Woolworths '100% Off Sale' Causes Mayhem In Brixton
There was chaos in Brixton this morning as the Woolworths closing down sale got under way, when goods offered with a 100% reduction became the target for bargain-hungry shoppers. Several people were hurt as some customers barged their way towards...
Read full story80-Year-Old Gets Birthday Card From Former Teacher
Robart Anderson of New Ulm, Minnesota turned 80 recently and with his birthday came quite a surprise. He got a birthday card signed by Colletta Harding. She was his teacher - 70 years ago. He says he was very, very surprised. Here's how it happene...
Read full storyPrisoner Escapes From Jail In Christmas Card
A prisoner has escaped from a Northumberland jail by secreting himself inside a Christmas card he was sending to his wife, it has been reported. The man, Wendell Cripes, 29, was six months into a 9-year sentence for armed robbery, when he disappea...
Read full storyED-Bail Out Befuddles Congress; 'Swing' Culture on the Rise
Coming off last Spring's attempt to prolong the working careers of the 'Baby Boomer' generation, members of Congress have had their heads hanging. The end of the massive 'Baby Boomer' working career is nearing. Giving heed to the slowing market, d...
Read full storyMan Cuts Himself To Get Ex-Friend In Trouble
Bill Pharris, a young man who told San Clemente, California police he was jumped and attacked with a knife apparently made up the story in an effort to get an ex-friend in trouble. Lt. Ted Boyne said a 19-year man was arrested Thursday afternoon...
Read full storyNatalie Holloway Found Under Greta Van Susteren's Desk!
Texas teen Natalie Holloway was recovering last night after emerging from under the desk of On The Record host Greta Van Susteren where she has been held captive for the last three years. Holloway, whose disappearance has been the subject of a rel...
Read full storyX Factor Final: Shock Guest Revealed
X Factor fans are stunned at the announcement that Jesus Christ is to make a guest appearance on Saturday's final show. Christ is understood to have sought assurances that he will not be overshadowed by Simon Cowell, and after lengthy negotiations...
Read full storyTown Official Wants Bikini Clad Poster Removed From Surf Shop
A New Jersey councilwoman is up in arms over a poster of bikini-clad women wearing Aussie Dogs boots displayed in surf shop window because of its location in the historic section of downtown Tuckerton. Liz Moritz told the owners at a Landmarks Co...
Read full storyWoolworths Goes Out Of Business, Thanks To TARDIS Failure
Woolworths, Britain's 1960s theme shop, went out of business today, as accountants switched off its TARDIS. The time machine had kept the chain of stores permanently stuck in 1965, but now it was time for its staff to face up to life in 2008. Shop...
Read full storyScientists Find Howard Stern's Penis to be Smallest Unit on Earth
ENGLAND - In breaking news that is shaking the science world, scientists at Bourge' Laboratory located just outside Liverpool have discovered that the smallest unit of matter on Earth is not the atom which has been known to be the smallest unit on Ea...
Read full storyScientists give up on idea of teaching Fish to Smoke Pipes
A 5-year scientific study involving 62 countries has been scrapped after the head of the research team announced that teaching fish to smoke pipes is pretty pointless. Up to 150 scientists and researchers - at a cost of over $40 million - attempte...
Read full storyMan with Worlds Hairiest Balls says he sweats too much in hot climates
Johnny Crown, the man with the Worlds Hairiest testicles, says he gets incredibly sweaty when visiting hot climates. "I get so hot and sticky. My balls really start itching like crazy. I just need to jump into a cold shower to cool off", moaned Jo...
Read full storyNeil Armstrong did a Sh*t on the Moon. Still preserved for posterity, says Buzz Aldren
1969 was a seminal year for astronaut Buzz Aldren and it also marked the first sh*t on the moon - and not just Aldren himself touching down on lunar soil. Space legend Neil Armstrong crapped a large load of brown 'Earth treasure' to christens humanit...
Read full storyBBC incurs the wrath of the Celts in subtitle row
The Beeb have been accused of racism by the Scotch and Taffies. A leaked (leeked for the Taffs) document published by the English BBC has shown that all sport interviews with the lesser British Nations will be subtitled as their minority accents a...
Read full storyComedy Central to Premiere "Win Ben Stein's I.O.U."
Actor and financial enthusiast Ben Stein will star in a reincarnation of his old show which was called "Win Ben Stein's Money" and which ran from the late 1990s to 2002. This show, a scaled down version, will feature more in the way of witty banter a...
Read full storyFeds catch Prince Jefri Archer 'hiding in Roswell UFO hangar'
Roswell, Nevada - (X-Files Mess): Brunei's top fugitive mobster Prince Jefri Archer has been caught by Federal Agents hiding inside a disused Groom Lake UFO hangar. Jefri, 69, was tracked down by the FBI's Operation Landslide division after inter...
Read full storyEuthanasia Available In Glasgow At £250 A Pop
Given the recent controversy over assisted suicides in Switzerland, we sent an undercover team out to find out if there were similar facilities available in the UK - but cheaper. A dodgy geezer from Salford gave us a Glasgow address and informed u...
Read full storyEntire state of Illinois collectively denies wrongdoing
In response to a flurry of allegations of suspected misbehavior, the entire state of Illinois has reportedly denied involvement in "any wrongdoing whatsoever" and maintain their collective innocence, in spite of an ongoing federal investigation targe...
Read full storyThe Paris Hilton - Katie Couric Blonde Catfight
BEVERLY HILLS, California - Paris Hilton, the left coast personality who is famous for being infamous has just finished taping an exclusive one-on-one interview with Katie Couric. The interview will be telecast on Christmas Eve. In the exclusive interview Paris reveals that she desperately wants to fill Hillary Clinton's New York senate seat. When Katie asked her why, Paris replied, "Becaus...
Read full storyPartial Transcript Of O.J. Trial
The following is a partial transcript of the recent O.J. Simpson trial. We offer no comments. (O.J.'s Girlfriend on the stand) "Is O.J. dumb?" "No, your Honoress. He got away with murder didn't he?" "Objection, your Honor." "Sustained." "So you're sweet on O.J.?" "Objection your Honor." "Objection sustained. You might rephrase that counselor." "Are you in love with O.J.?...
Read full storyGovernor Blagojevich Was Indiscreet, Maybe
Unless Governor Blagojevich of Illinois has a Swiss bank account or an account in the Grand Cayman Islands, proving the Governor took some bleeping money, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald doesn't have much of a case against Blago except for using bad language over the telephone and maintaining a disastrous, Moe Howard, (Three Stooges) hairdo. Guys over ten should not wear bangs. After ten,...
Read full storyCliff Richard Keeping Schtum. No New Revelations Here.
The so-called self-styled self parodying Peter Pan of pop, Sir Cliff Richard told Spoof reporters about four days ago (we don't remember exactly as we were a bit bladdered at the time. All the time come to think of it. Ban Happy Hours and cheap supermarket beer, that's what we -hic - say) Where were we? Oh yes. Anyway, Sir Cliff told us that it tickled him pink that his sexuality had been...
Read full storyGerm Warfare against Zimbabwe
Robert Mugabe today blamed Britain and the United States for the cholera epidemic sweeping through Southern Africa. "It is an evil plot by Brown and Bush to force regime change on Zimbabwe" he said. When asked why he thought those countries wou...
Read full storyCold whore era fraudsters mothballed
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): MoD disinformation campaign top brass chuckled today at reports they are running a high profile spoiler story about the mothballing of two new proposed Royal Navy aircraft carriers, The Queen Elizabeth and The Pri...
Read full storySoccer Hard Man Vinnie Jones Slam Dunked By Fat Yank
Soccer 'hard man' Vinnie Jones was said to be in a bad mood yesterday following an altercation in a Sioux City, Iowa bar which left him requiring the services of a seamstress. CCTV coverage of the incident appear to show 'hard man' Jones throwing...
Read full storyBritish Postmen told to "Speed Up" to 9mph
Managers of the Royal Mail have told their footwalking postmen that from now on they must "hurry up". They are hoping to sack - which is quite an ironic term to use, coming as it did from pen pushers who left the real world several years ago - any...
Read full storySmell me? New Dating Line?
In a remarkable combination of digital technology and the mating ritual, i.e. dating, engineers at Sniffme Corp have introduced scent transmissions to matching you with the "love of your life", or not. Combining digital technology, the ability to ana...
Read full storyChristianity 'A Huge Lie', Jesus's Mother Claims
Jesus's mother, Mary, today shocked absolutely nobody when she revealed that the entire religion of Christianity is basically 'a massive fraud, invented by a used carpet salesman in Tarsus, you know, Paul Wotsisname. My boy rising from the dead, and...
Read full storyChampion of Ghazni - Part 1
Ghazni is a town about 150 kilometers south of Kabul, Afghanistan in which Sultan (i.e. absolute ruler) Mahmud Ghaznavi was born around 990. When 17-18, he became the warlord of his town. Gradually expanded his domain, including annexation of Iran. Mahmud had a legendary horse-borne all-purpose male child servant called Ayaz. When Sultan died, at the age of 51, the Muslims regard him as a champion...
Read full storyRussell Brand's New Aftershave 'SKANK' to Hit Shops Next Year!
Celebrity man-slut Russell Brand, is producing a new line of aftershave, to enable all men to be as successful with women, as himmy-wimmy. Russell puts his success down to his smell, which is a combination of " testes-sweat, dog-poo, stale-sex, jo...
Read full storyMore Bad News: Unemployment To Be 100% By 5 O'Clock
There was more bad news in the finance market today, as government figures revealed that Unemployment, already at a record-high, would reach 100% by 5 pm this evening. It's been a terrible time this winter, what with the Financial Crisis, Economic...
Read full storyWhat A Waste Of Council Tax
If Sol Campbell Had Watched Scooby Doo! on Nick Jr all this fuss and waste of Police resources could have been avoided. I watched it with the Kids this afternoon and just like Fratton Park that day, there was a baying mob. It was the Guys from Scooby's Old Station, Cartoon Network. There was at least 3,000 of them and they were angry about him leaving for their main rival and they were al...
Read full storyHobos Getting High on Battery Acid and Aspartame
DETROIT - Now that lots full of new cars are being abandoned, hobos are moving in to 'salvage' the battery acid and cook up a new treat for the street. Normally too sour to consume, the battery acid is mixed with pure aspartame to make a sweet tangy...
Read full storyThe Three U.S. Automakers Pull A Fast One
DETROIT, Michigan - The Three U.S, auto giants, Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors have pulled a fast one, and we're not talking about a fast car. Just as soon as the U.S. government assured them that each of the three would be receiving a monetar...
Read full storyItaliaTV Straightens Brokeback Love Scenes
Just as Ang Lee's gay cowpokes are about to start some pokin' out where the deer and the antelope play, ItaliaTV censors spoke the discouraging word: Cut! The dozen or so homosexual slaps and tickles in the film have all been altered by ITLTV editor...
Read full storyObama Scraps Puppy Promise; Buys Kids Rights to Bagpuss
The green brown president Obama has reneged on so many campaign promises already and has packed his cabinet with more Clintonites than you could shake a slick willie at. So few were surprised about his latest broken pledge...that is, except two of hi...
Read full storyYankees Buy CC Sabathia for Record Amount: We Paid by the Pound
The Steingrabber Twins and appropriately named GM cashman have shattered the salary records again by offering pitching ace, CC Sabathia 161 million dollars. The blockbuster price tag set off the usual chorus of Yankee haters and their perennial p...
Read full storyPair of Ed Reports: US Students as Cheaters and Math Scores Skyrocket
Two blockbuster Education studies were released this week from thunk tinks of the highest caliber. The Institute for a Moral Compass announced that US students by their own admission are the biggest, liars, cheats and thieves in the world. One in...
Read full storyGordon Brown will celebrate Easter this Christmas
UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will celebrate Easter this Christmas. The clumsy PM, in a doorstop with press correspondents, declared that he and his family would "be hanging out the sacks in anticipation of a rewarding visit from the Easter Bunny"...
Read full storyJocko Jackson is Candyass # 5 in Blagogayvitch's Wig Gate
Affidavits presented at the arraignment of the Illinois Governor seem to identify Michael Jocko Jackson as the candidate who promised the Guv one thousand kisses for a chance to chaperone Senate interns. Jackson is also apparently involved in imp...
Read full storyMadame Bitters Office Warfare Tactics
Dearest Madame Bitters, I've had my job for a little over 3 years and I haven't been promoted yet. I work hard on my projects and I do a good job, but nothing's come of it. In fact, I've trained two people below me and they've already been moved up. I'm getting very discouraged and I'm thinking about quitting. What do you think I should do? Depressed in Duluth, MN Depressed: I've got t...
Read full storyGordon Brown's Kryptonite Doesn't Stop Him From Saving The World
After the British Prime Minister Gordon Brown recently announced in the House of Commons that he has saved the world all on his own, without any help from anyone, he found a piece of Kryptonite in the mail, delivered in a suspiciously conservative bl...
Read full story"Git-Mo" reveals new music CD; Songs to torture by
It was reported today that Guantanamo Bay has compiled a CD with their top 17 songs to torture by. "The bleeding ears sweet seventeen", as they are affectionately called by gitmo staff comes out just in time for Christmas. The new album's release...
Read full storyObama's vacant senate seat sells for $300,000 on e-bay
Barack Obama's vacant senate seat sold for $300,000 this morning to an undisclosed bidder on e-bay. Chicago governor, Rod Blagojevich was reported selling the vacant seat to make some extra cash. "I just wanted to make some money," the naked gover...
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