Gonzalez: Jesus bumper stickers are 'insurrection'

Funny story written by Skews Me

Thursday, 22 March 2007

image for Gonzalez: Jesus bumper stickers are 'insurrection'
We will be treating these crimes as drug offenses

The freedom of speech case Morse vs. Frederick involving high school student rights has come to the attention of U.S. Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales.

The controversy began when student Joseph Frederick unveiled a 14-foot banner reading "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" as the Olympic torch was carried through the streets of Juneau, Alaska. Principal Deborah Morse suspended him for five days for violating the school's no-drug policy. The punishment was increased to ten days when Frederick refused to turn in his cohorts.

In response, thousands of teens across the nation began affixing "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" stickers to automobiles, mailboxes, and other high-visibility areas causing millions of dollars in personal property damage.

"This is a well-banked attack," said Gonzalez to The Spoof. "Millions of stickers isn't cheap. We are investigating whether it is centrally funded or coming out of the pockets of the individual perpetrators."

"We will be treating these crimes as drug offenses," stressed the attorney general. "An insurrection of drug addicted students will not be tolerated."

The American Civil Liberties Union was outraged at Gonzalez's statements. "These are just kids standing up for Joseph's rights," said ACLU spokesman Matthew Christianson. "Joseph orchestrated a publicity stunt using some politically charged words. Would he have been suspended if the sign read 'Satan is our master' instead? A toast to our Lord with one of His own creations is somehow worse?

"The taggers are committing acts of vandalism at worst, that is all," said Christianson. "Charging them with a drug offense would ruin so many of their chances to pursue further education. Is that what we really want for our more civic-minded students?"

The Justice Department is determined to prosecute. "There have been numerous instances of these criminals sabotaging the vehicle's operation which could bring charges of domestic terrorism," said Gonzalez.

The ACLU doesn't agree that a potato plugging an exhaust pipe need be raised to the level of suicide bomber. The Spoof also notes that the SUVs targeted are gas guzzlers.

Copyright © 2007, SkewsMe

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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