2008 Olympics in Beijing to include new sport

Funny story written by Quorum of One

Thursday, 22 March 2007

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The International Olympic Committee announced on Thursday that a new event called the Centathlon will be included in the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China.

After the Biathlon (skiing, shooting), the Triathlon (cycling, swimming, running), the Pentathlon (discus tossing, shotput chucking, javelin heaving, hammer hurling, lunch launching) the Septathlon (name licensing, product endorsing, money earning, drug buying, arrest resisting, plea bargaining, time doing) and the Decathlon (jogging, running, dashing, sprinting, sweating, panting, faltering, falling, fainting, dying), the Centathlon is considered by many to be the "ultimate sport".

While Decathlon contestants are known as "iron men", Centathlon contestants are known as "iron men with a lot of spare time, if you ask us International Olympic Committee members".

Contestants compete in a rapid and uninterrupted succession of competitions of escalating difficulty.

The events, or "thlons" as they are called, start with thumb wrestling, arm wrestling, leg wrestling, a walking race, a sack race, running, hurdling, high jumping, pole vaulting, cliff diving and getting shot from a cannon.

The competition continues with a 500-mile unicycle race (No.27), a backwards three-legged marathon (No.58), five-mile bungee jumping from an F-16 (No.82) and a crab walk race across the Gobi Desert (No.94), finally culminating in No.100, the most grueling trial of all: each contestant smokes a joint and then has to talk on the phone to his/her mother for 30 minutes.

In case of a tie, the winner is decided by paper-rock-scissors (best nine out of seventeen).

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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