Japan Develops Innovative Female Sex Toy
SUKMA, WIGWAG, JAPAN - From the country that's brought us, Kabuki Dancers, Bonsai Trees, Karate, Sushi and Pokemon, have now come up with the ultimate sex partner. Developed at Suzuki Laboratories University Tech (SLUT),...
Read full storyUK Chancellor Orders Takeover of London Wheel in 'Brown Eye' Scandal
The UK chancellor Gordon Brown has ordered the London Millennium Wheel to be given to the government. The 135m high wheel, the world's tallest, is also known as the London Eye. It has carried over 15 million passengers and by overcharging an obsc...
Read full storyLondon Introduces Robot Policemen
For many years now there have been problems with recruitment in the UK capital's police force, but until now the London Metropolitan force has always relied on humans for its day-to-day policing.
Read full storyOne of Our Statues is Missing
New York, NY - (Rioters): Disproving the truism that there's no such thing as a free lunch-eating statue, thieves have stolen one of eleven life-size figures by Manhattan sculptor Sergio Furnari based on an iconic 1932 photograph by Charles C Ebb...
Read full storyFrench Government to stop obese Americans at French Airports
The French government delivered what is widely regarded as a calculated snub to America today when Jaques Chiracs ruling party passed legislation through the senate enabling immigration officers to refuse entry to passengers disembarking from trans A...
Read full storyMichelangelo's David Turns Up On Antiques Roadshow
The Art world is in a right state today as a rough early version 'work in progress' sculpture of Michelangelo's David has turned up at a TV antique show in Shepton Mallet.
Read full storyBeckham Rejects Cruise Scientology Offer
Hollywood midget and sofa-stomping weirdo Tom Cruise has failed in a bid to recruit new neighbour David Beckham to his infamous Scientology cult.
Read full storyEd-E-torial Number 10: George Bush's Talks Iraq In At Wal-Mart.
(New York--NY) Welcome Dear Friends and Respected Enemies and, yes, you too George Bush. It's Ed-E-torial #10. Yes, we've hit double digits. Or as we like to call it: "The one where Wheelchair Bobby let's you speak to George W. Bush."...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Goes Into Rehab
Los Angeles (QWERTY NEWS) - Lindsay Lohan has finally gone into rehab for porn addiction. "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my deviant addiction," said the 20-year-old actress, according to her publicist.
Read full storyNational Bullying Helpline bids for Celebrity Big Brother sponsorship
London - (Rotters): The UK's National Bullying Helpline has stepped into the controversy surrounding accusations of foul racist abuse and victimisation on Channel 4's Celebrity Pig Brother reality TV show with offers to sponsor the programme...
Read full storyBig Brother - Jermaine's Tattoo
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Jermaine has had his hairline turned into a permanent fixture by means of a tattoo etched all around his face!...
Read full storyBNP backs Celebrity Big Brother moron
London - (Rotters): The British National Party has joined the Celebrity Big Brother row by admitting the show's number one foul-mouthed moronic bullying old slag is a pin-up girl in their London HQ office where she appears topless in a poster adv...
Read full storyWhitehouse call in 'Vagina Whisperer' as Barbara's bush continues to fail.
With the stress of the Iraq war and the President's recent decline in popularity, the strain is showing on the First Lady's fanny. A Whitehouse spokesman has confirmed that the presidential vagina has been ill for many days and things have re...
Read full storyBritain wins gold in Mastabatory Championship
Monkey spankers everywhere were celebrating the success of Bob Fidget in the World Mastabatory Championships. Bob brought the gold back to Britain, after an absence of thirty years, with a dazzling display of world class wanking.
Read full storyChimp Haven immaculate conception mystery deepens
Keithville, Louisiana - (ReUterus): Zoologists are baffled at the unexplained birth of a young baby chimpanzee at the Chimp Haven animal sanctuary following the sterilization of all males at the 81-hectare retirement home for apes who have previously...
Read full storyBush/Blair - High as Nuns on Acid
George 'dubya' and Tony 'double0' took their relationship one step further today as they dropped acid together, and stared into each other's eyes claiming to be able to see their maker.
Read full storyCelebrity Big Brother chicken row sparks World War 3
There were riots in Deli and Bombay is under marshall law as people took to the streets to protest about a channel 4 program which purportedly promotes racism.
Read full storyMore Weather Chaos As Terror Group Strikes Again
The crackpot pressure group the Misty Action Warriors are once more claiming to have brought weather misery to the UK...
Read full storyThe Day I Realised My Father Was Ordinary
I was at a Hampstead dinner party the other evening with some Australian and South African friends enjoying a magnificent spread of dried fish and exotic branches, and talking at length abite the hideous cruelty my father inflicted upon us all. A monocled neighbour, invited out of misguided politeness, was gnawing at a leg of lamb.
Read full storyNew Woolly Mammoth Link to Spread of England Shirts
SCIENCE DESK - The National Society for the Advancement of Technological Techniques has unearthed new facts about how the brave English created the world, so there.
Read full storyMutant Ninja Pandas March on Beijing - Bush Informed
BEIJING - China's controversial Panda breeding programme was thrown into chaos today when a unit of highly intelligent mutant ninja pandas broke out of the high security panda factory where they were being bred to be flogged to panda-less zoos ac...
Read full story35th Anniversary Surprise
Petunia and I reached the crowning glory of thirty five years of martial, I mean , marital bliss! Forty dollars worth of roses and a meal she could have cook for 1/10th the price at the local gourmet cafeteria and we were back home to await the dessert and gift our beloved offspring had planned. Usually Petunia had to nag,remind and blackmail the freeloading hoboes to come up with some lame sign o...
Read full storyBrown takes over Downing Street
"Labour must admit Iraq errors, say ministers Acknowledgement may come when Brown takes over."...
Read full storyUse Email Etiquette to Hide Your Incompetence
Are you concerned that your colleagues may catch on to your rampant incompetence? Always paying for drinks and giving your boss foot massages will only work for so long. Using proper email etiquette is an effective way to fool coworkers into overlooking your obvious lack of skills, motivation, and proper grooming. Here are some email etiquette hints.
Read full storyL.A. Soccer Moms Plan to Send Posh Packing
Victoria Beckham is finding out that being beautiful and successful as well as being one-half of a celeb couple is not enough to impress soccer moms in L.A.
Read full storyHackers Hit Match.com; Make Inappropriate Matches
Online dating site Match.com was hit by hackers who scrambled the relationship logic in order to make thousands of matches that are doomed to failure. Match.com is the world's largest online dating site, and prides itself on being able to find l...
Read full storyCelebrity Big Brother Proves Big Bother
Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother may be creating an international incident because of charges that Bollywood Star, Shilpa Shetty was subjected to racist comments by three of his white housemates.
Read full storyClinton Fails to Satisfy Iraqi Critics;Blow to Presidential Longings says The Guardian
The Guardian cleverly used the words "failed to satisfy", "blow" and "longings" in an article that purrrrported to be about Hillary Clinton and the War in Iraq. Regular readers of The Guardian already know that no articl...
Read full storyThousands Try Out to Be New Coca Cola Polar Bear
Thousands of polar bears flooded the Atlanta airport this week, rushing to the Coca Cola offices to try out to be the new advertising mascot. The position is vacant due to the scandal of the old bear, Cookie, having an out of wedlock child with the...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Purchase Home Together
Actor Brad Pitt and girlfriend, actress Angelina Jolie (known to the public as "Brangelina") have just purchased a $3.5 million dollar home together in New Orleans. The house has an address in the French Quarter and has six bedrooms.
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Checks Herself Into Rehab
Actress and media personality Lindsay Lohan checked herself into a rehab program for alcohol abuse Wednesday afternoon. Lohan will be a new patient at the Wonderland Center in the Los Angeles, California area.
Read full storyWarriors and Pistons Trade Eight Players and More
The Indiana Pacers and the Golden State Warriors just completed a huge NBA trade involving eight basketball players. Indiana will lose All Harrington, Stephen Jackson, Sarunas Jaskevicius, and Josh Powell. The Warriors will lose Troy Murphy, Mike D...
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