Heather Mills seeking woodworm treatment

Written by queen mudder

Thursday, 22 March 2007

image for Heather Mills seeking woodworm treatment
So realistic looking that she even shaves it in the bath

London - (Assinine Press): Dancing with the Stars contestant Heather Mills has flown back to London for an emergency consultation with Harley Street pest control experts after her false leg became infested with woodworm on the US TV show dance floor.

Initial examination revealed that the problem might be localised and confined to the prosthesis.

But Heather said she started to get a creepy, itchy feeling soon after her Larry King Live appearance and by the time she reached her hotel room it had spread all the way up her thigh and beyond.

"It felt like something was burrowing into me and when I undressed and took off my panties there were literally hundreds of the bastards gnawing away at my Agent Provocateur thong strap," Heather told her medical consultant.

"I'd left my spare leg back home in London and was worried that the one I was wearing wouldn't last long after all the holes the bugs had made."

As she boarded her British Airways flight back to London airline crew were tipped off and asked her to take a quarantined seat which had been sprayed with DDT as a precaution at the rear of the first class cabin.

She was met at Heathrow by a team of specialists who rushed her to a sterile intensive care facility for a thorough examination.

Heather now has to remain in quarantine after her doctors discovered the woodworm may have started elsewhere on her body and not necessarily targeted her leg from a dodgy wooden dance floor.

"It could have been something she caught from sitting on a wooden chair without sufficient underwear to protect her," was one diagnosis currently under debate.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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