Bush Rejects Calls to Put Aides "Under Oath", Suggests Syntactic Compromise
In reaction to a Democratic resolution this week, authorizing subpoenas for top White House Aides, President Bush backed down from his previous, seemingly inflexible position, to offer Democratic leaders a compromise.
Read full storyGonzalez: Jesus bumper stickers are 'insurrection'
The freedom of speech case Morse vs. Frederick involving high school student rights has come to the attention of U.S. Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales.
Read full storyWho Killed Bob Woolmer?
On 18 March 2007, Bob Woolmer was found unconscious in his hotel room in Kingston, Jamaica. He was confirmed dead at the nearby University Hospital. The Jamaican police announced on 21 March 2007 that the death was being treated as "suspicious". Now the big question, who killed Bob Woolmer?...
Read full storyLSD may cure bipolar, other mental disorders
Follow-up studies to those conducted by the military at universities and hospitals during the 1950s have shown that the hallucinogenic drug LSD may hold potential for treating several mental disorders.
Read full storyCockfighting Banned in New Mexico by Governor Bill Richardson
The state of New Mexico in the southwestern United States has banned the sport of cockfighting. This has been a form of entertainment in that region of the country for several years among small towns and Hispanics. In the sport, chickens with razor...
Read full storyBritney Spears Latest Rehab Lesson: "How to Put on Your Panties"
Doctors and counselors at the rehab facility began a new round of eduction with Britney Spears today. Britney was shown a pair of panties and instructed on how to wear them. She was also given lessons on why, where, and when they are worn. To si...
Read full storyHeather Mills seeking woodworm treatment
London - (Assinine Press): Dancing with the Stars contestant Heather Mills has flown back to London for an emergency consultation with Harley Street pest control experts after her false leg became infested with woodworm on the US TV show dance floor.
Read full storyParis Hilton and Nicole Richie to Be Camp Counselors
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie will be camp counselors at a camp for teenage girls in their next incarnation of The Simple Life. In it, they will work with young teens and tweens in the mountains to share the fountain of their knowledge. Unlike reg...
Read full story2008 Olympics in Beijing to include new sport
The International Olympic Committee announced on Thursday that a new event called the Centathlon will be included in the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China.
Read full storyEdwards Campaign gets Big Boost From Wife's Illness: Clinton And Obama Ponder Next Move.
A tragedy turned into triumph today as the latest polls show that, John Edwards, the former Democratic Senator from North Carolina, has surged into a commanding lead over his closest rivals in the latest Democratic Presidential preference polls...
Read full storyGordon Brown to Straighten Up his Posture or Die
George Bush said today that he wasn't looking forward to Gordon Brown being Prime Minister as he was no way as sexy as Tony and had a very baggy face!...
Read full storyCourt orders UK press to hand over Britney story sources
London - (Assinine Press): Singer Britney Spears has won a UK High Court injunction forcing British newspapers to hand over the source of their February 21 story alleging that she shaved her hair "because lice were eating her extensions."
Read full storyBattersea Power Station to be new US embassy site
London - (Ass Mess): Crumbling 1960's industrial icon the Battersea Power Station is set to become the next US Embassy after IRA pig farmers, Treasury Holdings, who bought (sic) the decaying site off Hong Kong fraudster Victor Hwang last year did...
Read full storyChico Booted
Vice President Chaney's Propaganda Sit-Com "Chico and the Ayatollah" has reportedly been booted off of Iranian TV by President Mahumuhd Ahmajinedad.
Read full storyMandy joins Goldman Sax & confirms Blair espionage role
London - (Rotters): EU trade commssioner and former Blairite rent boy Peter Mandelson has told the press he won't challenge Gordon Brown in a leadership contest, won't stand for another term in Brussels in 2009 and has blamed the shifting san...
Read full storyNature arrested on suspected murder charges
In a pre dawn raid by a special seasonal police unit, Nature was cuffed and taken down to the police station on suspicion of murdering several thousand daffodils.
Read full storyFrance sucks seeds
French Spokesman -- Avec Moi -- Announced today that France is seceding from the International Community due to "The stupidity of everyone who is not French!" (I guess that means me!)...
Read full storyBeast with two heads coin marks royal diamond wedding fiction
Buckingham Palace - (Assinine Press): The Hellfire Club's fiction factory unveiled its latest offering today in the shape of new gold and silver £5 coins purporting to celebrate the 60th wedding anniversary of the actors still impersonating the H...
Read full storyYo -- Woo Tang in the Igloo
Eskimo Rapper "Yo Bitch - Cook the Fish" will be performing his number one hit Song (Nanuk was a Mo Fo) at the Church of Modern Enlightenment in South DaKota this spring.
Read full storyElton John Speaks Out On Homosexuality
Sir John Elton, the self-styled 'Grandad of Pop', is shouting from the rooftops again - this time on the subject of homosexuals who, he says, he despises.
Read full storyMicrowave Planned for Giant, Frozen Squid. If Unsuccessful - Colossal Calamari - Deep Sea, Deep Fried
A Colossal Squid, frozen after being caught by New Zealand fisherman, is to be thawed out using a giant microwave. This was the first time we as a species have come into contact with a living colossal squid, our response was typically humane.
Read full storySuperior man's inferiority complex led to necrophiliac bestiality
Wisconsin - (Ass Press): A Wisconsin male suffering from low self esteem has been sentenced into a psycho-sexual rehab clinic program after being found guilty of molesting a dead deer.
Read full storyThe Sheik Formerly Known As President Bush Plans To Hire Unemployed East German Volkspolizei: Will Authorize Shoot To Kill Order.
In an important speech delivered yesterday to the Del Rio Chamber of Commerce in Del Rio, Texas, the Shiek Formerly Known As President Bush, provided more details on his controversial plan to hire unemployed East German Volkspolizei to patrol the bor...
Read full storyLucky Charms Sponsers Sugar Induced Freak Out for A.D.D.
On Tuesday, March 27, 2007, Lucky Charms will sponsor the national sugar induced freak out for ADD At three a.m. PST, an estimated 350 people will eat seven bowls of sugar coated Lucky Charms and then freak out from the sugar rush to follow. "I...
Read full storyNow Brad is adopting on his own!
Following the news that Angelina Jolie has adopted a boy from an orphanage in Vietnam, Brad is also getting on the adoption bandwagon by picking up a little lost soul all of his very own.
Read full storyOklahoma Hog Girl Eats Family Dog
SPECTRE COUNTY, OKLAHOMA,--(BARNYARD NOOZ) Oklahoma, 'where the wind comes sweeping down the plain and drunken Indians run around insane' comes a terrifying story to report. In the small town of Pork Rind, five miles outside...
Read full storySooty Joins Religious Sect
The lovable glove puppet Sooty, from the 'Sooty And Sweep' show has joined the nudist religious sect 'The Fingers Of God'.
Read full storyVP Cheney Has Blood Flowing Through His Body!
Medical experts were shocked to find that Vice Dick Cheney had actual blood flowing through his veins!...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Breaks Leg in Lead up to Israel Clash, Fortunately Not His Own
Wayne Rooney has broken a leg while training for England's Euro 2008 qualifier with Israel.
Read full storyMan Marries Horse in Strange Wedding
A Texas man from Corpus Christi recently exchanged vows in a strange, twisted wedding. The man, William Leigh, married a Chestnut colored horse in a simple ceremony attended only by a few friends and co-workers.
Read full storyTruth in Advertising Act to Be Strictly Enforced
The United States Congress has recently passed, and the President signed into law, new amendments to the Truth in Advertising Act which will be strictly enforced. These measures will cause the follow companies to make changes in their marketing camp...
Read full storyAnna Nicole Smith DNA Paternity Test Results Released
The famous Anna Nicole Smith DNA (from her baby) has been released and the father of her baby has been determined to be.....exercise guru Richard Simmons. Paternity tests showed a 99.725% chance that Simmons was the biological parent of the child.
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