Kirstie Alley Hated Taking Gym Showers
As a hefty young lady in school gym classes, Kirstie Alley told a friend recently that she hated taking showers afterward. According to the friend, that could easily be one of the causes of Kirstie's constant battle with weight problems much of h...
Read full storyBaseball Batboy Arrested For Growing Anabolic Steroids
DULUTH, Minnesota - When you first look at little 12-year-old Tibbie Stockinette he appears to be just like any other red-blooded American little boy. He has dishwater blonde hair, Colorado sky blue eyes, and nine freckles on his nose. But as the...
Read full storyInbred Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre - Part 2
There is a pregnant silence. A silence broken only by the rumble of thunder. The teens stare at the dead cat with the onion tied to its neck, as it lies inert on the floor. As dead things tend to do. Not surprisingly, the dead cat fails to move. "I wonder what his name was," Fran says in little more than a whisper, utilising a really bad plot device to illustrate the fact that she has a s...
Read full storyDancing with the Stars 2009 line up announced
The much anticipated Dancing with the Stars 2009 line up has been announced. And wow, what a cornucopia of talent and fame this cast list is: Gloria Garcia - who once cleaned for one of the Osmonds and who is close to getting a green card Tom...
Read full storyBlue's Come-Out Tour
It was revealed today that desperate and shit boy band, Blue, will be going on a very special tour. Usually when artists that have decided they've had enough of reality TV and being forgotton about they may write a single that appears to have been...
Read full storyBurnley Embroiled In Relegation Battle Already
With the season only one game old, it appears that relegation favourites Burnley, are living up to their billing following a 2-0 defeat away at Stoke City. Manager, Owen Coyle told us: "It's no looking good. If we cannae scrape a result at Stok...
Read full storyLast Woodstock festival Hippie exits Coma
The last thing Johnny Tripoli remembered was an angel faced flower child handing him a joint. "Here," she said coyly, "try this. It's far out!" Now Johnny has dramatically awakened from a drug induced coma, covered with cow shit and insect bites fro...
Read full storyKathy Griffin Arrested For Illegally Selling Photos of Joan Rivers' Vagina On eBay
MALIBU BEACH, California - California state police have arrested My Life On The D-List reality show star Kathy Griffin on charges that she illegally sold explicit photos of Joan Rivers' vagina (crotch cookie) on eBay. Ms. Griffin of course denied...
Read full storyGeorge Michael claims - "Uri Geller made me do it!"
George Michael, North London's leading Bubble, tonight sensationally revealed that he wasn't alone when he rear ended a man in a commercial vehicle. Our writer notes that George has form for this type of offence with Derek the Van driver on Hampst...
Read full storyRussian ship crew members tell about their ordeal
The crew of the recently found carrier Arctic Sea finally were able to tell the world what happened to the ship and how it disappeared. It was first boarded in Swedish waters by men in masks pretending to be police. It was plausible because everyo...
Read full story"Cash For Codgers." More Obama Health Care Details
(AP)- Washington-Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan. President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this m...
Read full storyRelief for Brit binging bitches, Spanish scientists declare, "boozing beer is good for female bones"!
UK Saturday night female binge drinkers have been given a monster boost to their habits from a most unusual source, Spanish scientists! After intensive testing on old alcoholic "Biddies" in Spain the scientists discovered that ageing "Alco Senorit...
Read full storyCorrupt Mexican border guards to be booted out and replaced by, guess who, banged up "Spic" convicts dressed as soldiers!
The corrupt Mexican government in their wisdom have decided to sack 600 CORRUPT customs and excise officers working on the US / Mexican border and will replace them with 600 "Spic" prisoners banged up in their over - filled and very nasty prisons!...
Read full storyPaula Abdul Offered Job On North Korean Idol
LOS ANGELES - Ex-American Idol judge Paula Abdul stated that she has been offered a job to appear as a judge on North Korean Idol. Ms. Abdul who was fired from American Idol because she wanted $20 million refused to say what North Korean Idol offe...
Read full storyHeather Mills Bares Teeth At Sir Paul McCartney Once Again
Heather Mills, whom everyone knows lost a leg in a motorcycle accident, was recently turned down for a special parking permit in New York City. When questioned, New York officials stated that parking space is very hard to get in New York City, no...
Read full storyBrett Favre Signs With Minnesota Vikings
Brett Favre, who just three weeks ago said that a deal could not be reached and that he was going to stay retired, just signed a contract to play for the Minnesota Vikings. The quarterback, who holds several career records, will now play against his...
Read full storyTiger Woods gets his Ass Whipped Twice at the PGA Championship
"What in the holly rolling golf ball is happening?" said Tiger Woods in the media tent shortly after losing the PGA Tournament, the seasons last major. "I bust my ass all year, every year making this tour a success. Without me the PGA would just...
Read full storyInbred Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre - Part One.
Six teens, three guys, three girls in a camper van. Getting away from it all for the weekend in a remote part of the wild British countryside, where you're rarely more than a twenty minute drive from a fast food outlet. It's dark. There is no moon. The rain is hammering down so hard it's bouncing back up three feet or more in the headlight beams. It's like the monsoon has come to the UK.
Read full storyHeat Seeker Technology 'Whiz'ing Along
A major breakthrough in the medical field was announced today when the media were invited to a British Military Hospital to witness the first ever field test of the Heat Seeking Bed Pan. The Heat Seeking Bed Pan a joint venture between the America...
Read full storyKim Jong Il Commits 'Most Spectacular Suicide Ever'
Pyongyang, NK - Four minutes after a North Korean missile crossed into Japanese airspace, the United States Navy shot down the missile and launched a counterstrike, hitting Pyongyang with a tactical nuclear warhead. Spokesman for the Defense Depar...
Read full storyNew Doomsday Threat: Micro Machines
San Francisco, CA - With nanobots and malevolent artificial intelligence already weighing on their minds, scientists are now warning of a new threat: Micro Machines. Driven to near-extinction in the late 1990's, a resurgence of the scale-model min...
Read full storyFaceboob.web Sues Over Trademark Infringement
Mountain View, CA - Popular internet site Faceboob.web is suing a well-known social networking site for 'having a name suspiciously similar to our company's name'. According to sources, Faceboob founder Eric Titzler has hired a team of legal experts...
Read full storyCash For Cluckers Program Suggested By "Kentucky" Kevin Skinner
MAYFIELD, Kentucky - First there was the Federal Government's Cash for Clunkers program. And now comes the latest Federally mandated program from President Obama, the Cash for Cluckers Program. The president said that he had recently received an e...
Read full storyHeather Locklear, Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie Spotted In NYC With Billy Bunter
Brit socialite and former Greyfriars student, Billy Bunter has proved once and for all last night that he doesn't just hit the town with teen queens. He was spotted last night in Manhattan with Locklear, Aniston, and Jolie hanging on his every word.
Read full storyNicole Sherzinger Rules Pussycat Dolls With Fist Of Iron
Inside observers are claiming that popular wailing and warbling troupe The Pussycat Dolls are teetering on the brink of an all out internal war, because of Nicole Sherzinger's almost absolute control over the outfit. Some feel that Sherzinger is g...
Read full storySenator Jim Webb & The Burmese Junta
No sooner did Bill Clinton gain the release of those two women in North Korea, Sen. Jim Webb accomplishes the same thing in Myanmar. So, what did the Senator say to gain the Myanmar junta's trust? 1) Wanna see my Francisco Franco tat? 2) I didn't really vote for Obama. I just said I did. 3) Anybody says, "Burma," and I'll spit in his eye! 4) Tonto? He's w...
Read full storyKiller pigs are at it again!
As if Pigs aren't getting enough of a bad rep at the moment, along comes science to bad mouth Billy Bear and all things meaty. New findings by the "world cancer research foundation" have been announced linking eating processed meat such as ham and...
Read full storySeven car pile up on the A30 near Okehampton caused by bear (?) 12 Girl Guides injured
OKEHAMPTON, Devon - Twelve tourists, all Girl Guides from Prestwick, were injured, three seriously enough to require hospitalization, in a seven car pile up on the Westbound A30, late Sunday afternoon. Nine others were treated, and released, at the...
Read full storyMan Dies of Boredom at Work
A 32 year old male office worker died today after overdosing on Excel spreadsheets. The dead man's boss had earlier warned his employee "I tried to stop him, I really did. He started off small, inserting columns and deleting rows. But then he learnt...
Read full storyGovernment plan Conscription into Salvation Army
British teens aged between 16-18 will be called up for 12 months service in the Salvation Army from August 2010. The controversial scheme is designed to beat yob culture and decrease Britain's soaring obesity rate. Field Marshall Eric Guthrie, le...
Read full storyMan City bid to buy Great Britain
The club believed to be the richest football club in the world today announced plans to purchase the UK. A bid of GBP12.50 is thought to have been tabled to the Queen, the current owner. However it is believed that she is holding out for GBP15 and a...
Read full storySpice Girls Return.. Again.. With the same music.. Again
American Idol creator and Victoria Beckham manager, Simon Fuller has just let leak the idea of ANOTHER Spice Girls Reunion. The Spice Girls reunited in 2007/2008 for a massive world tour that ranked #1 around the world destroying acts like Miley C...
Read full storyWilliam Golding admits original "Lord of the Flies" was a teen porno movie
In a frank (yep, it's that man frank again!) interview with the News of the Sun, where the journalists ask a series of embarrassing questions aimed at eliciting a juicy response in order to sell more newspapers, author, the late William Golding, has...
Read full story2012 brought forward
In a packed news conference, today, a spokesman for the 'Illuminati' said, that it's members are extremely disappointed in the public's perception of them. He stated, that at no time had the 'Illuminati tried to hide their aim of world domination nor...
Read full storyFreddie's A Twat: Watson
London, England: As the tension mounts ahead of the fifth and final Ashes test Australian all-rounder Shane Watson has added spice to what is already sure to be a hard-fought encounter. Prior to the fourth test Watson boldly claimed that Aussie sp...
Read full storyGov. Schwarzenegger Lays Off The Entire California National Guard
BEVERLY HILLS, California - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger visiting some old friends in Beverly Hills held a news conference at the Celluloid Queen Hotel. He informed the assembled media that due to the mounting expenses as well as the $26 billion...
Read full storyPresident Obama To Attend Seance?
President Obama apologized to a group of campers in the desert near Taos, New Mexico as he had given the U.S. Air Force the OK in planning bombing raids in that area as they used several huge cactus plants as terrorists. "It scared me shitless",...
Read full storySurvey Proves That Businesses Prefer College Bums To Self-Made Hard Workers
The Council Of Advancing Public Education has released its annual 'Survey Of General Hiring Trends In U.S. And European Companies' again finding that businesses and government agencies in general would prefer to hire drunk-assed college graduates tha...
Read full storyJoan Rivers, 67, Gets A Tramp Stamp Tattoo
BROOKLYN - The undisputed 'Queen of Comedy' (just ask her) Joan Rivers has done what Las Vegas odds-makers bet 10 to 1 she would never do. "Collagen" Joan has gotten herself a 'tramp stamp' tattoo. The four inch tall tattoo is a caricature of a Je...
Read full story