China Developing Human Computer Chips

Funny story written by Skews Me

Sunday, 11 March 2007

image for China Developing Human Computer Chips

In 2004, researchers from the University of Florida grew mouse brain cells on a computer chip and trained them to pilot a flight simulator.

A spokesman for Tsinghua University in China announced yesterday that researchers there had successfully repeated the experiment using human cells.

"Teaching the unit to guide a missile was accomplished in only a fraction of the time it took the mouse culture to learn the task. The human tissue has exceeded our greatest expectations. When we combined the heuristic processes of the biological material with the raw computing power of silicon, we were quickly able to create a fingerprint identification system surpassing even the United States' capabilities.

"Preliminary tests with facial and auditory recognition have been promising. We are currently in the process of acquiring technologies from the American NASA Space Program that would allow our units to see through disguises as well as display brain activity and read subvocal speech from a distance."

"Mass production of next generation airport security is close."

Tomorrow, the Chinese university plans to announce a new international grant program focused on increasing the longevity of their cybernetic devices.

There has been some controversy regarding the school's use of human brain cells. A small contingent of Western protestors in front of the college waved placards reading "Soul Stealers" and "Out of your mind!"

Copyright © 2007, SkewsMe

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more