Acclaimed monkey lady, Jane Goodall, has invested her life savings from monkeying around in Africa for all those years in a string of Banana Shops, after deciding there just aren't enough banana shoppes in the world. "I suppose we should have seen…
Washington, DC - If you've been wondering what VP Harris has been up too since solving the border crisis, the wait is over. On Friday, Biden held a press conference in the Rose Garden, to explain that his VP has been busy training the first dogs i…
Houston, TX - According to sources close to the new richest man in the world, he begrudgingly had to order a small part for his next rocket launch from the man that used to be the richest man in the world. 'He had to smoke 2 joints before he hit t…
Edinburgh, Scotland - I'm reporting from Edinburgh because I can't get anywhere near Glasgow. It's a total mess. Barricades and Covid checkpoints up the wazoo! Who knew that's a Scottish expression? Regardless, a member of the Polish delegation t…
Melania Trump (remember her?) put out a semi coherent press release today, saying that Joe Biden has stolen her famous catch phrase. Just when the world had assumed that she had been killed, after her usefulness as a first lady robot had worn off,…
D.C - Prez Biden suspended the horses that were involved in the Great Western rodeo roundup of Haitian migrants trying to cross the Texas border last week. Officially, it was the 'use of horses' at the border that got suspended, after viral vide…
Washington, D.C.—Climate scientists all agree that food waste is a massive contributor to methane, which goddamnit, also causes global warming. Just in time for Glasgow's big COP26 Climate Meeting, Biden has a plan to make it all go away. And ye…
Tokyo, Japan - The Toyota Motor Corporation unleashed a new commercial today, marketed towards Authoritarian regimes and Dictators around the globe. The commercial plays heavily on the recent success of the Taliban in Afghanistan. A victory that c…
Augusta, GA - With a record setting number of players from south of the US border this year, TV announcers at TheMasters seem to be going out of their way to make sure that the more southerly hillbilly fans don't call Immigration's 'See Something, Sa…
Pittsburg, PA - On Tuesday, Biden laid out an ambitious infrastructure plan to get every single American moving again. Those of us above ground—and basement dwellers, alike. Digging deeper into the nearly 25 thousand page bill, he meant it, too!…
Ploppington-Upon-Tyne, UK - Willie Mayket was amazed when he looked down to see the shear size of his daily morning turd. "It's bloddy massive, init?" he told reporters, trying to show us pictures. "If it's anything like the situation I'm dealing…
Irvine, CA - Taco Bell is always trying to gain global market share in the profitable 'crappy food' market, and they have seen steady profits with their bizarre international menu. In Japan, you can get a Octopusadilla. In Italy, you'll find taco-…
Washington, D.C.- After a stirring and emotionally short speech on Monday, acknowledging half-a-million U.S. Covid-19 deaths, President Biden then ordered a more drastic step, signing into law what officials are calling, The Flagpole Act. After co…
Lesbos, Greece - Refugees at the infamously wretched refugee camp on the Greek island bordering Turkey, tell the international Press willing to go there that Tom Petty's 1980 classic rock hit "You Don't Have To Live Like A Refugee" is sometimes playe…
London, England - After years of insinuation and speculation, UK Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, finally admitted that he was, indeed, a bloody Muppet. "Surprise, surprise!" said pretty much everybody. The news came only a day after Kermit The F…
Washington, D.C.- Vice President, Mike Pence, doesn't get the broad powers to pardon prison sentences for his sordid array of scumbag pals. Hell, he doesn't even get to pardon the damn turkey. But on his last day in office, Pence did take the time…
Washington, D.C. - Scooter 'Scoots' Landfield, of Bumblefudge, Mississippi was lost. Lost real, real bad. It happens a lot around D.C. But 'Scoots' didn't even want to be anywhere near D.C. He had been driving from his sister's husband's lobster b…
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