A major breakthrough in the medical field was announced today when the media were invited to a British Military Hospital to witness the first ever field test of the Heat Seeking Bed Pan.
The Heat Seeking Bed Pan a joint venture between the American technology firms..'Stinger Missiles Inc.' and the British Government was unveiled amidst much publicity by it's designer Colonel Gun Ho.
The volunteer patient, a soldier, who had been admitted with stomach pains following a bad vindaloo curry and had been prescribed enemas, was placed in the holding bed.
The bed pan was loaded into it's launcher in the base station, approx twenty feet from the patients bed. where it remained in stealth mode... a sensor was then inserted into the patient's rectum. The sensor which detects P.B.M.F. (Pre bowel movement flatulence) was activated within a couple of minutes of its insertion.
The sensor s activation then triggered the laser guidance system on the launcher....the heat of the fired laser beam caused the patient to arch his back...allowing the laser to acquire its target..and also creating space for the bedpan to slide underneath.
With the target acquired the launcher automatically fired the bed pan (unravelling directional guidance wires as it went)...the bedpan was in situ and ready for use within 1.25 seconds
After a period of three minutes to allow nature to take its course..a delayed action timer activated a pulley system in the launcher...this then began to retract the directional guidance wires still attached to the bed pan the purpose of this was to redeploy the bed pan to its launcher ready for reuse. As the tension on the guidance wires increased a small stainless steel rod, with a wet sponge on the end , lifted up from under the bedpans rim... the idea being that as the bedpan was dragged back the wet sponge would make contact with the patients anus...effectively wiping their bottom.
Up till then the field tests had been going well...however it is thought that the patients cheeks settling on the bedpan had created a an air tight seal not allowing the the combustible vapours of the vindaloo to disperse and creating a build up static electricity ...its also thought that the wet sponge touching the patients anus the completed a circuit which generated a spark igniting the volatile mixture in the bedpan, which resulted in the explosion.
Colonel Ho said the results were unfortunate but he still believed there was a market for the heat seeking bed pan in the private sector...where he could envisage employees able to take toilet breaks without leaving their work stations. And in the leisure industry..a remote control version for those that wanted to watch a T.V.programme all the way through..and that .there were even plans for an underwater model for those that couldn't be bothered to get out of the bath
Colonel Ho stated.."I have a dream... and I will not let it end on a bum note"
As a footnote ...The volunteer patient was uninjured and is recovering well in wards 3 and 7