Bush to Minions: Save My Legacy
Washington, D.C. - With the Iraq war going badly and Afghanistan slipping back into Taliban control, President Bush has given notice that his legacy must be rescued by winning a war. Senior administration officials announced today that the President...
Read full storyPyramid Schemes Updated to Reflect New Food Pyramid Guidelines
Grand Rapids, MI- In a move that pyramid schemers around the world agree will help them keep pace with changing times, new schemes are being arranged to reflect the updated USDA food guide pyramid.
Read full storySecret Report By Israeli Intelligence Proves Speaker Nancy Pelosi Bankrolled Al Qaeda
A shocking report released today by the Israeli Intelligence Agency Mossad, seems to offer definitive proof that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (Democrat-Peoples Republic of San Francisco) funded the purchase of arms by Al Qaeda through the earmar...
Read full storyNew lung medicine worries police
While developing an aerosol to break down tars in smokers' repiratory tracts, researchers at the University of Maryland Munich Campus in Germany discovered an unexpected side effect that has raised some controversy.
Read full storyVirgie Arthur triumphant as Anna Nicole judge caught on the pot
Stanley Goldman Park, Hollywood, Fla. -(Ass Mess): Another twist of fate has struck the epic Anna Nicole Smith saga as Judge Lawrence Korda was caught spliffin' up in the Florida sunshine this weekend by Stanley Goldman Park cops on routine patro...
Read full storyRigor mortis feigning pandemic hits British Airways
Heathrow Airport - (Ass Press): The UK civil aviation industry is under seige with a pandemic of terminal rigor mortis feigning after canny passengers discovered British Airways' policy of automatically upgrading corpses to first class travel on...
Read full storyPolar Bears Agree To Settle Suit Against Publisher of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth"
Ms. Edith Weenie-Tickler, Vice President of Rodale, publisher of Al Gore's book "An Invonvenient Truth", was pleased as she announced the terms of the negotiated settlement with the Polar Bears that had sued her firm f...
Read full storySwastika slave girls in Argentina's no escape brothel camps
Buenos Aries- The proud Argentine nation may be best known for the Tango, Evita, beef and cheating soccer midgets.
Read full storyDisease Halts Inadequate Musicians
LAS VEGAS--Several individuals with various disabling ailments are slowly fighting back after it became apparent than no one cares about them. The focus of the group who is calling themselves SEA, Surely and Eventually Able, will be drawing attention...
Read full storyPlayboy buys Pottery magazine for 120 million dollars
They say a lot can be lost in translation and this weeks acquisition of a Swedish pottery magazine by Hugh Hefner's Playboy Corporation proves that even huge multinationals can be caught out.
Read full storyParis Hilton Breasts Too Big Body Too Thin Headline Dilemma
AMANDA MANNING Paris Hilton was spotted leaving for Arena nightclub in Hollywood looking like she hit curvaceous puberty while at the same time starving herself to get that too thin figure to make her breasts look
Read full storyBush Asks for Patience, "Waiting will win the war in Iraq."
American President George W. Bush now insists that 'patience' is the key to success in Iraq.
Read full storyBob Woolmer Dies Of Cricket
Cricket fans the world over, today mourned the passing of a truly world-class cricketer, batsman Bob Woolmer.
Read full storyNot quite a Ralph Fiennes moment #2: British Airways and the Mile High Corpse
Heathrow Airport - (Disaster Press): First it was Ralph Fiennes and the mile-high encounter with a Quanitarse steward.
Read full storyEngland World Cup Cricket Bid Already On The Rocks
The England cricket team will face up to their tricky qualifying group match against Kenya on Saturday, bolstered by the return of Andrew Flintoff, after his one-match ban yesterday against Canada.
Read full storyHarry Potter's Hermione, Emma Watson, May Magically Disappear.
Emma Watson, who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, will apparently not be playing her anymore.
Read full storyWayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo have pleaded with fans to stop reading transfer rumours.
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Admits Hots for 'Babe' Ann Coulter
ST. LOUIS (AP) -- Rush Limbaugh, the right-wing radio talk-show host who says he has half his brain jammed up his posterior "just to keep things fair," has admitted that he has the other half of his brain amorously infatuated with Ann Coult...
Read full storyHermione quits Hogwarts - actress to be replaced by Virgin Mary
Emma Watson is quitting her role as Hermione in the Harry Potter film series, despite an offer of 808,874 galleons and 4 sickles ($3.9 million) per film, and as much butterbeer as she can drink. The sixteen year old actress fears she is at risk from...
Read full storyCameron To Step Down As Tory Leader
There was shock today on the Conservative front bench, when it was announced that Tory leader, David Charlatan, was to step down from his role after only 15 months in charge.
Read full storyBong Hits 4 Jesus a diabolical liberty
Washington - (Dissassociated Mess): A Supreme Court hearing today will evaluate the God-given rights of rabid fundamentalist religious educationalist nutters and their Diabolical Liberties Union supporters to gag students' First Amendment rites...
Read full storyCourt Grants Restraining Order for Dead Woman
Nimbin, Australia. A Local Court in the hippie capital of Australia has taken the unprecedented action of granting an Apprehended Violence Restraining Order (known locally as an AVO), even though the complainant had died three days earlier.
Read full storySinbad Alive & Well
Sinbad has been spotted. He is alive and walking around free. He was originally a genie in a bottle but has now graduated to genie in a "lamp". Due to numerous family concerns that he may be dead, he has been allowed temporary release fr...
Read full storyPat Robertson Supports Bong4Jesus
Students who displayed a Bong4Jesus banner during the Olympic torch relay from their high school window were denied the right of free speech by their principal. Now Pat Robertson and an array of Christian conservative groups are filing friend of the...
Read full storyHomeless Americans Take to the Roofs of American Homes
Homeless American have found the second best way to have a home. They are camping on the roofs of US houses and businesses. It took quite a while for homeowners to even notice their new roof dwellers. Stealthy campers pitch their tents late into the...
Read full storyAl-Sadr Produces No, No, America on Iranian Broadway
Shiite leader Al Sadr has produced an Iraqi spoof on the old time Broadway musical, No, No, Nannette. In No, No, America a chorus line of Shiites, Kurds(small and large)and some delightful Sunnis kick and wiggle their way across the stage at Teheran&...
Read full storyPresident George W. Bush Admits To 911 HOAX
WASHINGTON D.C.--(ASSOCSHAT PRESS) President George Walker Bush was arrested at the White House today based upon clear evidence which surfaced proving that he masterminded 911 Hoax. Secret Service pe...
Read full storySatangate heats up the Capital
WASHINGTON D.C. - Recently leaked visitor records from Vice President Cheney's office reveal a startling number of visits by Satan over the past six years. According to the records, the Vice President saw Satan more than 23 times since 2000.
Read full storyWorld's smallest whores raising $$$$s for charity
St Louis - (Ass Press): They're tiny, they're cute-looking and they're pulling in the punters. Yes, the world's smallest whores have turned their natural talents to charity fundraising and are on a roll touring the US states coast to...
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