ABC News Gets Owned by thecoolestguy
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Digg.com - A user, who goes by the handle of thecoolestguy bought ABC today. He was extremely frustrated that they completely ignored Ron Paul out of their on-line poll, so he took up a collection using PayPal and bought the n...
Read full storyParis Hilton Says Goodbye to Love, Jail, and Publicist
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - California - Paris Hilton said "Goodbye to Love," jail, and her publicist. She is now thinking about paying Britney Spears to work with Richard Carpenter to do a remake of the famous song make popular by Karen Carpen...
Read full storyBush to Queen: "These times of danger & derision!"
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Standing outside the White House and flanked by VIPs following a 21 gun salute to welcome Queen Elizabeth, George W Bush said today that the "fruits of our work have been difficult for many to enjoy... Your majesty, I...
Read full storyStar Trek Style Replicator to Hit Market
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Pasadena, CA - The dreams of Star Trek TNG are coming true. The replicator, which the New York Times writer, Saul Hansell wrongly calls a "transporter" (he obviously isn't a Star Trek fan) is being developed by s...
Read full storyMcCain to Run Campaign From Tiger Cage
Senator John McCain will make all speeches, participate in all debates and run his entire campaign from a bamboo tiger cage similar to the one in was imprisoned in during the Vietnam War. McCain aides stated that the angry, confused Senator who still...
Read full storyFeds raid Aintgottaprayer.com
White Plains, NY (Ass Mess): Internet bookmakers Aitgottaprayer.com was reeling today after a FBI raid on its offices that dismantled a $2 million-a-week betting ring.
Read full storyControversy Over Asteroid Named Gay-Man
Griffith Observatory: Los Angeles, CA - Study of a potentially dangerous asteroid has been held at a standstill as an ethics committee reviews a case of equal rights.
Read full storySpiderman 3.1: Oregon Boy Caught in Web, Son of a Spidey?
Albany, Oregon - A nine-year-old boy complaining about popping sounds in his ear, then pain before his mom rushed him to the doctor. There the doctor flushed out two spiders - one still alive. The boy fully recovered without injury and took the survi...
Read full storyUniversity to Change Mascot
Minneapolis, MN - After years of ridicule, the Golden Gophers will be no more. The University of Minnesota at Minneapolis has decided that, after decades of support and school spirit, the time has come for a change in mascots.
Read full storyMafioso Really Sleeps With Fish
Tri-State Area USA - Vinnie (THE EEL) Langostino The leader of whats left of the once powerful Colombo Crime Family was found in bed sexually abusing a six foot bottle nose dolphin in the Merrimac hotel and lounge in Yuppa City New Jersey.
Read full storyCloned Money Can Be Used To Buy Cloned Food Products
Washinton - In it's latest report, The National Research Council advised the United States Treasury Department that if Cloned Meat and food byproducts are sold in American markets that not only food stamps and coupons can be used to purchase the...
Read full storyTony Blair Steps Down as Prime Minister
In a much-anticipated blaze of publicity Tony Blair has today announced that he will be stepping down as Prime Minister with immediate effect, handing the reins of Great Britain over to his understudy Mr Gordon Brown.
Read full storyTesco sued by online shopper
Leeds, UK - Supermarket giant Tesco is facing court action after an online shopper had an accident on the company's website. Anna Lovescock claimed she clicked on a broken link on Tesco.com, resulting in virtually serious injuries.
Read full storyApple Anounces IWasteTime Device
Silicon Valley California - Steve Jobs announced the merchandising of a new fun way to waste time. It is a plastic box that comes in seven different cool colors and 5 different wires that you just fool around with and try to figure out what you can d...
Read full storyElizabeth Takes Back Virginia
In a bloodless coup, Elizabeth, Queen of England, reasserted ownership of the Colony of Virginia, formally known as Virginia USA. Under cover of a Royal Visit to the Americas the Queen, relying on a decision by the World Court that the Rebellion of...
Read full storyMail Order Bride Returned To Sender For Insufficent Posatge
Bangkok Thailand - Akira Kamasutra an eighteen year old mail order bride was returned to her home address in Bangkok over the week. She was in route to meet and marry her new husband Bing Hyman, a fifty nine year old resident of Bangor Maine.
Read full storyWashington rumors: Bush to get Order of the Garter
White House - (Ass Mess): Capitol Hill is abuzz with rumors that Queen Elizabeth is to bestow the UK's highest gallantry medal on President Bush and make him a Knight of the Order of the Garter for services to the cash-for-honors industry.
Read full storyStatue of Liberty Walks In Protest Over LAPD Mistreatment Of Immigrants
(New York--NY) "At first, I thought it was the work of Muslim malfeasance," was the reaction of New York City Harbor Police Officer Richard Tracy as he motored by Liberty Island and saw just a torch where the Statue of Liberty used to be.
Read full storyLet them eat whoresmeat says celebrity chef
London - (Ass Mess): Triple Michelin starred chef Gordon Ramsey is urging the English restaurant-going chattering classes to "start eating whoresmeat" like their French cousins over the Channel.
Read full storyBP Ex-CEO and perjuror Browne faces Texas City Refinery subpoena
Texas - (Ass Mess): The Texas Supreme Court is hearing an application by Texas City refinery disaster attorney Brent Coon who represents some of the victims' families to subpoena ex-BP CEO Lord Browne in this week's hearing into the explosion...
Read full storyAffluent nonentity Hilton decries CRAP monitor
California - (Ass Mess): Affluent peroxide bombshell nonentity Paris Hilton has hit out at the draconian imposition of the electronic ankle tag that Judge Sauer has ordered her to wear for 90 days as part of her custodial sentence for violating a DUI...
Read full storyCanadian Drug Dealers Allowed to Sell In USA
Washington DC - A federal judge on Monday struck down a state law that makes it illegal for Canadians to sell street drugs in "da hood". Old laws made it possible to fix the price of drugs such as cocaine, crack, crystal meth and ecstasy.
Read full storyParis Popular Perspiration Prescription Promises Perfect Pits for Pathetic Plebs
Paris Hilton today leapt into the alliteration wars with her anti-ageing armpit cream. Following the success of Boots own brand anti-ageing cream which really works and takes twenty years off even the most gnarly example of womanhood, Paris has commi...
Read full storyPhil Spector Will Be Executed By Wall Of Sound
California - Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that if Phil Spector, who is currently on trial for the alleged murder of B movie actress Lana Clarkson, is convicted of first degree murder he will be given the death penalty and be executed by a huge...
Read full storyPensioners Freeze in Tropical Heatwave
The recent heatwave and soaring global temperatures are just not enough for the elderly and infirm of Great Britain who today complained, "It's bitter out."...
Read full storySubway sack worker over sharing Coke, Transport systems worldwide strike in protest. Markets in freefall.
A worker at a Subway restaurant in Dunedin New Zealand has been sacked for sharing her complimentary diet Coke with a friend, sparking worldwide travel chaos as underground train systems immediately went on strike and have refused to return to work...
Read full storyFears Grow For Deflated Mourinho
There are growing fears for the Chelsea manager, Jose Mourinho following Manchester United's winning the English Premiership title.
Read full storyFox Ousts Ron Paul for Being a Real Republican
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - New York City - FOX News is trying to deny Republican Ron Paul of Texas the chance to appear in its televised debates, siting, "He looks too old to be on TV, and besides, he's a REAL Republican. The Bush Administratio...
Read full storyBritney Fan Files Lawsuit for Eye Candy Injury at House of Blues Concert
Los Angeles, California - Jebb Smith was one of Britney's biggest fans until last week when at a Britney concert at The House of Blues he suddenly went blind from all the eye candy Britney was flashing on stage.
Read full storyMalakar Madness
He's no William Hung, but that hasn't stopped Sanjaya Malakar from making a similar decision after his time on American Idol. Shortly after being voted off of the singing competition, Malakar announced his decision to sign a one-album record...
Read full storyRonco Sees Stock Prices Soar With Latest Invention
Omaha, Nebraska - Infomercial culinary giant Ronco today saw a twenty-seven percent gain in stock price after news of their latest offering, the "Fry-fi", wireless cooker and mobile phone, reached investors. "This is a huge advance in time-sa...
Read full storyUS Military Starts New 'Killing is Cool' Ad Campaign
Faced with decreasing enrollment, the U.S. Military has started a new ad campaign proclaiming the thrill and enjoyment of killing Iraqi soldiers and civilians.
Read full storyCouple who left abducted tot alone in hotel to eat dinner 'completely bonkers'
Portugal - (Ass Mess): A pair of British doctors who left their three year old daughter and two younger twin siblings alone in a hotel room while they went out to dinner have been labelled 'completely bonkers' by police and social services wh...
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