Augusta, GA - With a record setting number of players from south of the US border this year, TV announcers at TheMasters seem to be going out of their way to make sure that the more southerly hillbilly fans don't call Immigration's 'See Something, Say Something' hotline, on the players des español.
Our man on the scene, Chip Fairway, was standing near the 2nd green on Thursday morning, when Abraham Ancer, from Mexico, hit his second shot to just a few feet from the hole. Afterward, he noticed that the on course announcer near him made sure to say, 'Great shot from Abraham Ancer—who has duel citizenship from Mexico and the U.S.A.'
'OK?,' Chip thought to himself, "...no big deal,' but his ears became tuned to it for the rest of the day. On the 8th hole, the same announcer said about Carlos Ortiz, also from Mexico, after an amazing eagle from the bunker, 'Don't worry folks, he has his papers in order.'
'That's a little strange?' Chip thought.
Then on the 13th, Chip watched Joaquin Neimann, from Chilé, hole a double breaking, 45 foot putt and overheard on his simulcast earpiece, '...not to worry folks, we are almost certain Neimann is a DACA recipient.'
'Ok, what's going on here?' our brave man Fairway declared. He was sure he saw a bathroom for 'Colored People' over by the Butler Cabin—so what gives? Are we racist here, or not?
He went searching for answers. And believe it or not, a balding white guy with a floppy, saggy beer belly had them.
'Oh, the funny little sign over yonder by the Butler Cabin?' That's just a funny little joke between members,' explained Binkie Jackwagon, Augusta National's Assistant PR person in charge of Racial Gaffs and Giffs. 'We usually remember to take that down before the Master's? Opsie! Looks like someone's gettin' deported! Haha. Sorry, that's just another lil' ole Augusta member only joke—We don't actually hire illegals no more."
Mr. Jackwagon admitted that the tournament had been warned from Top Law Enforcement that they were tracking a lot of social media chatter about the number of 'non-American' participants at this year's tournament. "Yessir, Twitter users at the popular 'Birdies n' Nooses' fan page were lightin' up the FBI watch list like fried grits on a Chevy Impala in July," told Jackwagon. "So they gave us a holler."
"Also, we were feeling some heat from some 'hippie-dippy' liberal organizations from over in Atlanta, to make some sort of statement after the old Jim Crowe voting laws were signed into law last week. So this is what we agreed to do: Please don't call immigration on the fine contingent of Latin American players. We can assure you that we are almost certain that they are all allowed to be here in the United Staes. What else do I have to say?"
"And... by the way?" Jackwagon added, 'What negro person wouldn't want a bathroom all to themselves these days, with the Corona and stuff? Look around, there ain't too many of 'em here. I'd be happier than a monkey with a big bunch of bananas to find a nice clean empty bathroom!'
As Chipped walked away, Jackwagon called after him,"We did the Lee Elder thing for the Opening Ceremony! You gonna write about that, right Chip? Black Lives Matter!"
'The old bastard couldn't even swing a club....' we heard Jackwagon mumble under his breathe.