Judge Orders Government to Pay $101M for Wrongful Convictions framed by George W Bush
Boston, Mass - (Ass Mess): US District Judge Nancy Gertner ruled today that the government must pay $101.7 million compensattion to the families of four men that George W Bush framed along with bent FBI agents for the 1965 gangland murder of Edward D...
Read full storyNo more thongs, g-strings or split-crotch rubber panties at Tennessee jails
Memphis, Tennessee - (Ass Mess): The Tennessee Department of Correction has clamped down hard on visitors' provocative underwear.
Read full storyPsychiatrists Will Attempt to Change Light Bulb
Belleview, New York (IP) - Psychiatrists at this famous psychiatric hospital will attempt to change a light bulb.
Read full storyDiogenetic Scientists Seek Woman with a Sense of Humor
Mt Palomar, California (IP) - Scientists from this campus have set loose a team of specialists to seek out a woman with a sense of humor. This team is composed of all damn Mexicans because of the rising cost of hiring English speaking technicians at...
Read full storyChiefs of Los Angeles Police and Fire Departments make bold changes aimed at lowering reported crime and fires
June 21, 2007 Ed Soks, General Manager of LA Animal Services R Us, sent out a press release stating that they will only accept animals from the public during a small inconvenient window of time midweek. He did this in the hopes of reducing his euthan...
Read full storyScientist Create Objects From Reverse Farting
Bean City, Florida (IP) - Scientists are using reverse flatulence to create solid objects. The first object created was a bean which seems related to pork and beans according to its molecular structure.
Read full storyFears Grow for Game as Arsenal Takeover Imminent
Apprehension was growing today that a bid by Formula One supremo Barmie Ecclescake may signal the start of a spate of takeovers by British nationals for Premiership clubs.
Read full storyU.S. must pay $1.00 to men framed by FBI
BOSTON, Massachusetts (Rooters) -- A federal judge Thursday ordered the government to pay more than $1.00 in the case of four men who spent decades in prison for a 1965 charge of stealing a block of cheese after the FBI withheld evidence of their in...
Read full storySnoop Dogg: Michael Vick is innocent
Hip-hop sensation Snoop Doggy Dog took time off from his court battle against Snoopy the dog to say that his friend is innocent of all dog fighting charges. "The entire Dog Pound is behind him." Greg 'the sniffle' Biffle said, &qu...
Read full storyBush announces his plan to destroy America
According to White House sources, President George W. Bush has begun a campaign to destroy the U.S. economy in order to combat illegal immigration and terrorism.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan busted with the fine white sugar
Today Lindsay Lohan managed to make a bigger fool of herself than most people thought possible. She has been caught driving intoxicated (again) and possessed several bags of powdered substance thought to be crack cocaine.
Read full storyTop 4 Reasons I Hate My Weatherman
Here are the top four reasons why I hate my weatherman.
Read full storyDow plunges 200 points amid Bush disgusting rumor fears
New York - (Ass Mess): Wall Street reacted sharply Thursday amid persistent rumors that George W Bush is to be outed for deliberately leaning on British prosecutors to quash the cash-for-peerages police investigation which last week exonerated ex-UK...
Read full storyThe kitty they call Dr Death
Providence, Rhode Island - (Ass Mess): Providence, an olden-English word meaning "foreseeing care and guidance of God Almighty or of nature over the creatures of the earth", is generally associated with good-fortune and maybe a gu...
Read full storyRotting foot and mouth corpse burial grounds add to flood misery
England - (Rioters): Enlightened Department for Afgriculture, Fisheries and Food policies to bury over 50 million farm animal corpses following the 2001 mad cow disease and the foot and mouth outbreaks are threatening to poison the entire nation as f...
Read full storyBill O'Reilly Calls Kettle Black, Pots Run For Cover
After successfully grounding Jet Blue for sponsoring a Daily KOS conference, O'Reilly shouted down what he claims is hate speech on the site. Comparing the unedited posts on the site to hate speech by David Duke, O'Reilly collectively offended liberals and neo-Nazis alike in one fell swoop. In doing so, the normally savvy pundit severely damaged his image, appearing more like a cranky, old...
Read full storyThames Water imposes hosepipe ban
Thames Valley, UK - (Ass Mess): As South East England drinking water supplies trickled to an all-time low today Thames Water has vowed to impose a hosepipe ban to avert a predicted national disaster.
Read full storyLeeds United To Start New Season Minus A Goalkeeper
Leeds United, the once-great giants of European football, as well as the English domestic game, face starting their League One campaign without a recognised custodian of the net.
Read full storyWaiter at P.F. Chang's Doesn't Know What "P.F." Stands For
BURBANK, Calif. (Heewack News Network) -- A waiter at a P.F. Chang's China Bistro in Burbank Town Center failed to inspire confidence in his customers when he could not tell them what the "P.F." stood for.
Read full storyTricky Ricky Stripped of NASCAR Trophy
DAYTONA - The trophy that sat on the mantle in the log cabin of the Trickster was forcibly removed by NASCAR officials yesterday. Ricky, who won the race by a margin of 55 laps, was disqualified for driving the last ten laps in reverse. A pit-crew...
Read full storyCat "senses death" in reincarnation mystery
A US cat that is reportedly able to sense when a nursing home's residents are about to die is baffling doctors. Shipman the cat has a habit of curling up next to patients at the home in Providence, Rhode Island, in their final hours.
Read full story'02 Arena' Bought Out - Renamed 'Tesco Big White Tent Thing'
LONDON - Yes. We all knew it. The O2 Arena in London, previously called the Millennium Doom - I mean - Dome, has been been bought out by a conglomerate of two firms. The first, with a 49% stake in the pie is the groc...
Read full storyNews International suprise bid for TheSpoof.com
Rupert Murdocks News International have stunned the Stock Exchange by offering an undisclosed sum for the highly acclaimed website TheSpoof.com.
Read full storyIndian Govt. announces voting to gauge public-opinion on national issues
(Delhi,India - Hajh Times) After Taj Mahal's selection as one of the 7 wonders of the world, the Indian Government has announced public-voting to gauge public opinion on issues of national importance. Furthermore, the Government, along with a few international bodies, have also decide to settle, once and for all, the issue of whether or not public voting is a fair mechanism to choose the wonde...
Read full storySADO Olympics get the go-ahead
The International Olympics Committee (I.O.C. ) have given the go-ahead for the Steroid and Drugtakers Olympics to take place.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's Drug Possession a "Misunderstanding"
Lindsay Lohan straightened out the rumors that she was driving drunk, under suspension and in possession of cocaine.
Read full storyECB to consider underwater 20/20 match
Following the decimation of the County 20/20 competition the ECB has announced it is to organise an Underwater 20/20 knock out cup.
Read full storySmoker's rebellion: Apes used in terror campaign
In a bizarre twist to the TITS (Tobacco Is The Shit) terror campaign of smoking ban disobedience, a breakaway group, known as the Real TITS, have been placing large apes in public houses and are encouraging them to smoke. Landlords are powerless to s...
Read full storySave The Smoker
Breaking News (Bumble Bee Corporation) - A new Charity has been set up after studies have revealed that Smokers are an endangered species. The study also maintains that within as little as 5 years there will be no smokers left.
Read full storyBig Brother House To Take In Flood Victims
DAY 58: Channel 4 last night announced that it is to help with the flooding crisis sweeping Britain at the moment, by allowing six newly-made-homeless people enter the Big Brother Ho...
Read full storyTheSpoof.com writer to be disciplined
A regular writer for TheSpoof.com was today carpeted by bosses for having admitted being drunk, and then filing a completely false story that senior managers called "A catalogue of lies and deception"...
Read full storyGod dies live on internet: "Bullocks" say Welsh
Shambo, the Hindu God was today removed from his place in front of a webcam, to another place, and unritualistically slaughtered, much to the chagrin of his many followers. Many of those followers had not heard of his existence several weeks ago, but...
Read full storyTour de France In Disarray As 'Clean Rider' Is Discovered
The Tour de France cycle race was thrown into more chaos last night when it was discovered that one of the cyclists was completely free from drugs.
Read full storyRetired Muppet may not be headed to Atlanta afterall
ATLANTA (Reuterus) - The Center for Puppetry Arts in Atlanta has agreed to accept "The Muppet Show" collection from the family of creator Jim Henson, with one exception.
Read full story'Hand of God' appears out of Left Field to thwart Barry Bonds Home Run Record Attempt
SAN FRANCISCO (Lumberg) - The 'Hand of God' repeatedly made an appearance on Wednesday, preventing Barry Bonds from hitting any further home runs.
Read full storyGeorge W.Bush caught naked with Paris Hilton and smoking marijuana
Washington D.C. (Rooters) - George W.Bush was caught naked in the back of his limo with party girl Paris Hilton. He was on his way to a meeting with the vice president when it happened.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Starts Celebrity Movement Against DUI Laws
With the recent DUI troubles of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, a celebrity movement is forming to push back against stiff DWI laws. Lindsay Lohan has become something of a poster child for the movement due to her late...
Read full storyFord Going Retro?
Ford Motor Company (NYSE: F) may be taking the retro concept to a new level if industry rumors are correct. Insiders say that Ford has plans to introduce a new line of cars going all the way back to the original vehicles produced by...
Read full storyAnti-Bigotry Drug Shows Promise
Medical journals have reported that early trials of a new anti-bigotry drug have shown promising results. The drug, known as "antiprej", was recently tested on a group of Bush Administration policymakers and officials from some well-known...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan, "I'm An Innocent Victim!" Paris Hilton responds, "Yeah right!"
Lindsay Lohan has been caught again, this time after a second stint of rehab. Lohan was allegedly arrested for cocaine possession and DUI, but she has strongly proclaimed her innocence. "I strongly proclaim my innocence," said Lohan, "...
Read full storyPrince Charles Endorses Ron Paul!
Prince Charles today shocked the British public by endorsing a U.S. Presidential candidate and pledging several lesser known pieces of the Royal Crown Jewels to be auctioned as a fundraiser for American Ron Paul.
Read full storyThe World Ended and WE Didn't Notice
While no one was looking, the world ended. The vast and most intriguing proof of this termination of all that is good and/or holy is the presence of the (I have to borrow from a movie title here) 'Scent of a Woman'. Quietly and with a vehemence...
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