Pittsburg, PA - On Tuesday, Biden laid out an ambitious infrastructure plan to get every single American moving again. Those of us above ground—and basement dwellers, alike.
Digging deeper into the nearly 25 thousand page bill, he meant it, too! And although White House officials won't yet confirm the circling news, tweekers and dunkers are looking pretty rosy in this deal.
Not only does he want the hookers to be fucking again, and the Trump voters to be alligator wrestling again, and the preachers to be pedaling crazy stories again, but he also has his eye on resurrecting the good old American made meth situation, too. Which should benefit all 3 of those groups beautifully.
'Open your eyes folks! We are falling behind,' we overheard 'lobbyists' saying regarding the subject, outside the Trump International Hotel's rear entrance.
After being convinced to listen to Montana Senator, Steve 'Doobie' Danes, wax on about the subject last week in a speech on all kinds of weird shit, Biden decided to take last minute action to bring the pookie-mon back to the good ole USA.
Apparently, from deep sources within the outer circle, his son, Hunter, sat dad down and explained Doobie's message in simpler terms, while he dozed off in the oval orifice.
According to sources, Hunter made the whole 'bad rap' of American go-go juice seem pretty crystal clear before night, night time for papa president.
"I mean, who doesn't want to be floating in a crystal cocoon, while thinking you can outrun a train?" said one of Hunter's old buddies, named 'Skinner,' from a Delaware dive bar. "... uncle Joe knows what Hunter needs."
'It's like getting the shoulder rub of a lifetime...' is the way Hunter supposedly finally convinced dad before he slumbered off, hugging a gold-tasseled pillow, signing the papers to slip the measure into the $2 Zillion bill and then giving the official signing pen to Mitch McConnell, who was rubbing Uncle Joe's bare feet.
Not surprisingly, it was easy to find enough republicans to go along with a plan to crank up the crank machine, in basements across the fruitless plains.
And off we go....
So, come on America! Get with the program. American meth was the past...and it can be the future again, too!
Crank Back Better!
Please, If you're gonna pop cross-tops and watch reruns of COPS, for god's sake, make sure to ask if you are buying American.
—especially on chocolate bunny jesus weekend.