Sen. Brownback: Eh, America Is Not That Great
WASHINGTON, DC -- Republican Senator and 2008 presidential candidate Sam Brownback sent shock waves throughout the nation with comments in a recent interview on CNN describing his, at best, lukewarm affection for the United States.
Read full storyNew case of Arse and Elbow confirmed in prospective London Mayor Boris Johnson
A new case of 'not knowing his arse from his elbow' has been confirmed at a fourth farm tonight.
Read full storyMad Abramovich intent on World Domination
Jose Mourinho has broken his silence for the first time since leaving Chelsea by 'mutual consent'.
Read full storyStudy Proves that Smoking Cigarettes Make you Sexy
A scientific study revealed today that people who smoke cigarettes are sexy. The study, carried out by researchers wearing white lab coats in the University of Wales in Cardiff, was commissioned by Imperial Tobacco.
Read full storyMissing time theory: Portuguese cops ask if McCanns were abducted by aliens
Portimao - (Whodunnit Press): Portuguese cops have claimed that a 'period of missing time' may provide the vital clue to the question every Portimao Polygraph machine operator wants answered: were the McCanns abducted by aliens?
Read full storyLatino organization cries racism over reduction of Cesar Chavez St.
Austin, TX The Latino Organization, L.A.T.A. (Latinos Americanos Todos Avanzando), has raised their voices in protest to the reduction of C...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham 'a sinister and pointless ragbag of bodily fluids'
New York - (Ass Mess): The desperate attention seeker wife of has-been football hero David Beckham has been dubbed a 'sinister and pointless ragbag of bodily fluids' by New York's iconic style bible Radar Magazine.
Read full storyCops probe BBC newsreader deception over Kate Middleton
Broadcasting House - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): It's sordid, it's deceitful and it's been staring nearly 45 million UK TV licence payers in the face for decades.
Read full storyPolice To Be Given Swimming Lessons
Police chiefs in the northwest have jumped to the defence of two Police Community Support Officers (PCSOs) who stood by as a boy drowned in a pond.
Read full storyPeru Meteor Described in Detail
Lima Beanea, Peru (IP) - Scientists lowered into the giant meteor crater in Peru have issued a detailed report designed to help the lay public get a bird's eye view of exactly what the meteorite looks like in their mind' eye.
Read full storyPlanets Caught Looking Through Hole in Fence
Mount Polamar, California (IP) - Astronomers on this scientific campus have made direct optical observations of the outer planets engaged in the curious act of looking through a hole in the fence located at the outer edge of the solar system.
Read full storyPhil Spector jury gets new controversial instructions from judge Fidler: 'Come back with a guilty verdict this time, okay?'
Los Angeles, California The jury of the Phil Spector murder trial returned to deliberations with new instructions from the judge, Larry Pau...
Read full storyHyphens-Perish In New-Oxford-Dictionary
Ra-ma-ra-ma- -Ding-dong-, England-- (IP)-- 16,000 - hyphens -have -disappeared -from -the -Oxford -English-dictionary- and- London- Yard- is- on- the -look -out -for - the- maniac -who -stole -them. He- said- it- will-be- difficult- to-manage- all-...
Read full storySquirrels Become Farmers
Scientists believe an extraordinary evolution is occurring in squirrels. They are evolving from opportunist scroungers to farmers.
Read full storyGroup One Queen Elizabeth II Stakes to be relegated to handicap race
Arsecut Racecourse - (Ass Mess): This year's Group One Queen Elizabeth II Stakes at Ascot is to be relegated to auction handicap status.
Read full storyTim Henman almost wins National Lottery
Tennis ace Tim Henman almost won last week's National Lottery draw, it was revealed. He almost won a tax-free cash prize of £4 million.
Read full story'Leave Britney Alone!' Drama queen, Chris Crocker, to replace Britney?
Hollywood, California - That's right! Overnight YouTube sensation, Chris Crocker, is the latest to be inducted into the world of reality TV with his own show. A TV crew is set to follow him around his hometown in Tennessee, where the 19-year-old...
Read full storyEight Iraqis Dead At Hands of 'Private' Soldiers: "It's An Insult!"
Baghdad - An incident Sunday that left eight dead at the hands of private American security guards have left Iraqi officials angered. Iraq ministers released a statement today stating that the loss was not only tragic but also utterly insul...
Read full storyRevealed: the chequebook that rekindled Kate and William's love for each other
London - (Ass mess): The Pretender to the Throne's heir apparent and Kate Middleton rekindled their contractual obligations during a multi-million pound crack deal at a Wiltshire mansion this summer according to a report today.
Read full storyRon Paul Crosses the Balloon Line at the Debate
1:00 a.m., in Ft. Lauderdale-- At the River House, Ron Paul was passing out candy before the debate and had a juice bar, and then everyone got ready for the debate. Then Ron Paul crossed the balloon line at the debate, it was red, white, and blue. And the party was at the next place by where Ron Paul was first meeting. The party was by the River House. Ron Paul saw a Ron Paul sign behind...
Read full storyPutin delight as Northwest back passage opens for business
Moscow - (Ass Mess): Russian President Vladimir Sputum has expressed his joy at global warming's re-opening of the Northwest back passage which he thinks will be great for business.
Read full storyMan Who Killed Himself in Woolworths was Trainee Suicide Bomber
Police have revealed that a man who killed himself in a Woolworth's store was training to be a suicide bomber.
Read full storyKid Rock to become Adult Rock
HOLLYWOOD, CALIF.-Superstar rocker Kid Rock says he is in the process of changing his name after an embarrassing incident with nemesis musician Tommy Lee. The two have been at each others' throats both figuratively and literally since a recent f...
Read full storyNATO dubs Forbes Rich List 'priceless fiction'
NATO HQ, Brussels - (Armageddon Press): NATO military intelligence sources today dubbed the latest Forbes Rich List as the sort of 'priceless fiction' that made their litigation department swell with pride.
Read full storySisters Cherie Blair and Sharon Osbourne in fist fight over who's richer and more successful
Identical twin sisters Cherie Blair and Sharon Osbourne met last night at the Waldorf Astoria for a family reunion. The siblings, who were separated at birth, went on to lead completely different lives. Cheri...
Read full storyCRACK To Float On NYSE
One of the largest drugs cartels in Colombia is to float itself on the New York Stock Exchange in an attempt to raise funds for an expansion.
Read full storyRap Star impersonates NY cop by beating up black motorist
Rap star the Game (Jayceon Taylor) was given a conditional discharge after being brought to court for impersonating a police officer. Taylor, wearing a fake NY cop's uniform, stopped an automobile driven by a bla...
Read full storyElection Day Moved to April 17th
Washington (IP) - Politicians have decided to move election day from November to two days after April 15th "tax day". The Senate and House both agreed that the move would demonstrate how good they are at keeping promises.
Read full storyEarly Britain- The Normans
The Crown was next passed Harold, son of Godwin. But there was also a counter claim from William, Duke of Normandy. He claimed that...
Read full storyChelsea Plan Clear-out Of Over-rated 'Stars'
Crisis club Chelsea are expected to announce plans for a major clear-out at the club after the shock ousting of manager Jose Mourinho, sources close to Stamford Bridge have said.
Read full storyEarly Britain- The Saxons
The Saxons were the next colonisers of Britain, drifting west from Denmark. They came to Britain after the Romans had departed so they would be able to find parking spaces more easily. Their most renowned leader was Alfred.
Read full storyMourinho a Certainty for Leeds Job
Ousted Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has been linked with the manager's job at lowly League One outfit Leeds United, it has been reported, and may be interested in the position "if the price were right".
Read full storyBarclays Shares Slump After Northern Rock Mix-up
Barclays Bank is the latest financial institution to suffer massive share price losses after a fresh mix-up involving the Northern Rock bank.
Read full storyPortugal Declares War On Britain
The British government has this morning announced that a state of war exists between itself and Portugal, the Portuguese government having declared war on Britain at 6 o'clock yesterday evening.
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