Washington, D.C.- Vice President, Mike Pence, doesn't get the broad powers to pardon prison sentences for his sordid array of scumbag pals. Hell, he doesn't even get to pardon the damn turkey.
But on his last day in office, Pence did take the time to make one very small pardon. Although not officially government sanctioned in any way, the VP made the gesture anyway, pardoning the fly that landed on his gleaming white hair and totally fucked up his debate night, making him look like a fool for the next week in the liberal mainstream media.
Although Pence couldn't be sure where the fly was now, or what he'd been up to since the debate, the good christian devotee took the nobel action to forgive the fly for ruining his debate night and probably costing the Republicans the presidency and most certainly ended his own chances at the highest office.
The official pardoning ceremony was attended only by a few of his closest staff, next to the dumpster out back of the White House. Aides threw bags of 'fly'-related mail and artwork that had been sent to the vice-president in mockery. Bags upon bags were heaved into the dumpster and lit afire by Pence himself. They held hands and sung a few hymns from the book of Mathew while the pile burned.
The same fortunes could not be told for the person who, after an intense investigation costing well over $1 million dollars, was deemed to have let the fly into the auditorium in the first place. No, that unfortunate delivery man, who had propped the doors open while delivering jugs of water just a few hours before the debate, was swiftly executed after a shadow military court hearing in Guantanamo Bay. The body was apparently buried at sea so as not to have a shrine for people to worship at.
So Good for you, Mike Pence. Glad to see you are able to move on from politics in any way, shape or form.
And Gracias, fly. We wish you well.
(reporter's note: the trigger to the BBQ lighter was actually pulled by a senior staff member.)