Washington, D.C.—Climate scientists all agree that food waste is a massive contributor to methane, which goddamnit, also causes global warming.
Just in time for Glasgow's big COP26 Climate Meeting, Biden has a plan to make it all go away.
And yes, this one came from his son, Hunter.
Sources say that Hunter convinced his dad that if every household in America had a Labrador Retriever, they could easily chew through the wasted food from people's fridges, as well as all the party binge snacks that get spilled all over the floor.
According to our closely invested source, Hunter also had big plans for what to do with all that dog waste, too.
Papa Biden didn't publicly hype the last part of the plan the way Hunter first envisioned, but the part about America wasting 40% of all its food, did cause him great concern for God's glorious green creation. Letting one of God's best creations, A Labrador Retriever, take care of the problem, was ingenious. Full circle. What could be easier? Stick the food scrap under the table, and poof! Problem solved. Brilliant.
It would be the talk of Glasgow's COP26 climate meeting. Joe couldn't wait to see Greta's reaction. He'd give almost half the credit to Hunter. Well, 30% for sure.
Why couldn't the border problems be that easy to fix? Biden had been overheard saying during Lab speech rehearsals. Maybe Hunter has better ideas than Kamala for that, too? Hunter's best work seemed to come over a bowl of Lucky Charms, our sources tell us.
Those closest to Biden have often said that Joe thought maybe, sometimes, his son Hunter was some sort of biblical figure, like Noah, coming to save them all, through his late night, party-binge philosophies. Joe has been heard saying that, 'Hunter could stare into the swirl of his Lucky Charms like tea leaves, and come up with a solution.'
Hunter was apparently still disappointed about the second part of his plan not being part of the speech. 'The part about how to dispose of all the dog poop. Like he envisioned,' Our confidant confirmed. Biden had nervously contemplated it, but ultimately eliminated it at the last minute.
Friends say that Hunter has watched 'Cheech n' Chong' way to many times for his own good. "You won't actually get high from smoking dog poop. The world isn't ready for that," confirmed a high school buddy of Hunter. The real Chong also confirmed this theory, too.
"But you have to admire the boy's All-American, can-do attitude. You know, I think he has ambitions of becoming Ambassador to Jamaica," an anonymous White House staffer overheard Jill saying. "At least, he has a Jamaican flag tacked to his wall in the basement," His step mom had noticed.
So crank up those puppy mills, meth heads in strange states. Papa Joe got some bizness comin' your way. Just like he promised.