Early Britain- The Normans

Written by Wildjesusfishkid

Friday, 21 September 2007

The Crown was next passed Harold, son of Godwin. But there was also a counter claim from William, Duke of Normandy. He claimed that the throne was promised to him when Edward the Confessor had visited him in private. He said that if nobody believed him, they should ask the local bishop as they never lie.

Normandy was an almost independent kingdom but William did pay homage to the King of France, but being a proud man, William would flounce around like a teenager and wouldn't bow properly and refused to eat his peas at dinner even though the King pointed out that they were good for him.

William led an invasion force across the channel and landed at Hastings. He was originally planning to go to Dover but Hastings was more geared up for tourists and had a small zoo on the pier.

William led his Normans to a field North of Hastings where they faced the English forces led by King Harold. The English fought bravely but were crap compared to the highly skilled French attacks. The Norman strategy was to overwhelm the enemy by using a combination of discipline and bad breath. By morning, the English were convincingly beaten by the smell of garlic and strong French cigarettes. This was not the first time that such tactics had been employed. The French had used garlic and smelly cheeses in previous battles to great effect and only the Italians overcame them by countering with parmesan and cold linguini.

The famous Battle of Hastings was recorded by the Bayeaux Tapestry. The tapestry records the Norman conquest of Britain in wool upon cloth and is two hundred feet long. It was originally supposed to be a pair of trousers, but there was some confusion over William's inside leg measurement. Fortunately, William's Nan was unable to make alterations to make it into a winter jumper for his birthday so Bishop Odo said sod it and to go with a tapestry. William never noticed and his Nan decided to knit socks from then on.

King William appointed Norman bishops in place of the Saxons and made La Franc Archbishop of Canterbury. Lafranc was the only French clergyman that pronounce the word "Canterbury" without covering everybody in phlegm. William reigned until he died. He also wrote a book about domesday but it wasn't a best seller and was nowhere near as good as the DaVinci Code.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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