In what has been described as a "bold move" the Chief of the Metropolitan Police has called all his men off the streets and back to their stations until further notice.
Sir Ian Blair explained, "My men, policing practices and policies are completely inadequate to deal with today's spotty, vile, disgusting knife wielding Hoodies who roam our neighborhoods and parks". Said Blair as he sat in his recliner back at the station.
He went on, "These petty criminals will have to sort themselves out, along with the binge drinking sluts who, on most nights, can be found at closing time semi comatose and prostrate on urine soaked sidewalks, their legs spread-eagled, panty less, covered in their own vomit and clutching an imported long neck beer in one hand and a used Extra Large Super Lubricated Black Mambo condom in the other. If these disgusting individuals win the fight against the descent hard working, tax paying citizen, which I think they will, we will come back out on the streets and take care of any opposition to the new rule of law, that is, no rule of law".
Asked to comment on the announcement, Prime Minister Brown said, "Och ay I fully understand the Chief's frustration, we are all in the same boat the nou. I mean most of us in government are a complete bunch of meaningless spineless gormless impotent tossers who couldn't find a cock under a kilt but we have found that the easiest route for everything is to do nothing at all and anyway, these little bastards have rights you know?"
At which point the Prime Minister explained he was needed in Parliament for a vote on a 100% increase in Ministers' pay; a vote that was expected to pass unopposed.
Wickham Chase, Staff Reporter
