Irvine, CA - Taco Bell is always trying to gain global market share in the profitable 'crappy food' market, and they have seen steady profits with their bizarre international menu.
In Japan, you can get a Octopusadilla. In Italy, you'll find taco-calzones.
And, after having a massive hit (in North Korea) with its 'Foot-Jong' burritos, it was only a matter of time before the taco giant aimed its marketing cannon at the regional fans of Syria's best known dictator, Bashar al-Assad.
After an initial marketing study of the region, Taco Bell quickly realized that maybe Assad was onto something with the way he likes to cook his meats.
"This is the killing field," gloated Max Mehrder, the lead German scientist specializing in cooking 'Assad style' meats for Taco Bell. "Zee secret is to drop the barrel of chemicals from just the right height. Too high, and the animals may escape. Too low, and you are scraping meat off the side of a truck in Jordan. You get the idea?"
Taco Bell won't reveal exactly where they are 'cooking' their meats, but they assured PETA and other cow-huggers that it would be in a country that allowed for the inhumane killing of livestock in such a cruel fashion. "Yes, we pride ourselves in killing in a very regionally acceptable way," assured Butch Hacknstack, VP of International Killing.
But will people actually prefer the taste of nerve agents? We just weren't sure. The Foot-Jong success was based on starving people seeing a foot-long portion of food for the first time in their lives. That was a slam dunk. They would have eaten a deep-fried frisbee. But beef cooked with chemicals seemed like a tough sell, no?
"That's why we're makin' 'em cheap as all hell to start off with," assured Carl Mewman, V.P. of Marketing. We learned a lot from the Foot-Jong success. For one, we learned to work with the dictator. For instance, when the Dear Leader was about to fire off a Scud, or a Tomahawk Missile, just to piss people off in Japan or some shit, he would tell us exactly where to put the cows. You see what I'm getting at? Cost saving across the board. Like a two-for-one deal. He gets great target practice. We get the meat. Bingo! That's why the Foot-Jong was such a big hit. Not because the people knew they'd be killed if they didn't buy it. No, no. It was because of the price."
Mr. Mewman wouldn't divulge if Taco Bell had negotiated such a deal, to combine the killings with the Assad regime's regular barrel droppings. But if so, the saving could be huge for Taco Bell.
On that good news, Taco Bell's 4th-quarter profits look to be exploding, as the stock jumps another 12% in after-market trading.
Speculation of a "Russian Party Platter," complete with a Putin-inspired cola beverage, to serve to business competitors at lunch meetings, (as well as to other people that you would prefer not be alive anymore) are still unconfirmed. As are leaked reports of Donald Trump becoming Taco Bell's new CEO.