Bank Targets Thrifty Savers

Written by Walt

Saturday, 10 May 2008

image for Bank Targets Thrifty Savers
"They loaned $100,000 on that????"

Fifth State Bank, NA, will promote increased business by offering a mortgage contract to any customer who opens a new savings account with USD $1,500 or a current customer who adds $1,000 to an existing account. To reward thrifty habits, the bank will simply sign over a sub-prime mortgage to the savings account holder. Whatever payments may come in will be deposited in the savings account.

If the borrower defaults, the "thrifty saver" will have the option to foreclose & take over the property, or file for a cash bailout with Ben Bernanke's $200 billion Federal Reserve Board "failed lenders" rescue program. The Fifth State plan works for the Fed because they can pick up individual failed mortgages one at a time, instead of having to take over multi-million dollar "packages" that may contain some failed & some performing loans.

V-P Marketing for Fifth State claims that this is a win-win for the bank & the thrifty savers. The bank gets the under-performing, over-valued mortgages out of their sorry credit portfolio & each savings account holder has the opportunity to earn a few random payments, here & there, as well as re-coup the balance from a Federal give-away program. The head of an almost defunct Wall Street investment bank labelled this approach "sheer genius," and "on the order of raising credit card interest rates to 41 percent for customers who forget to pay a parking ticket on time."

When El Jefe de la Nord Jorge Arbusto, Bu$h xliii, was asked about the program, he grinned & pointed out "My people, supporters of Bu$hInc and our glorious economy for the haves and the have mores, certainly don't have mortgages."

Returning a "number not available" phone call from his undisclosed location, Buckshot Cheney said, "Saint Ronald of Raygun proved that deficits don't matter. So whether some bank owes $400 billion to the oil sheiks and the Chinese government, or some schmuck with a savings account happens to hold $400 thousand in worthless paper on a $200 thousand clap-trap house is irrelevant. As long as the money is owed--and nobody in the USofA intends to pay off--it's game, set, match for the world economy. Now go Cheney yourself, ya' silly snitch."

The CEO of Fifth State issued a memo: "This new program offering a worthless mortgage for new thrift savings dollars is a brilliant way to shift our senseless speculative gambling to the customers in a direct, forthright program. Their accounts were always at risk for our foolish lending practices anyway, so this makes it up-front and personal. I am so proud of you. Bankers rule!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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