Northern Exposure: Bush to Call Up Scouts
WASHINGTON D.C. - Just days after announcing his intention to station National Guard troops along the U.S. border with Mexico, President Bush made an unexpected statement today concerning the Canadian border.
Read full storyMore Porn For UK Troops
British soldiers are said to be waiting in eager anticipation the activation of the British military's Skynet 5 porn satellite.
Read full storyAre you a genius? Donate DNA
In a last minute attempt to rally the failing company from bankruptcy, Genetics Savings & Clone has opened its cryogenic storage facilities to preserving the DNA of geniuses.
Read full storyHurley Wedding Rights Flogged to "Asian Babes"
In an embarrassing administrative blunder, the exclusive image rights for Elizabeth Hurley's wedding to Arun Nayar have been secured by down-market hardcore jazz mag Asian Babes.
Read full storyChina Developing Human Computer Chips
In 2004, researchers from the University of Florida grew mouse brain cells on a computer chip and trained them to pilot a flight simulator.
Read full storyCanine Congestion Charge hits Central London
London - (Ass Press): New rules governing the exercising of dogs in public come into force on Monday 12 March which will see a new canine congestion charge imposed on Central London.
Read full storyGambling the West Ham way
Family club West Ham United find themselves in an unwelcome spot of bother, with rumours running rife that the club is awash with indiscipline, depression and losing gambling addictions.
Read full storyBush visits Bogota crack dealer pals
Bogota - (Ass press): Scareforce One has finally touched down at Colombia's Bogota Airport in what is being billed as the highlight of George W Bush's flagship crack barons tour.
Read full storyWhy Chaney Didn't Testify
Defense Attorney's in the Scooter Libby Trial answered questions as to why V.P.Chaney was not called upon to testify for the defense as Chaney is currently off in the Yukon on a hunting trip with Eskimo Rapper - "Yo Bitch Cook the Fish&quo...
Read full storyM.I.T. Challenges President Bush
The Prestigeous Massachusettes Institute of Technology took issue with President Bush and his treatis on Nuclear Physics.
Read full storyCameron Wants His Membership Of The Bullingdon Club "Hushed Up"
It's no wonder the Tories didn't want David Cameron's association with the upper class arses' club, The Bullingdon, made too public when photographs of him in full club regalia recently came to light.
Read full storyGiant Squid Found, Says Mankind Are "The Worst Seekers Ever"
Most Giant Squid remains have been found in the stomachs of Sperm Whales. This has led some of the stupider Marine Biologists to theorize that the belly of the Sperm Whale is in fact the natural habitat of the Giant Squid. Finally, today, we have p...
Read full storyBatman Gets All - Star Cast, Katie Holmes Leaves
The next Batman movie already promises to be better than the last with the news that Katie Holmes has quit the production.
Read full storyBarcelona and Real Madrid in Incredible, Amazing, Outstanding Match...Neither Win.
In what has been touted as a 'classic' Super Classico, neither Barcelona or Real Madrid have managed to actually win.
Read full storyZion Oil prospectors want Passover Island name change
Wacko, Texarse - (Assinine Press): Texan oil prospecting midget Zion Oil has asked the UN to rename the Pacific Ocean's most intriguing archaeological site Passover Island after claims that the Lost Tribe of Israel annexed it thousands of years a...
Read full storyTyler Hansbrough through the heart of darkness resurrected
Watching yesterday's game against Boston College, it was evident that the power forward for the North Carolina Tarheels nicknamed, "Psycho T" was getting his game back.
Read full storyEnd of prohibition in the US comes as news to remote Scottish island
A Scottish whiskey distiller on the Isle of Islay, an island off the coast of western Scotland is to reopen 80 years after it was closed as a consequence of US prohibition laws introduced in 1920. Prohibition ended in 1933, but it has taken 74 years...
Read full storyChaney and Eskimo bag Walrus
Vice President Cheney and Eskimo Rapper "Yo Bitch Cook The Fish" went off on a hunting trip to the Yukon following the Libby verdict, and apparently have bagged a Walrus.
Read full storyFlintstone fans up in arms as James Cameron shakes their bedrock
Easter Island has been discovered to be the actual location of the town of Bedrock, long thought to be fictional, according to new archaeological evidence to be presented in a forthcoming documentary by James Cameron.
Read full storyDib Dib Dib? More Like Fib Fib Fib!
Well beat me with a wet lettuce and call me Shirley!...
Read full storyStephen King To Work With New Genre
Celebrated horror and suspense novelist Stephen King has decided to try his hand at another genre. In the past, he has written such things as Carrie, Cujo, Christine, Silver Bullet, The Lawnmower Man, The Stand, and several other books that were gen...
Read full storySanta Claus Has North Pole, Bunny Has His Easter Island
For centuries, archaeologists have had it wrong. Such eminent scientists as Margaret Mead and Thor Heyerdahl have theorized that the giant stone statues of Easter Island are actually Gods of the people or represtantions of former tribal leaders. In...
Read full storyNCAA Announces Brackets for Basketball Tournament
The NCAA has announced the brackets for their annual March Madness tournament, but with a twist. All 64 teams in the tournament will come from the Big East, ACC, SEC, Big Ten, Pac 10, and Big Twelve. All other conference winners and represtentative...
Read full storyEaster island: Incest eggs orgy shame
Easter island- This small isolated outcrop of rock stranded in the vast blue desert of the pacific ocean is known the world over for its mysterious giant stone heads and its barren treeless hills.
Read full storyEaster Island Chocolate Candy Recalled
LUNDON, ENGLUND (IPU)--Cadbury, the British candy manufacturer, has announced a recall of some 30 million tons of Easter Island Statue candy not properly labeled with warnings for those with bad backs & herni...
Read full storyEaster Island Statues Actually Petrified Peeps
Archaeologists on Easter Island have made an incredible discovery in relation to the large statues. They have learned through research and chemical analysis that the large faces are actually petrified peeps (the Easter candy). Scientists assumed fo...
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