Written by Noshing Mink

Friday, 13 April 2007

image for Virgin David takes on Sky Goliath
Sky spokesman denies wrongdoing

Richard Branson's heroic Virgin Media Group has issued proceedings in the High Court against Rupert Murdoch's Sky Empire following Sky's alleged refusal to sell licences for its channels at a reasonable and fair price. The writ, drafted by a leading QC, cites "scummy tactics" and "douche bag behaviour".

A sexy Virgin spokeswoman said that Sky tripled the subscription fee for Sky One, Sky News and Sky Sports, which was simply unfair. "What they did was nothing short of blackmail. It is true that they offered to reduce by one-third the subscription costs for three other Sky channels, but these were the Wallpaper Channel, the Carpet Channel and the Ceiling Channel, which, as everyone knows, really suck."

We conducted a telephone interview of a spokesman for Sky, whose name we can't remember so we will call him Ernst Stavros Blofeld. Mr. Blofeld told us over a crackly line "Sky haz done nussing wrong. Vee ver just negoziating, ja? Ve cannot help it if ze negoziators from Vergen are pussies, can ve?" The nice former virgin spokeswoman told me the next morning that Sky's negotiating tactics had included threatening to break the legs of the Virgin Media negotiating team and burn down their houses.

She laudably added "Virgin would like to apologise to all of its viewers for the inconvenience that has resulted from the loss of the Sky channels, particularly Sky One, and the fact that we had to replace it with the Hallmark Channel and UK Living. We did not know at the time that the Hallmark Channel shows non-stop repeats of Diagnosis Murder. As for UK Living, we have had many complaints of viewers sick of the sight of the so-called Charmed Ones."

We re-interviewed Mr. Blofeld who we think said "Ha ha ha ha ha" and probably made a very rude gesture at us which we couldn't see down the phone line.

Richard Branson is a well-known philanthropist and good guy, unlike Rupert Murdoch, the Evil Emperor of Sky.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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