Children taught to snort aspartame in kindergarten
Police, according to Captain Uttynien, have traced epic drug use to the teachers at local high schools. They have been using aspartame as a replacement for methylphenidate. ADD is rampant here. Students reportedly have been "thinking outside the bo...
Read full storyRap Group Losers Warn Simon To 'Watch His Back'
Could big trouble be looming for Simon following warnings that he'd better have eyes in da back of his head after the dismissal of rap trio from X Factor? The band, a vocal trio took the audition stage wearing purple gangsta accessories and trying...
Read full storySpoof writer really a fugitive sex slave
OPAWAHAHA, FL (ABSNN) - BuckWheatsButt, 58, the Perlitzer Prize winning, number one journalist, for TheSpoof.com, was arrested and booked into the slam in the Okeechobee County Sheriff's Office Saturday afternoon. He was charged with, and convic...
Read full storyHollywood Stars Suing Cameraman Over Wild Pics
At least a dozen Hollywood actresses and a couple of actors are suing a cameraman by the name of Ellis Pearson for some very unusual photographs he has taken over the past three years. According to sources, a dozen stars or more have signed a cou...
Read full storyGeorge W Bush to take up pig farming in Israel
Former U.S. President George W Bush has confirmed he has bought a 200 acre plot of land in a secret part of Israel down south east. Bush said there should be a good market for pork in the middle east. President Obama said "and to think this jerk...
Read full storyIn The Night Garden faces obscenity charges
BBC management and children's television producers are facing legal difficulties over the popular children's show In The Night Garden. Police became involved after a Professor of Decipherology watched the show with his granddaughter (or so he clai...
Read full storyBurnley Fans To Sober Up Ahead Of Everton Clash
Football fans in the town of Burnley have vowed to get sober before Sunday's Premiership clash with Everton, following a booze fuelled en-masse three day bender after the club defeated Premier League Champions and last year's Champions League finalis...
Read full storyNew Vanessa Hudgens Photos Leaked
LOS ANGELES, CA - As a new batch of highly questionable Vanessa Hudgens photos makes its way around the internets, some savvy web-watchers are questioning if the fresh-faced movie queen might be a man. The problem arose when internet perverts star...
Read full storyObamacare to Insure Democrats Only
WASHINGTON, DC - As the latest version of the hotly-disputed healthcare bill passed the House and made its way to the Senate, Republican lawmakers are up in arms about the latest provision tacked onto the legislation. This latest provision stipula...
Read full storyStudy Shows People Experiencing Urinary Disengagement Towards Obama Health Care Plan
A study conducted by Harvard University Department of Political Science determined that the average American is feeling Urinary disengagement about the proposed Obama Health Care Plan. One man, Dr. Reed Snoot of Cal Tech, said "I must admit that I...
Read full storyBiday vendor including aspartame "freshener" packets
Paris, FRANCE - Beaubidet, maker of French bidet products, was seen stocking shelves with a new product featuring a compartment to add "freshener" powders. Much like a washing machine that has a compartment for soap powder, the new bidet comes with...
Read full storyTaylor Swift and Joe Jonas To Star In Remake of "Coal Miner's Daughter"
HOLLYWOOD - Free Spirited Flamboyant Films has announced that Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas will be starring as Loretta Lynn and Doolittle Lynn in the remake of the 1980 country music film Coal Miner's Daughter which starred Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee J...
Read full storyMel Gibson Due To Explode Any Day Now
Poor Mel Gibson, not only is his new Russian girlfriend leading him around by a nose ring, he even has problems when she's not around. According to California police, a report of an event that happened a week ago has surfaced that shows Mel Gibson...
Read full story15 Least Favorite Candy
15. Turning Twix 14. Wonka's Willy Bar 13. The Three Muskrat Ears 12. Skor No More 11. Knickers 10. Hershey's Blow-You-A-Kiss 9. Anchors I Weigh 8. Uncle Milky's Way 7. Mess Kit Kat 6. Mr. Goodbare 5. Oh Henry, Whattabiggun 4. Baby Pooth 3. Dr. Proct's Buttered Fingers 2. Golden Pimple Nougat 1. I'm In Joy...
Read full storyFDR Crippled by Elevator not Polio
Elevators are a modern convenience. The hassle of using our legs has been replaced by a system of pulleys and cables. It's never been so easy to go up or down. Gone are the days when stairs were the only way to ascend and descend. Indeed, many of us use elevators in our daily lives. We rely on them at work, school and at play. The elevator allows our tired bodies an extra minute in the morning. Th...
Read full storyOn the verge of epidemic
Warm, moist environments have forever attracted fungal growth, and modern households often provide the perfect environments for a variety of unwanted flora. Many fungal infections that afflict humans are prevented by good bacteria that naturally l...
Read full storyFlying Fecal Matter Intersects With Rotating Inclinded Plane
A top team of Professors and Grad Students worked to study the results if the long postulated and proverbial "shit hit the fan." In a double-blind study involving fans and feces from multiple sources and in different weather conditions, the results...
Read full storyTop Twelve Worst Cookbooks
According To Beans & Noble, Their Worst-Selling Cookbooks Of All Time: 12. Even Turds Taste Good With The Right Sauce 11. Chef Snotgurgle's Quickly Made Burgers Using Your Own Armpit 10. Ma Frickle's The Easiest Way To Measure Cathead Biscuits 9. Kirsty Alley's The Bigger Jigger Figure 8. Richard Simmon's Safe Ways To Grill While Naked 7.The French Gourmet's Great Meals Us...
Read full storyTed Kennedy Diagnosed With Cranial-Rectal Inversion
Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy, in treatment at a Boston Hospital for multiple health issues, has been diagnosed with another ailment. Doctors announced today that the brother of the late President JFK has Cranial-Rectal Inversion. When asked if th...
Read full storyRourke's Drift - Revealed
23rd of January 1879 : The battle of Rourke's Drift. A glorious episode in British military history...or was it ? The following are extracts from the diaries of Maj. Gen. Henry Flogem , General Sir Makem White KFC and the records of the Zulu king... King Cetshwayo....These explain what really happened that fateful day and the events leading uo to it. Extract from diary of Major General he...
Read full storyThe Church Times - X Files - (Possession)
Following the death of Michael Jackson a spate of jokes started doing the rounds....some tasteless...some cruel and some downright funny...but one joke in particular opened up another world for the Right Reverend Ivor Newhouse Vicar of Thistle Bottom in Lancashire. The Rt Reverend Newhouse takes up the story. Recently I had watched the commemoration service for Michael Jackson on televisi...
Read full storyNaked Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Entertain Fans Due to Scoreboard Glitch
The Dallas Cowboys officially opened their new home stadium in an NFL preseason game against the Tennessee Titans. This new edifice is a 1.2 billion dollar, fully state-of-the-art facility. The main action, however, was not on the playing field.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Freaking Out
Wednesday night, according to workers at a restaurant deli on Mott Street near Chinatown, Lindsay Lohan was having a meal and, after leaving a tip, left the restaurant. However, no sooner had she gotten outside on the street than she must have not...
Read full storyAfterlife feud between ghosts of Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle and son, Kingsley, to be resolved in a higher court
LONDON (ABSNN) - The ghost of Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle, creator of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, indicated through trance medium and channeller, Squirrelly McLaine, that he wishes "to completely and forever sever his familial ties with his dead son,...
Read full storyHurricane Bill Clinton closes in on Chelsea's Martha's Vineyard wedding
Martha's Vineyard - (Reuterus): Pyongyang hostage blowhard and prospective father of the bride Bill Clinton is hotfooting it to Cape Cod today. Widespread media reports claim that's where Chelsea will marry her Goldman Sachs banker fiance Marc Mez...
Read full storyObama admits he's a one-term President: Limbaugh dies of fecal-apoplexy
NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN)-- President Obama admitted that he is "a one-term President" at a Saturday morning press conference held at All Bull Shit News Network (ABSNN) World Headquarters in Manhattan. Upon hearing the news at his Excellence in Broadc...
Read full story