Pentagon Stops Cremating Soldiers in Pet Crematoria

Written by Felix Minderbinder

Saturday, 10 May 2008

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Cremated with troops?

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The Pentagon has announced that it will immediately stop cremating slain US soldiers in pet crematoria.

Pentagon spokesman General "Bull" Buntline made the statement soon after it was revealed that a soldier had been cremated along with a pet dog, a cat and an iguana.

"There is no mission more important than the dignified return of our fallen heroes to our families," said Buntline after the embarrassing revelation.

The crematorium in question was used by the mortuary at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware, where the bodies of troops killed in Iraq, Afghanistan and other overseas locations are returned, he added.

Also, no longer will their ashes be buried in pet cemetaries, Buntline stated.

Pentagon officials said the issue came to light after a soldier who works at the Pentagon attended the cremation of a comrade killed in combat and was alarmed about the crematorium. The crematorium is in an industrial area and has a sign advertising that it also cremates pets.

Buntline indicated that it "was insensitive" to cremate the bodies of troops with pets in a commercial incinerator.

He added that "it was not true at all" that army rations in Iraq were being supplied by Ralston Purina (the maker of Alpo) and other dog food companies.

But the general did indicate that the Pentagon was now offering 100,000 tons of food stocks for sale "suitable for dogs, cats, and other creatures."

Buntline also denied an allegation that many army medics were in fact veterinarians.

--Copyright Felix Minderbinder Live Wire

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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