Secret Memo: US Economy in Dire Straits
Wary consumers nearly barfed yesterday, when the mainstream media reported that an uptick in the DOW was the result of investor optimism, resulting from reports of increased earnings from WalMart and Costco.
Read full storyOMFG! Dad's drunk, Mom psychotic and my wedding dress covered in puke!
Crawford, Texas - (Shotgun Wedding Mess): "Some asshole's gone and barfed on my ten grand Oscar de la Renta wedding gown!"...
Read full storyGuns 'N Roses to perform songs from Chinese Democracy Album at Olympics
Grizzled rock group Guns 'N Roses are to perform songs from their much anticipated Chinese Democracy album at this years Olympic Games in Beijing, China.
Read full storyWinehouse Admits Causing Burma Catastrophe
Acknowledging that she went on "one hell of a rampage," embattled pop star Amy Winehouse said yesterday that she was "primarily responsible" for the devastating damage afflicting Burma's coastal region.
Read full storyPope has hundreds of sex slaves bricked up in Catacombs network under Vatican Fritzl tells police
Amstetten - (Sordid Mess): Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl has entered a plea bargain saying that his brother the Pope is holding hundreds of sex slaves in the Catacombs under the Vatican.
Read full storyHellfire Club plot to oust Gorgon Brown and slip in Ken Livingstone as PM
London - (Ass Mess): Ken Livingstone is being backed by a Hellfire Club cabal to stand for Parliament and challenge Gorgon Brown for the job of Prime Monster.
Read full storyThe elephant finally leaves the room
The elephant that has been in the room for some time has now left, after being successfully coaxed out by trained elephant tamers. So ends a decade of overused metaphor creating a problem for management consultants, conservationists and interior desi...
Read full storyAnt & Dec to Split!
Ant and Dec are to sensationally quit their famous 'double act' after they became increasingly frustrated that in a recent poll, 88% of the general public still did not know who was Ant and who was Dec.
Read full storyMass Book Burning By Burning Bush
In a shock move, George H. Bush announced that millions of books and newspapers were going to be burnt across America today, to root out what he called 'socialism and democracy and fairness.'...
Read full storyPenis of Hillary Clinton Goes On World Tour
Hillary Clinton decided that if she isn't going to win the Presidency (Dictatorship) of the USA she will cut off "little Hill" and send it around the world on tour.
Read full storyBush-Hager Wedding in Crawford Texas
Smarmy young republican butt-suck Henry Hager should be careful what he wishes for. Now he's shackled to druken sex-crazed skank Jenna Bush. Maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time. Hell, it beats going over to the war, something no elite sc...
Read full storyBloom to star in "Balamory: The Movie!"
What's the story in Balamory? We'll tell you and then you'll know! It seems that Hollywood actor, Orlando Bloom, has accepted a role in the new big screen adaptation of children's programme, Balamory.
Read full storyBritish Deny Speaking With Elgin Marbles In Their Mouths
Centuries after British eccentric Lord Elgin removed the 'Elgin Marbles' from the Parthenon in Athens, Greeks finally noticed they were missing seven years ago. But then almost overnight a hysterical and retrospective industry began, demanding for th...
Read full storyBank Targets Thrifty Savers
Fifth State Bank, NA, will promote increased business by offering a mortgage contract to any customer who opens a new savings account with USD $1,500 or a current customer who adds $1,000 to an existing account. To reward thrifty habits, the bank wi...
Read full storyMan charged with shouting a bit loudly
A pensioner has been charged with shouting a bit loudly at his wife, in Ballahuilish, in the north west Highlands of Scotland.
Read full storyMan refuses to leave his Mothers Womb
35 year old Barry Jennings, from Manchester, England has refused to come out of his mothers womb despite repeated attempts by family, friends, neighbors and medical professionals.
Read full storyBritish Satirists To Be Regulated
In a surprise move, the Labour Government in Britain is to rush new emergency laws through Parliament, to regulate the United Kingdom's satirists.
Read full storyBarack Obama has 'better teeth' than Hillary Clinton
In a surprising intellectual twist to the complex American Presidential election, an orthadontist has come forward with the shock claim that Barack Obama has 'better teeth than Mrs. Clinton.'...
Read full storyMen's mag tempts Miley with $5 million centerfold
Los Angeles, California - (Bare Ass Mess): A record breaking five million dollar contract has been signed in secret between a men's magazine and Hannah Montana starlet Miley Cyrus.
Read full storyCherie Blair to sell more secrets
"I know where Shergar is and I know what happened to Lord Lucan. How much?" she asked our reporter.
Read full storyBlair 'secretly advising her husband'
Cherie Blair, nee Booth, is giving advice to her husband, Anthony Hasbeen, so she said in this contrived interview.
Read full storyVatican Gives German Online Boost
The Roman Catholic Church has given the ancient German tongue a boost by launching a website in Deutsche.
Read full storyPentagon Stops Cremating Soldiers in Pet Crematoria
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The Pentagon has announced that it will immediately stop cremating slain US soldiers in pet crematoria.
Read full storyBurma Elections: Low Turnout Reported
Officials in Burma commenting on the country's current constitutional referendum being held today, have said that turnout figures have been "exceedingly low".
Read full storyAl Qaeda launches farting jihad against west
London, UK - A message from Osama Bin Laden was broadcast by the El Jazeera network today that carried renewed threats against the west.
Read full storyProctologists Probe Reasons for Being Stuck in the Rear of Medical Specialities
On the ever shifting moonscape of medical specialities, the proctologist has consistently found themselves coming up the rear. A new insertive action committee of assmen and asswomen has been fighting to improve the public perception and the professi...
Read full storyThe Missing Schiller Stiff is Good for Weimar Business
For two hundred years, literature lovers, German majors, archaeologists and grave robbers have been searching for the true dead body of Friedrich Schiller.
Read full storyCongress Investigates Mine Collapse in Midst of National Cave In
The US Congress that hasn't lifted a finger to halt the cataclysm of national economic disasters has decided to investigate a mine collapse in Huntington, Utah.
Read full storyPrivate Investment Firms: NYC New Slum Lords!
The real estate crisis caused by Bush administration Lazy Unfaire deregulated capitalist practices has given rise to a new breed of urban vermin.
Read full storyHillary has a plan to allow Obama to become President!
Romney, WV - Today, Hillary Clinton stated her plan to allow Barack Obama to become the Democratic nominee and quite possibly, the next President of the United States.
Read full storyTV Weatherman Fired for High-Fiving Colleague Celebrating Deadly Tornado Outbreak
Little Rock, Arkansas -- TV weather forecaster and enthusiast Howey Carroll of Little Rock's KFUJ Channel 8 was fired yesterday for his unabashed, on-the-air celebration of the state's deadly tornado outbreak earlier this week.
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