storyRay Santilli High Court bid for Jade autopsy
London - (Crazy Alien Ass Mess): Wacky ufologist Ray Santilli is seeking a High Court judicial review about the right to perform a live television postmortem on deceased reality tv contestant Jade Goody who passed away this morning. The veteran ex...
Read full storyIS the Bird the word? National Enquiry launched
Yesterday evening Prime Minister Gordon Brown approved funding for a 6 year survey at a cost of nearly 2 billion British Pounds to the tax payer to investigate the possibility of the bird being the word. The government hopes to show definitively...
Read full storyPM : Forget e-mail, I'm psychic!
Downing Street was recently criticised for ending a facility which allowed people to e-mail the prime minister. However all those who do not have a handy fax machine or way of generating smoke signals should not despair, the Prime Minister has rea...
Read full storyJade Good to return from dead!
The nation was gripped by Jade Goody's deathbed revelation last night as in the vein of Alexander the Great, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and the Bride of the Corpse before her Ms. Goody vowed to return from the dead, perhaps readers will be unsurprised to...
Read full storyJade Goody In Mothers' Day Death Caper
Jade Goody, the former Celebrity Big Brother star, so dearly-loved and admired by nearly everyone with a brain the size of a pea, has had the last laugh over her Cancer, by dying dramatically on Mothers' Day. Jade, 27, passed away during the early...
Read full storyCurse of Fergie le Fey goes wrong
A curse cast on Sir Raffaelot, a knight of the round football of Kop, by evil wizard and jouster Fergie le Fey today went badly wrong. Fergie had used his diabolical powers many times on his enemies before, including Lord Workev of New Castle, and...
Read full storyMartha Stewart and Suze Orman team up to give some banking advice in these hard economic times
New York, New York After a brief commercial break, we find the cooperate homemaker and convicted felon, Martha Stewart, and the former waitress turned baby boomer financial wizard, Suze Orman, on location at Martha Stewart's ranch late at night, w...
Read full storyIncest Dad Looks Forward to Prison Hair Transplant
The 73-year-old "Austrian Ogre," who got life in prison for murder and incest, says he hopes to get an even fuller head of hair while behind bars. Joseph Fritzl, who enslaved his daughter in his cellar and sexually abused her 3,000 times during...
Read full storyE. Snuff is E-snuffed: Oxnard Man Was Taxed to Death
Oxnard, Ca. - Tests reveal that the Oxnard man discovered slumped over his computer keyboard last Monday had been taxed to death. The man, Earl Snuff, was reported missing when he failed to report for work. Authorities weren't quite sure what had...
Read full storyYeltsin's not-so-masterplan
According to the Global EPA, the amount of annual gross domestic waste produced by humans reached a nauseating 17,855 tons, with China contributing to two-thirds of said figure. Due to the general strike of the Chinese Tampon manufacturers women...
Read full storyMotown Records Signs "Obama & The Pimps to $5m Contract: Biden Left to Carry On Off Key Policies!
Detroit,Mi, / Motown News - Music critics and baby boomers alike were aghast with the news today that Motown Record Execs had signed an historic music contract, the first ever negotiated with a sitting President, to put Barry & The Pimps on a nat...
Read full storyLanguage no barrier for Polish in Scotland
With thousands of Polish people settling in Scotland, it was feared there would be problems with language and communication, as few Scots speak English, and if they do it's so badly spoken that even other Scots can't understand what they're saying.
Read full storyEx-Bachelor Andrew Firestone Is Now a New Daddy
From Bachelor to big daddy, Andrew Firestone was handing out cigars yesterday and had a lot of white teeth showing. Andrew Firestone and wife, Ivana, welcomed their first child early Saturday morning, reports a U.S. Magazine. The former reality...
Read full storySambabwe rejoices: "I resign" claims Mugabe's asshole.
The former bread basket of Africa turned basket case rejoiced at the news that the anus belonging to Zanu PF's spectacularly corrupt and inept leader, Robert Mugabe fled the across the border to South Africa seeking political anusylum. "The guy...
Read full storyPrime Minister Brown announces - "I am Lawrence of Arabia"
Speaking to a meeting of middle eastern leaders at a jolly in Cairo, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown came out with this amazing admission in a daring bid to curry favour with the Arab nations. Amazingly they seem to have fallen his whizz and the UK...
Read full storyBlago to Obama: A Voice from the GRAVE--"I'm Goin' Get You, Bro!"
Chicago, Il./ Dead Politicians New Update - Like a voice from the Grave, disgraced former governor Rod Blagojevich has reached out to touch current President Barry O'Bama with one of his last official acts...one that may ultimately take the mysterio...
Read full storyUpyakilt
A factory in China has just reported record orders for police and military uniforms, and fake attachments like walkie talkies, tasers, handcuffs, and riot gear. Our intrepid team of investigative journalists traced the order to a cave in Bradfords...
Read full storyManchester United To Change Team Badge
After their miserable and bad-tempered 2-0 defeat to Fulham at Craven Cottage yesterday, last year's Premier League champions Manchester United were forced to face the grim reality that their title might just be slipping away from them. United, no...
Read full storyState funeral for Jade Goody
It has been announced that Jade Goody will be given a state funeral. Anxious to make up for a perceived lack of compassion and sensitivity following the death of Princess Diana, The Queen has decided that the Buckingham Palace flag will fly at half...
Read full storyBrown & Darling on the run - Seeking asylum in Corby!
Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his sidekick Alistair Darling have suddenly fled Downing St arriving late at night in the exclusive Scottish Principality of Corby claiming that "it'd all gone pear shaped." The pair are claiming "Asylum" in the aff...
Read full storyTomato/Tomaeto Football/Soccer
In the world outside of North America football is a game played with the feet with the object of kicking, with the feet, a ball into a goal. Americans call this soccer. In North America football is a game played by combinations of body armour intent on inflicting as much pain, injury and damage on each other as possible. Periodically a pointy thing gets carried or thrown over a line which creates...
Read full storyShock entry into the England volleyball team: Paul Scholes
London,21st Mar: The EVA announced the Great Britain Volleyball team for the looming World Championships. In what appears to be a move towards a strong show in the London Olympics of 2012, the team is dominated by youth. A shock inclusion was former...
Read full storyDiana Ross Top Pick for Obama's "Supremes" Court
Washington, DC - Diana Ross is the top pick of the Obama administration to fill a vacancy on the supreme court should one become available soon. The president, long a fan of Motown, had more than a few reasons to be happy when he was elected. Amo...
Read full storyJade Goody Not At All Known On Meskin Border
There was real drama today in the Jade Goody Saga, when it became apparent that, despite her name being plastered over newspaper headlines and TV screens worldwide, the omnipresent mug of Jade, the terminally-ill cancer sufferer, was "not at all know...
Read full storyJohnny Vegas Has Breast Cancer
Actor and Comedian Johnny Vegas has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is set to undergo treatment to remove his massive man boobs on Tuesday. Vegas, real name Johnny Reno is a keen fan of Wigan Rugby League Club and is not the first male celeb...
Read full storyGeorge Clooney Caught Stroking Angelina Jolie's Pussy - Brad Pitt Said To Be Furious
Actor Brad Pitt is said to be 'livid' after catching best friend and heterosexual actor George Clooney stroking his wife's Pussy when he returned home early from filming his latest movie. Clooney, who is a frequent visitor to the home of Jolie and...
Read full storyMan Dissapointed In Capone DVD
A Sugarhill man says he was bitterly dissapointed after renting the movie Capone from Netflix - especially the casting of Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Al Capone. "He looked and sounded nothing like Capone" said Sanchez Ponco Valaquez "I am a 'gangba...
Read full storyIran Falls as Obama Unleashes World's deadlist Joke
Theran,Iran-Taking a cue from an old comedy skit, the United States successfully unleashed the world's deadliest joke on the Iranian government. Carefully crafted so as to be extremely funny only to it's intended target, the joke toppled the Iranian...
Read full storyUFO seen hovering over Jade Goody's home
Essex - (X-Files Mess): The MoD was swamped with reports of a UFO sighting over Jade Goody's house in Essex today amid reports that an extraterrestrial 'welcome home' advance party was planning to escort the ailing reality tv contestant back to her a...
Read full story