The latest supercomputer from Microsoft - 'BOLAM' - has astonished scientists by calculating at the speed of light AND fabricating a useful toolbox from scraps of old tin. BOLAM - the acronym stands for Bent Old Lumbago And Mucus - is the first of a new generation of computers which, although fabricated entirely from wood, can combine lengthy iterative manipulations with basic handicraft.
The inventor of the new electronic brain, schoolteacher Holam Bolam, said of his device, "It's canny, like. It even surprised ME when I was nailing it together. This voice came out of the speaker I'd fastened on with some special glue, and said 'How - BOLAM - the forge is ganna blaa up, mind'. At first I didn't understand the strange language, but then I realised I'd programmed my OWN voice into its wires and that. It was MY voice coming out".
Following the presentation of BOLAM at the World Machines Fair in Skegness, acclaimed computer expert and buffing-machine wizard Professor 'Keyboards' Pinder said of it, "BOLAM is the first of these special computers to be of practical value. Them ones what just do sums are alright, but they can't actually MAKE things. With BOLAM, we're combining the best of both worlds, y'knaa?. Only last week, BOLAM calculated the square root of three and a half - AND it made a scissors-rack for the kitchen. Not even NASA have an equivalent contraption, and they've got loads of money - we had to raffle some old benches to get our funding".
Computer fans can see BOLAM at the University Of Europe Devices Laboratory until the end of this month, after which it will be turned into a record-player and stamped on by some vandals.