Washington, D.C. - Scooter 'Scoots' Landfield, of Bumblefudge, Mississippi was lost. Lost real, real bad. It happens a lot around D.C.
But 'Scoots' didn't even want to be anywhere near D.C. He had been driving from his sister's husband's lobster boat business in Maine, where his brother-in-law had offered him work. 'Well, that didn't pan out too well,' tells Scoots, 'and I was heading back to Mississippi to lick my wounds."
Literally, Scoots was licking a nasty gash on his arm. We asked if he'd stop, but he wouldn't, taking the little saying to new heights.
'Well, happens I had all kinds of ammo in my truck box, even some crazy ass shit I didn't even know'd was in there.' ''What's a snake, bomb, boy?'' Scoots recounted the arresting officer asking at the Capitol check point.
Scoots was trying to scoot around the outside of D.C., but got a little sideway at a construction zone, and somehow ended up only 2 blocks from the Capitol. "Tell ya the truth, I don't give a shoot about politics. I was out on that crazy ass lobster boat, and didn't vote nohow. Didn't care neither. I always thunk politics was a bunch of snooky-doodies, anyhow. I just thought the big dome buildin' would have a bathroom i could use, or a bush or sumpin."
But Scoots won't be making it back to Bumblefudge anytime soon. "We have to make sure he's not a front line, hardcore, Q-freakjob, infantry unit under deep cover," confirmed the arresting Capitol officer. "My suspicion is that its an affirmative."
In the meantime, Scoots was meeting all kinds of crazy new friends in jail who wanted to be his friend, and the things they said about Trump made a lot of sense to Scoots, "No wonder I's always so broke so much a the time? We gotta stop this steal thing! Just like that guy in the horns over there says. I just hope the cops don't find my hardcore barnyard porn under the seat of my 250. Shoot Pelosi! I don't know how my new friends would feel about sheep porn. But the guy in the horns might be into it? Trump Won! Will you ask him for me. But don't make it obvious..."
Good Luck, Scooots!