Landfill Dating to 1500 BC Discovered on Shetland Isles:Conclusion-We Haven't Progressed Worth a Shit!
Smithsonian Institute/ Archeological Times - Archeological scholars are astounded with the recent find on the Shetland Isles of a 300' high Landfill dating back thousands of years. The good news is that the site has never before been disturbed. The...
Read full storyLetter to Mr Bradford & Mr Bingley
Bradford & Bingley Building Society London Dear Sirs, In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly... If one of my cheques is returned marked 'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you? Yours Sincerely, Mr I. Seine...
Read full storyMcCartney Doesn't Live In Yesterday
Today Sir Paul McCartney claimed again that he wasn't living in the past. 'Not a second time!', he said, 'let it be. I feel fine, and your mother should know that all I've got to do, when I'm sixty-four, is don't ever change', though he's actually si...
Read full storyHillary Rejects Reported Secretary of State Offer
(Washington, DC) - Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) flatly ruled herself out as secretary of state in a Barack Obama administration. The perpetually pants-suited legislator frankly admitted she is far too corrupt and dishonest to fill such an honorable...
Read full storyTV Pitchman silenced
Extremely annoying TV Pitchman Billy Mays was caught up in a prank last night. Two area boys, 16-year-old Terry Little and his friend Jason Large, 28 jumped the loud-mouthed adman as he left the St. Petersburg, Florida, headquarters of the Home Shop...
Read full storyBank pays cleaner £12m bonus
London - a large international bank has paid one of its best cleaners a £12m bonus this year. The cleaner who wishes to remain anonymous has been given the huge city bonus following years of delivering exceptional performance. Following a recent r...
Read full storyI borrowed my way out of debt!
Gordon Brown today announced that the common belief that "two wrongs do not make a right" is actually false. The UK has plunged itself into a debt fuelled recession following years of increasing personal debt. Many of the UK's problems were cause...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus tells Zac Efron to get his cock circumcised before she allows him to see her tits
Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has issued an ultimatum to High School Musical actor Zac Efron: get you cock circumcised before I let it anywhere near my tits. Efron owns a cockerel that likes nothing better than waking him at dawn break every mo...
Read full storyNew Microsoft Windows 7 escapes
The new version of Microsoft Windows, Windows 7, has escaped rather than waiting to be voluntarily released by the company. The new Windows, which has been devised solely to part frustrated Windows users from their money, is actually just Vista wi...
Read full storyDoctors Sick and Tired of their Jobs
London, England & New London, Connecticut - Recent studies conducted in the US and UK have found that American and British doctors share one thing in common: they hate their jobs. Both American and British primary care physicians report in ove...
Read full storyUK Police waiting to take sides
In what has been described as a "bold move" the Chief of the Metropolitan Police has called all his men off the streets and back to their stations until further notice. Sir Ian Blair explained, "My men, policing practices and policies are complet...
Read full storyKursk-like Russian submarine behind Somali oil tanker highjack says CIA
Langley, Va - (AssoCIAted Mess): The President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) CIA sources say that the Somali highjackers of the Sirius Star Saudi oil tanker may have accessed the vessel from a Russian Oscar-II nuclear cruise missi...
Read full storyBeyonce's Booty Missing in Australian Bush
According to latest reports from the land down-under, police and local bush men are in the process of scouring the scrub in search of Beyonce's booty. Beyonce had decided to take a sabbatical and camp out with Jay-Z after a hard days filming as N...
Read full storyAdrian Lester tipped for Obama Primary Colors biopic sequel role
Los Angeles - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Primary Colors actor Adrian Lester is being tipped for the starring role of a born-again Henry Burton in a biopic about Barack Obama's stellar rise to fame. Hollywood sources are agog with rumors that Obam...
Read full storyCellophane Winter Fashions Hot on Catwalk
Sweeping the fashion industry by storm and featured in three of the last five winter fashion shows, clear Cellophane is making a huge splash with designers as they rush to capitalize on the hype surrounding the design trend. Featuring most of th...
Read full storyBill Clinton Renounces Citizenship/Accepts QE2 as Dubai Gift/Clears Way for Hillary Appointment to Hussein Cabinet!
Dubai/ Palm Island News - Bill Clinton made it official today, confirming what has been known for the past 8 years: He is a paid government agent for Dubai. The announcement was made at a ceremony where the former President officially accepted the g...
Read full storyAfrican Union hails Obama as the new Horn of Africa
Dar Es Salaam - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): African Union CEO Jakaya Mrisho Kikwete has hailed Barack Obama as the new Horn of Africa after photos of the US President-Elect showering with Kenyan schooldays chums were posted on the internet. Obama,...
Read full storySirius Star highjackers in Mad-a-Gas-Car stand off with Chevron's Altair Voyager
Indian Ocean - (Astrological Mess): Somali highjackers of the Liberian-registered Sirius Star oil carrier were in a tense stand off today with Chevron Oil's fabled Altair Voyager tanker near the gas-guzzling African state of Mad-a-Gas-Car. The inc...
Read full storyPirates seize boat off Salford Quays in Greater Manchester
Pirates have boarded and seized a boat in the dock harbour in Salford, Greater Manchester. The three pirates, Jezza, MC Dipstick and The Buzzcoq, all from the uptown, downmarket Moss Side suburb of Manchester and heavily armed with knives, guns, t...
Read full storyFabio Capello 'Happy' With Steven Gerrard And Frank Lampard Withdrawals
England football manager Fabio Capello is not angry with clubs over the loss of key players for Wednesday's friendly match with Germany, claims the Football Association. Capello has had to change his plans after Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard we...
Read full storyMichigan Legalizes Prostitution
In a bold attempt to jump start the Michigan economy, chief Madam, Governor Jennifer Granholm has thrust a new proposal into congress suggestively guiding the legislative body towards the legalization of prostitution. Entering it quickly in the hal...
Read full storyPirates Capture Saudi Oil Tanker
Somali pirates, led by Captain Long John O'dinga, have seized a giant Saudi-owned oil tanker in the Indian Ocean and are steering it towards their Eyl port base, according to the latest online Daily Shitraker news reports. The ship's cargo of light c...
Read full storyBill worries Hillary and Barack
Now that Hillary Clinton has been "tapped" by Obama cronies to be his Secretary of State, concerns about the nomination are being raised with regard to her hubby, Bill. Since the end of his Presidency, Bill Clinton has carved out a path to immortali...
Read full storyEngland and Australia prepare
In preparation for the "Ashes" next year, which will decide whether England or Australia are second-best to the Indians, Ricky Ponting's bowlers have come up with a new strategy. They are practising carrying players off the field in case they cannot...
Read full storyMissing War Criminal Lord Blair Spotted in Sainsburys
Lord Blair the wanted War Criminal who mysteriously disappeared in June 2007 has been spotted in a Sainsburys supermarket in Scunthorpe. A member of the public, Mrs Edith Vole reported seeing the elusive Lord in a Sainsburys store. The eagle ey...
Read full storyCliches: hated or loved?
At the end of the day clichés are in use 24/7 literally across the world. Businesses that want to think outside the box love to hate them, and leverage them into as many aspects of day to day running. At this moment in time, it boggles the mind how overused they are. There isn't a business consultant worth his salt that doesn't have an extensive repertoire of business orientated clichés, whilst...
Read full storyBald Rioters attack government office
BEIJING Stockholm - A large crowd of about 6 people attacked an office in west China, smashing cars and beating officials in a riot sparked by hair loss, the government said on Tuesday. A group of more than 7 people seeking redress for the loss of...
Read full storySuicide Virgins not what they seem
In Israel today Ahmed Al Mahed was resuscitated after a suicide bomb attack in Jerusalem and questioned by police. He had some dramatic news for other would-be suicide bombers. After the bombing, Al Mahed was clinically dead for ten minutes before...
Read full storyAspartame Proven Safe for Rats
LONDON, England - Scientists today published a new study proving that aspartame is safe for rats. This study, which took 15 years of work by a team of 115 scientists in 20 countrys proves once and for all that aspartame is perfectly safe for rats.
Read full storyJustin Trousersnake sued
NEW Deli - Porn star Justin Trousersnake's New Deli sex club has cheated staff out of proper pay, according to a lawsuit filed on Friday. A prostitute who worked at the sex club for a year from 8.30pm until the next morning filed the suit on beha...
Read full storyUS stocks fall even as brokerage firms issue kill tags and consider death for use of the word "recession"
US stocks dropped across the board Monday after a US banking giant announced a massive Wall Street cull with a record 250,000 broker 'kill' permits issued amid concerns of a deepening you-know-what. The firm said that it hoped to eliminate about...
Read full storyObama and McCain Bleach Each Other
Less than three weeks ago, on election night, John McCain pledged to "Do all in my power to help [Barack Obama] bleach his anus." On Monday, McCain went to Chicago to discuss ways he can fulfil that promise in a private meeting with the President...
Read full storyPresident Bush To Pardon John McCain
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Justice Department has received over 500 requests for pardons and commutations from convicted felons hoping for clemency before President Bush leaves office. The requests run the gamut from olympic sprinter Mar...
Read full storyAngelina-Jolie suffers an emotional breakdown in public after U.N. asks her to use birth control
New York, New York - Angelina-Jolie suffered an emotional breakdown at a press conference while promoting her new movie, "The Changeling" today. Just moments before, backstage, she had just been handed a personal communiqué from the U.N. Secretar...
Read full storyHalf White President Elect Half Rejects KKK Endorsement
Barack Obama half hoping to be the reuniter at which half ass Bush failed miserably, has given a partial acceptance to the racist KKK's acknowledgment that Obama is half white. Always the optimist, Obama said that you had to be half hopeful that...
Read full storyThe Amy Winehouse Story, Joanna Lumley stars!
In a cruel attempt to cash in on the spiralling decline of Amy Winehouse, the aged writers of the cult spoof documentary, "Spinal Tap" are set to make a mockumentary based on Winehouse's short and erratic life. The production team confirmed that A...
Read full storyUtah Tars and Feather Boas Gay Monument in Little League Left Field
As the Supremes try to dissect and delineate the 99 quasi-religious monuments sent to thew monument park in Utah, new developments have erupted on the scene of so many gay and anti-gay erections. One obelisk entitled Nailin Palin Totem and Taboo...
Read full storyHundred Loose Ladies with HIV Cut First Album to Raise $ for AIDS Drugs!
Hundred Loose Ladies latest album was climbing the UK charts after press releases revealed that the girls were those very same chagrined chicks who had caught the HIVA from hoein' 'round with man hoes. Looselipped Lucy Luscious, lead singer and m...
Read full storyObama vows to 'make work' for McCain, possibly as Senatorial shoe-shine boy
US President-elect Barack Obama and his former rival US President-non-elect John McCain have vowed to work hard in a "new bipartisan era of redecorating" to restore trust in government by skillful use of smoke, mirrors and strategically placed ferns.
Read full storyUS Presidential Recount Because of Illegal Zombie Votes
Once again a certain U.S. Presidential election recount has been demanded by You-Know-Who and his band of far right Republican toadies again because they believe that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote. Apparently in their over-exuberance t…
Read full storyBill could cost Hillary her Waxing post
Sen. Hillary Clinton gave President-elect Barack Obama's his first brazilian bikini wax today. But his aides are becoming exasperated by the Clinton camp's demands that each pubic hair be individually plucked by former President Bill Clinton. The...
Read full storyFrogs Know Lottery Numbers
Some say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but can it be too early? Apparently not, if the behavior of wood frogs is any indication. Those amphibians can learn to identify winning lottery numbers while still in the egg, according to new researc...
Read full storyWelsh Team to Counter Haka with Charlotte Church!
The Welsh team plan to counter the All Blacks Haka with Charlotte Church in the upcoming Test Match at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff. Welsh Team Manager Taff Thomas said that in the light of recent pre-match shenanigans including the Irish Riv...
Read full storyLarge Hadron Collider to save world if it doesn't destroy it
Scientists in Cern (Switzerland) have said that the Large Hadron Collider - LHC for short - may take at least 6 months to repair after it blew a gasket in October. However they are fully committed to restarting the experiments, which are hoped to re...
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