Wacko, Texarse - (Assinine Press): Texan oil prospecting midget Zion Oil has asked the UN to rename the Pacific Ocean's most intriguing archaeological site Passover Island after claims that the Lost Tribe of Israel annexed it thousands of years ago and hid substantial oil deposits under some crudely-carved marker stones.
The company's CEO, John Brown, has come under fierce opposition from a number of sources including rival theological claims that the island monument is an early example of a Creationist museum.
But he is sticking to his guns amid rumors that initial geological testing has found a giant oil field whose exact dimensions are easily computed by decoding the geometric alignment of the island's standing stone sculptures.
Attorneys acting for the Zion Oil Corporation have filed legal documents at the UN showing that before his death last year, Chile's General Pinochet gave the Island to John Brown. Easter Island is a Chilean protectorate and the deal bartered a percentage of future oil revenues against a one thousand year lease made out to Brown.
Although Zion's efforts to find oil in Israel itself have resulted in nothing more than universal derision, Brown is bullish about his latest claims.
The destruction of the Island's statues - which carry World Heritage Site status protection - would be necessary for prospecting to begin. But Brown has offered to recast these in a realistic-looking plastic/polyurethane amalgam and reposition them in Wacko, Texas in a new theme park he is building.
This is modelled along the lines of the Kentucky Creationist Museum in a move to satisfy all parties' interests in the Island and to preserve for ever it's unique heritage.
The Reverend Pat Robertson, 73, is believed to be a shareholder.
