Washington, D.C.- After a stirring and emotionally short speech on Monday, acknowledging half-a-million U.S. Covid-19 deaths, President Biden then ordered a more drastic step, signing into law what officials are calling, The Flagpole Act.
After concluding that simply lowering flags to half-staff for a few days, or a week, or even a month, to honor the deaths, would not be enough, he told all American citizens to go out, with their chainsaws revving, and cut every single flagpole down to half-staff.
"That should start to give you some idea of how big of a crisis we are dealing with here, people. Wear your masks, for god's sake," preached Biden, adding, "And no sneak-up-from-behind shoulder rubs in the office, fellas. C'mon. Use some common sense. Hair sniffing, gone. Foot rubs, maybe... No, gone. Right?"
"And let all those stumpy flagpoles out there across this great land be a reminder of all those we have lost ...because of you-know-who."
Biden officials did seem confused by questions about whether flags would still have to be lowered by half of the new flagpole height. "We will get back to you on that one," was all press secretary, Pantski, would say.
According to White House sources, the Biden administration is also seriously looking into having the Washington Monument turned into a giant candle, with the flame serving as a constant vigil for those who have fallen from Covid-19.
"Or maybe even cut the monument down halfway...what about that?" Joe was overheard saying by a staffer, as he tottered off for an afternoon nap.
...Maybe that plan has a bit of ironing-out left.