Ploppington-Upon-Tyne, UK - Willie Mayket was amazed when he looked down to see the shear size of his daily morning turd. "It's bloddy massive, init?" he told reporters, trying to show us pictures.
"If it's anything like the situation I'm dealing with here, I can now fully see why they had so much trouble getting that ship out of the Suez Canal," Mayket conceded.
Apparently, Mr. Mayket, a self-described man-of-the-sea, had been glued to the tele all week, watching for updates on the severely-wedged cargo ship that was holding up billions of dollars in global trade.
"I honestly couldn't see what the bleedin' problem was, yeah? The bloody ship just looks like it got a little sideways. No bother. A couple of tugs here and there should put her straight, and away we go! What's the big deal?"
Willie's girlfriend, Betty Wowent, confirmed that Willie spent most of his time this week poking fun at the stuck ship, saying how it didn't seem like that big of a problem. "I could bloody get it unstuck all by meself with one tugboat, he was sayin'," mocked Ms. Wowent. "But now he can't even unstick a bloody turd in the loo."
A glum Mr. Mayket conceded that his girlfriend was right. After a week of poo-pooing the work of the engineers trying to unstick the ship, Mr. Mayket would have to admit defeat in his own canal blockage—and call a plumber.
"Yep, it's time to make the call," admitted Willie begrudgingly through clenched teeth. "Me and the missus have got ships backing up that bloody well need to get through that canal."
"And I ain't sailing all the way around the horn of Africa just to take a dump!"
"Me neither," confirmed a sweaty Betty, holding her legs together tightly.
Writer's note: never let 3 days of poop back up in your system, it starts to make you say some really weird shit.