Prostitutes File Suit -- Imus Apology an Insult
New York - In a surprising move, local African-American prostitutes, supported by noted civil rights activists Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, announced that they would be filing a class action law suit against embattled ex-radio shock jock,...
Read full storyLarry Birkhead swamped with marriage proposals
Nassau, Bahamas - (Celebrity Mess): Lucky Larry Birkhead. The 34 year old tanned, blonde Californian photographer Daddy of Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn has been "literally inundated" with hundreds of marriage proposals from men a...
Read full storyImus Indignation Inflames Idiots
The firing of veteran shock jock Don Imus by CBS radio has ignited a firestorm of protests by idiots throughout the United States and the world.
Read full storyBush's Good Twin Emerges From The Shadows
Washington, D.C. - In a rare public appearance, George Bush's good twin Cecil held a press conference today pleading with his evil other to resign.
Read full storyBush Shock 'N' Awe tactician top on DC Madam's list of 10,000
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Friday the 13th proved to be an excellent day for Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a Washington woman accused of running a top-notch DC-wide prostitution racket, to begin name-dropping from her 10,000-stong client list.
Read full storyRutgers Accept New Name
The Rutgers women's basketball team met with radio talk show host Don Imus about insensitive comments about their team.
Read full storyVirgin David takes on Sky Goliath
Richard Branson's heroic Virgin Media Group has issued proceedings in the High Court against Rupert Murdoch's Sky Empire following Sky's alleged refusal to sell licences for its channels at a reasonable and fair price. The writ, drafted b...
Read full storyIranian soldier's nightmare at hands of Brit sailors
AN IRANIAN soldier ordered to look after one of the 15 British sailors and marines captured in the Shatt al-Arab waterway, has told of the abuse he suffered at the hands of the prisoners during their two-weeks in captivity.
Read full storyHacking fears as International Space Station gets IRISh wi-fi technology
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): Terrist hackers will soon be able to spy on US military operations over the internet as plans to launch a new cyberspace communications vehicle from the International Space Station were released today.
Read full storyGrand National Betting Latest
This year's Aintree Grand National on Saturday will herald a victory for Animal Rights activists who have organised a protest against the race.
Read full storyAston Villa To Be Relegated For Being Boring
In an astonishing move this morning, the Football Association has decided that, at the end of the season, Aston Villa will be relegated from the Premier League, whatever their finishing position in the table.
Read full storyCruise Charged for Jumping too much
The famous and well known Tom Cruise has been charged by police for 'disrupting peace' on the streets of Hollywood. The superstar was caught frightening innocent civilians as he jumped on and off benches claiming everything is awesome.
Read full storyResist urge to punish me Blair tells cash-for-honors cops
Drowning Street - (Ass Mess): UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has urged Scotland Yard to resist giving him "a good kicking" ahead of rumored further arrests in the cash-for-honors scam that saw his gatekeeper, his blind trust portfolio bagman a...
Read full storyDe Niro Says No...
'I'm sorry... I can't do it... not now, not ever!' These were the words uttered by Robert De Niro after he was offered the role of The Joker in the new Batman-vehicle projected for sometime in 2008, with Christian Bale and Michael Cai...
Read full storyHalle Berry: My chatroom hell
Hollywood - (Assinine Press): Perfect Stranger actress Halle Berry has told of her hellish online chatroom experiences where despite pleas of anonymity she has been exposed as an attention-grabbing twited deviant masquarading as a bonafide blogger.
Read full storyCurse of Imus strikes NJ Governor Corzine
Camden, New Jersey - (Rotters): Former Goldman Sax CEO and incumbent New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine won't be walking normally for a good few months according to doctors treating him at Cooper University Hospital.
Read full storyIt's Official - Philately Will Get You Nowhere
It's official: Philately will get you nowhere - at least as far as members of the opposite sex are concerned...
Read full storyMy Friday the 13th Fear$: Virgie Arthur
Nassau, Bahamas - (Reuterus): Virgie Arthur is running out of $$$$ in her protracted legal fight for a share of the headlines in baby grand daughter Dannielynn's custody hearing scheduled for today Friday the 13th of April.
Read full storyScientists find Farting Gene
Scientists have discovered a rogue gene which makes people fart in public.
Read full storyDon Imus Hired As Iraq War Poster Boy
WASHINGTON D.C.--(WAR BEAT) One day after being fired from his 30 year gig at CBS Corp., Don Imus got a call from his country to be the new face and communicator for the war effort in Iraq. President George W. Bush h...
Read full storyGod puts chicken protein in dinosaur bones to test our faith.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Lord God has been up to his old tricks again with his "always amusing" moving in mysterious ways.
Read full storyI am Not a Vickweed
Hello Friends. My name is Michael Dwayne Vick. I'd like to be recognized for one of my many fine accomplishments:...
Read full storyITV News At Ten's Sir Trevor McDonald To Say "And Finally..." Again
One of Britain's best-known forgotten faces is to make a miraculous TV comeback later this year, when Sir Trevor McDonald will once again front the News at Ten programme. Sir Trevor, who is also Head of McShit, the unscrupulous fast food company,...
Read full storyBuster and the Baby Angel, Chapter 17
What could be more reprehensible than the sweat-soaked carcass of a crusty clown upon waking from a frighteningly wonderful dream dream?! Buster was this awful thing and yet his slick appearance and the rosy glow from his dream ecstacy lent a new magnetism to the crass comedian. . . and that is what seemed to draw the flower-like Lilly Marlenya. It was as if the shining resin on the skin of the st...
Read full storyFrosty Runs for Republican Nomination!
Frosty the Snowman believes that his time is now - What better attack on Gorebal Warming than to run a snowman for office? Frosty, Republicans hope, will offer a fresh new image of what a Republican can bring to the oval office.
Read full storyHeliocopter 1 Rescues Suicidal Laura Bush
Long believed to be a bright if dull woman married to a dumb if dull husband, librarian Laura Bush finally succumbed to the despair of being trapped in a marriage with a mass murderer. Witnesses on the banks of the Potomac reported that the First Lad...
Read full storyBaboon's Bum: New Republican Icon
After the midterm election fiasco and the fund-lowering accomplishments of Republican hopeless, the elephant in the Republican living room at the White House is out and the Baboon's Butt is in! Republican Party Chairmonkey, CoCo signed to reporte...
Read full story'BOLAM' Supercomputer Forges Ahead
The latest supercomputer from Microsoft - 'BOLAM' - has astonished scientists by calculating at the speed of light AND fabricating a useful toolbox from scraps of old tin. BOLAM - the acronym stands for Bent Old Lumbago And Mucus - is the fir...
Read full storyProtein extracted from ancient George Burns fossil
Scientists at the Imperial University of Frederikstown reported today that they have at last managed to extract a small amount of intact protein from an ancient George Burns fossil (estimated to be between 100,000,000 and 230,000,000 years old).
Read full story