Heathrow Airport - (Ass Press): The UK civil aviation industry is under seige with a pandemic of terminal rigor mortis feigning after canny passengers discovered British Airways' policy of automatically upgrading corpses to first class travel on longhaul flights.
The craze began after an economy passenger dropped dead en route from Delhi to Heathrow and was transferred to the luxury end of the BA plane after the customary on-board chiller cabinet unexpectedly broke down.
"Normally under such circumstances we strap the cadavers inside the champagne chiller in an upright position to offset any turbulence," said a spokesman.
"On larger craft such as the Jumbos there is sometimes room in the steerage compartment.
"But last weekend this was not available because we were carrying 100 Alsatian police dogs bound for the Anti-Terrorist branch of the Met.
"These had been specially trained in the Punjab to sniff out Al-Qaeda. We couldn't risk putting the cadaver in with them, it might have sent them potty."
Meanwhile passengers are to undergo even stricter pre-flight medical vetting to stop the death feigning ruse from getting out of hand.
One suggestion has been the installation of a Star Trek-esque on-board HoloDoctor which can diagnose real medical emergency as opposed to opportunist acting.
"Or we could just carry some of those high-tech body-bags than act like wine-cooler sleeves that you keep in the freezer.
"Simply pop your cadaver inside, close the zip and they can stay comfy and chilled for at least twelve hours."
There are no hard and fast industry rules on how to treat an unexpected corpse midflight on a longhaul.
In the United States there has been a lot of tightening up of regulations after 9/11 but even the White House was unsure of what exactly would happen if it was the President himself who suddenly died in midair.
"Would we strap the President's body upright into the champagne chiller? Mmm. I'd need to check for a precedent before answering that one," said an aide in Karl Rove's department.
