Toyota Using Ass-Kicking Taliban in New Ads

Funny story written by Paul Blake

Wednesday, 1 September 2021

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Almost all Afghans said they preferred a Toyota.

Tokyo, Japan - The Toyota Motor Corporation unleashed a new commercial today, marketed towards Authoritarian regimes and Dictators around the globe.

The commercial plays heavily on the recent success of the Taliban in Afghanistan. A victory that conquered its foes using exclussively Toyota products.

"We are very humbled and proud to see so many '84 Four Runners still doing so amazingly well!" expressed Himzo Yakuchi, Toyota's head of marketing to Dictators. "Imagine what the Taliban could accomplish if they had access to any of our vehicles made within the last 20 years!" he gleamed. "With Toyota TRD technology. Go Turd!"

Indeed, in the ads, using all real news footage, weapons of destruction could be seen bolted to every make of old Toyota one could imagine. "Look, a good old SR-5," beamed Yakuchi. "So proud," he said with a fist pump.

Yakuchi admitted that he had become addicted to watching the fighters using his company's products in such glorious fashion. "I watch so much, now I want to be in oppressive regime too!" said Yakuchi. He later retracted this comment, but still found himself enormously enamored by the Taliban's swift defeat of anything resembling an Afghan Army.

"They kicked major ass, in a Toyota!" the advertisement asserts at the end. "That tag line was my idea," said Yakuchi proudly.

"We will ride the Taliban's big successes in Afghanistan to be supreme ruler of old pick up trucks!" said Yakuchi, who was wise enough to know that when these regimes finally do get their hands on some real cash, they will come calling. "We are already getting calls from The Congo, The Philippines and The United States. All asking about our products for their guerrilla warfare needs. Very vey proud day for Japan. So very very proud."

Yakuchi then started bowing and crying so hard at his country's very proud successes that we had to leave him in his office for the next few hours. When we came back, he was still crying, and watching Taliban fighting videos on Youtube again. So we left him alone and headed for the airport. Sadly, in a Toyota sedan. I had been somewhat hoping for a ride in the back of a rusty old pick-up truck.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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