Iranian soldier's nightmare at hands of Brit sailors

Funny story written by MickyW

Friday, 13 April 2007

image for Iranian soldier's nightmare at hands of Brit sailors
British navy prisoners gave Iranian captors what for

AN IRANIAN soldier ordered to look after one of the 15 British sailors and marines captured in the Shatt al-Arab waterway, has told of the abuse he suffered at the hands of the prisoners during their two-weeks in captivity.

In an interview televised by Arabian TV and news network Al Jazeera, Lance Corporal Yous al Shudavbindere tearfully claimed he was either ignored or verbally abused by the prisoners before, to his relief, president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad granted their release.

Shudavbindere said: "We were instructed to treat the prisoners with the utmost respect and as long as Allah is my witness I did just as I was ordered.

"My English pretty good as I studied for an English degree at Cambridge and in all my two years in England I've never heard language like it.

"One day I was told to give what is known in England as a Ploughman's Lunch to the woman sailor Faye Turney and she told me to [talking in bizarre hybrid cockney/Middle Eastern accent], 'faarrrk oorrrf mate, I ain't eating none of your dodgy chow. You ain't getting nuffing from me so faarrrrk right orrrrf.

"She then started singing the National Anthem. It was most bizarre!"

In another incident, Shudavbindere claimed one of the male prisoners called him a "tosser" and refused to adhere to commands to say they had been caught in enemy territory and were being treated well for an international broadcast by Iranian TV.

The sailor then refused to eat another decent meal the food-loving Iranian had conjured up for him in the mess kitchen.

"After refusing the interview his insolence was unbelievable. He was a handsome man and looked like he could do with a meal, especially after we'd kept him awake for 48 hours non-stop.

"But he still refused to eat the steak and kidney pudding, mash, peas and gravy I'd prepared for him - and that took me ages to make from a recipe Iearnt from my English landlady Mrs Howe."

"Talk of stiff British upper lip" added Shudavbindere. "He just wouldn't conform - he soon shut up when we threatened to electrocute him by the balls though, but that was the last thing we wanted to do.

"Thankfully he polished off the food without any problems after that which was most pleasing - have you ever smelt singed pubic hair? It's a most unpleasant smell."

The incidents have left Shudavbindere suffering from depression and he has been put on extended leave by his superiors.

He said: "I loved it in the army and the uniforms were great and the feeling of power was great and some of the torture was right up my street, but I don't know if I could go back and don't know how I'd handle another bunch of rowdy ill-mannered English prisoners."

British Defense Secretary Des Browne said the marines and sailors had behaved appropriately during and after their time in captivity.

He said: "You have seen for yourself these are very young people.

"I think they have acted with immense courage and dignity during the time that they have been detained and, indeed, presented before the media of the world. Oh, and the Iranians can go fuck 'emselves."

TheSpoof.com approached the Royal Navy crew for their comments but were refused A saying they'd sold the stories of their immense bravery during their time in captivity to the nationals for sums of up to £100,000.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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