On tonight's television on BBC4, viewers can see again the award-winning 'Great Train Journeys of the World: King's Cross to Luton'.
Presenter Martin Chuzzletwit takes the epic journey, and drama begins before the train even leaves London. 'I was just opening my Thermos flask of cold tea', he said, 'when the ticket collector came round before we had even got going. 'Tickets please', he said, in a dodgy Caribbean accent, 'and as I tried to explain I was working for the BBC he threatened to have me thrown off the train, if I didn't buy one. So I had to pay a full first class fare of £44-78 for the journey.'
'Then we got going, and how delightful it was to see the abandoned gasworks and Second World War bombsites out of the window, there's no other place on Earth you can see such things. Then suddenly the train pulled to a halt and we sat there for half an hour, and I was beginning to wonder what the problem was.'
'Elephants crossing the tracks again? Armed guerrillas on horseback, demanding money from the driver? Armed Bob Geldofs on horseback, demanding money from the driver? Nope, a leaf had blown onto the line, and the Leaf Removal team had to be called out to deal with the situation.'
'Then we set off again, and a drunken Scottish soldier suddenly started singing 'Flower OF Scotland' in the carriage, before throwing up on the carpet. One of the things I love about train travel is the differing and colourful people, and the carpet was certainly colourful after last night's curry and twelve pints of Watney's bitter ended up on it.'
'Then the tannoy announced 'We will shortly be arriving in Luton. Please pick any pockets of other sleeping passengers before you leave, and throw all your litter on the floor. Thank you for letting your small children run up and down the corridors, and we hope your journey wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. We will shortly be arriving in Luton, so I'd stay on the train if I was you.''
'And so the journey was finished', said Chuzzletwit. 'I can hardly believe that after all this time I'm back in England, even though I never left England in the first place, and can hardly believe that the BBC pays for such programmes as this to be made. Oh well, 'Great Dustbins of The Midlands' is on next, followed by 'Great Dog Turds of Barnsley', and 'Great Restaurants For BBC Executives To Spend Their Money In To Have 3 Hour Lunches'.
The TV licence fee rises to £453 next week, to pay for a BBC executive lunch.